Constant anxiety over my cat going outdoors

S
Soprano Icon representing the flag French
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Hi everyone

For the past six years, I haven't really had a life. Ever since my cat Ponyo came into it. The thing is, she loves going out, she’s already gone missing twice, and she generally spends a lot of time roaming outdoors.

The problem is that I think I’m suffering from some kind of 'transference'. My mum passed away in 2025 and she absolutely loved cats. I didn’t. But now, I start panicking if she’s been out for more than four hours; I can’t sleep if she doesn’t come home at night, and I’ve even gone out searching for her in the dead of night. My life has become a living hell. I don’t dare go out with friends anymore; I’m constantly counting the hours and checking up on her. No one understands this anxiety. I’ve tried seeing a psychologist, but it didn’t help. Now I’m going to see a psychiatrist. It’s affecting my family, and my wife has warned me that I’m at risk of losing everything. It’s almost unbearable.

Thank you for any thoughts or advice you can offer.

Translated from French
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3 answers
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    • CATIUM
    Catium Icon representing the flag French
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    Hi there, I understand better now after your reply about the GPS. If having a tracker only increases your need to check up on him, then it might not be the right solution for you, even if it seems like a reassuring idea on paper. In that case, the answer might not be finding "the right tool" to monitor Ponyo, but rather gradually cutting back on the things the anxiety is forcing you to do: checking, searching, waiting, calculating, and imagining the worst. Maybe you could try a very simple rule, without being too hard on yourself: for example, not looking outside or going out to search until a pre-set time has passed. Then, increase that delay bit by bit. The idea isn't to stop caring, but to retrain your brain to realise that Ponyo’s absence isn't automatically an immediate danger. And honestly, given the impact this is having on your sleep, your social life, and your relationship, seeing a psychiatrist seems like a really good step to take. Not because you're "crazy", but because you're suffering a lot and you need some practical help to break this cycle. Hang in there. It’s clear how much Ponyo means to you, but you also deserve to find some peace of mind again.
    Translated from French
    C
    Chatzen Icon representing the flag French
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    Hi there,

    Your message is really powerful, and it's clear how much this situation is weighing on you every day. It's not “just” worry about a cat; it's an anxiety that has taken over, especially given what you've been through recently. The connection is completely understandable.

    There are two important things to distinguish between:

    👉 Your cat is living her life as a cat, with a natural need to explore
    👉 You are experiencing a surge of anxiety that is becoming overwhelming

    And right now, your own wellbeing clearly needs to be the priority.

    For your cat 🐱
    You won't be able to control everything, but you can reduce the uncertainty:

    • A GPS collar could really help give you some practical peace of mind

    • Slightly more regular times for her to go out might help settle your mind

    • More stimulation at home might limit her staying out for too long

    But the heart of the matter is the anxiety

    Checking constantly, counting the hours, not sleeping, avoiding going out… it shows that your internal alarm system is “stuck”.

    Even if the first therapist didn't help, it doesn't mean there isn't a solution. Certain approaches, like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), are very effective for this kind of pattern.

    One simple thing to try

    Set yourself a gentle but clear rule:
    👉 wait a certain amount of time before checking

    The anxiety will rise, which is normal. But if you don't act on it immediately, it will eventually subside on its own. It's like retraining your brain.

    You aren't “becoming impossible to live with”
    You are going through something that feels beyond your control… and you're already doing the right thing by talking about it.

    The real goal isn't to control your cat,
    it's to find some calm while she's out living her life.

    If you like, I can also suggest a few simple ideas to give her more stimulation at home — it can really help shorten her time away.

    Chatzen 🐾

    Translated from French
    ProvetoJuniorConseil
    Provetojuniorconseil Icon representing the flag French
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    Hi there, As a vet student, I can only offer some advice regarding your cat. If Ponyo really loves going outside, it would be a shame to stop her, so you could look into getting her a collar with a GPS tracker. This way, you’ll know exactly where she is and if she’s moving around, even when she’s taking a while to come home. You’ll need to make sure the collar is fitted properly and get her used to it indoors first so that she doesn't pull it off or lose it as soon as she goes out. As for the rest, I wish you a lot of strength. Best wishes, Quitterie.
    Translated from French

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