When dog training causes tension in the relationship

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Hello,

I'm coming to this forum to ask for advice. My wife and I adopted a Pyrenean Mountain Dog (a Patou) a year and a half ago.

He was 5 years old when we took him in. Beyond just wanting a dog, we wanted to give an animal a better life, especially since I live in a large farmhouse with plenty of land. After checking a few rescues, we settled on a dog whose former neighbours wanted to "get rid" of — this Pyrenean.

We took the time and used the right approach to teach him some basics (his previous owners hadn't trained him at all), but over time we realised we don't have the same vision for training.

My goal was quite modest: basic recall, no begging at the table, being house-trained, and not being aggressive with people he sees regularly besides my wife and me.

Today, this dog does his business whenever he feels like it in the house, without even asking to go out (even though he knows perfectly well how to ask when he wants to go outside, and he's outdoors most of the time anyway).

He barks aggressively at our neighbours as soon as he sees them. This is despite the fact that we get on very well with them, he's known them for over a year, and he often sees us chatting together.

He's also aggressive with my son when he visits. As soon as he hears my son walking in the house, he growls and barks, even in the middle of the night. I should mention he's seen my son countless times.

In fact, he's aggressive with everyone who approaches the house, except my wife, my in-laws, and me. Regardless of whether he knows them or not.

His recall is hit and miss; he doesn't run away anymore, but he only comes back if he feels like it. He has stopped begging at the table, though.

My problem is that I find my wife too soft on him. If I'm posting today, it's for opinions; I realise I might be in the wrong myself.

When he has an accident in the house, she doesn't tell him off, nothing.

She's constantly "at his beck and call". Our dog can ask to go in and out, then back in and back out again less than 2 minutes apart, and she'll do it. Eventually, he asks for no reason, and after several trips back and forth, he pees in the house...

Regarding the aggression, it's always up to me to find solutions and act as the mediator with the people he snaps at. She just says, "Oh, he'll get used to it, he's not nasty," and that's it. When I see that my neighbour can't even prune her own hedge in peace because our dog is barking at her like a lunatic and pulling like crazy on his lead, it really pisses me off, to be honest. I understand her; she doesn't know "he's not nasty"... so it's up to me to deal with the dog and calm the neighbour down. Within the hour, my wife will have let the dog out of his run to tether him in front of the house again... and here we go again!

When she strokes him, she often gets down on the floor to be at his level. Then he climbs on top of her; she tells him to get down (he weighs 40kg, about 6 stone), but he doesn't listen. She's the one who has to physically move him.

She often prepares his food bowl by putting it on the table and using the same kitchen utensils we use for ourselves. Hygiene-wise, I find it disgusting, but beyond that, I feel like my concerns come second to the dog.

Because he keeps peeing everywhere, I don't want him sleeping in the house anymore. I should point out that his run is 600m² and he has a 100m² walnut barn for shelter, plus a 50m² awning. Also, he's a dog that has always lived outdoors before. My wife always has an excuse to let him in anyway — tonight it's the rain...

So, I feel like I'm putting up with a dog that does whatever it wants and that I'm taking a backseat in my wife's eyes. I'm aware the dog isn't responsible for his actions and that without clear boundaries, he'll never know how to behave.

I'm also aware that Pyreneans aren't the easiest to train.

I should mention that he spends most of his time with me. I'm always in the garden with him, he does most of his walks with me, and I insisted on putting him on a BARF diet quite early on.

I'm mentioning all this to show that I'm not complaining about a problem without being involved in his training.

When he's alone with me, everything is fine, but as soon as my wife gets home from work, that's it... Our dog does whatever he wants, and my wife couldn't care less about my opinion. And when I insist, she starts sulking.

That was long, sorry for the wall of text.

If the post seems a bit one-sided, I'm aware of it and I'm open to hearing about my own faults (the goal is for things to improve with the dog, not just to get validation).

I'm out of solutions; my wife doesn't want us to see a trainer, she doesn't trust them and prefers to wing it...

Thanks for your replies.

Translated from French
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6 answers
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    • Docline
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    It’s not a "trainer" you need to see (there are far too many who are incompetent) but a **dog behaviourist**, who must come to your **home**, to observe you and your wife and point out where your approach is going wrong. Clearly, your wife doesn’t realise that the situation is potentially very, very high-risk. So, we’re past worrying about whether she’s going to be in a huff or not: this is a matter of SAFETY and responsibility. (I hope you have good insurance, but that doesn’t absolve you of your moral responsibility towards people visiting your home.) (I’m interested to see your answers to @Kikaah’s excellent questions.)
    Translated from French
    Kikaah
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    Just a few questions: how often do you take him out for a walk? For how long and in what kind of surroundings? What activities (even the smallest ones) do you do together? What does he do when he’s out in the garden? If he prefers to keep watch, that is part of his job as a Pyrenean Mountain Dog, so it’s quite logical really. Personally, I wouldn’t worry too much about that, but it’s definitely not ideal that he can get as far as the neighbours' garden—it’s not fair on them and it’s dangerous. Perhaps you could move his tether so he can't reach that far.
    Translated from French
    C
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    Hi @Provetjuniorconseil, @Kikaah and @Picco85. Thank you for your replies and for taking an interest in my post. My wife and I have read through your messages, and the main takeaway is that we need to see a behaviourist. My wife has agreed to this, and we’ll be making an appointment soon. That, along with a check-up at the vet to rule out any medical causes. This way, we can start from a solid foundation. Kikaah, you’re right about having dedicated bowls and the fact that it shouldn't be my problem if she’s happy for him to hump her when she strokes him. On reflection, it only bothered me because it felt like a lack of respect from the dog, but perhaps that’s just my interpretation and nothing more. As for him messing in the house, it happens just as much during the day as it does at night. The thing I understand the least is when he spends all day outside but then has a wee in the house two minutes after coming back in... When he gets aggressive, it’s usually when he’s tied up at the front of the house. My wife has put him on a 10-metre long line so he’s comfortable, but he can easily reach the neighbours' hedge on the street side and even get onto their property. The disagreement we have is that I don’t think a dog, even on a lead, should be allowed to go as far as the neighbours' (and onto the public pavement) to bother them. His run is much larger (600 square metres, remember) than the area the long line allows him to move in. But he prefers to stay at the front of the house waiting for passers-by (and our neighbours) to growl at them, rather than enjoying the garden. Given that he isn’t any more alone in the garden than when he’s tied up at the front, it isn’t a question of companionship. My wife gives in and leaves him at the front because "otherwise he’s unhappy". I put him in his run, but then she goes and gets him to put him back out front. There we go! As for a cat flap, I can’t do that; the insurance company won't allow that kind of opening in the door.
    Translated from French
    ProvetoJuniorConseil
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    Hello, I can completely understand your concern, especially regarding his reactions towards your son and your neighbours. In a situation like this, I think it’s important not to focus on which of you is "right", but rather to establish consistent rules and, above all, ensure everyone’s safety. Aggressive behaviour and repeated accidents in the house should be taken seriously and shouldn’t just be put down to "personality". A visit to the vet should be your first step to rule out any underlying medical causes; then, a qualified behaviourist can help you understand the triggers and put a tailored plan in place. In the meantime, avoid situations where he might come face-to-face with the neighbours or your son, and don’t allow any unsupervised contact with people he might threaten. Your dog might not be "nasty", but a dog that growls, barks and lunges to get at someone must be considered a potential risk. All the best, and please don’t hesitate to ask for help: this isn’t a failure in his training—quite the opposite. Best regards, Victoire
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    Kikaah
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    You really need to find a middle ground on some things and sit down to talk about the issues that matter most to you.

    Regarding his food prep, for example, why not buy your wife some specific utensils just for the dog? You could keep them in a dedicated storage box or a utensil holder with a lovely label with the dog's name on it. Something nice and personalised always goes down well 😉

    If she wants to give the dog a fuss and ends up getting knocked around, that’s her problem, not yours. You just need to let it go where that's concerned.

    Why not install a dog flap so he can come and go as he pleases? Obviously, one big enough for him will take up a lot of space, but it could be a good idea so he can nip in and out without constantly asking. Also, it’s worth figuring out why he wants to go in and out. Is he expecting something? A walk? If he ends up having an accident indoors, maybe he was trying to tell you something... like he was bursting to go? In any case, if your wife is happy to keep playing doorman, that’s not your problem; you’re the one who needs to let it go.

    Speaking of toilet training, if he’s prone to accidents, especially at night, you need to find the cause. There’s no point scolding him in those situations (and a dog flap might help here). Could he be stressed?

    In the meantime, if your wife wants him to sleep in the house, it should be her responsibility to take him out for a walk as late as possible at night and as early as possible in the morning—and, of course, to do the cleaning up.

    As for the aggression, that’s a bit more sensitive. I'll offer my opinion and some advice, but I’m not a professional. I think you might need to get in touch with people who really know this breed. After all, it’s normal for a Pyrenean Mountain Dog to be wary of strangers, even if he’s seen them before, because they aren't part of his "inner circle".

    You need to find the right balance between letting him do his job and stepping in at the right moment. On this point, your wife is wrong—a dog won’t just "get used to it" on his own. He has no reason to stop doing what he sees as his job.

    I’m not sure I quite understood how you’re handling it when he’s aggressive towards the neighbour—do you put him in his outdoor run, and then your wife lets him out and tethers him?

    I’m inclined to say that no one has the perfect solution yet... locking him away won’t solve it, and neither will tethering him outside. It requires proper work so the dog can do his job without losing his temper. A Pyrenean should be a deterrent, not aggressive, and above all, he needs you to be there. I really think a proper dog trainer who knows the breed well could give you the best advice (using positive methods, without lead-jerking, shock collars, or any other coercive tools).

    I understand your wife might not be keen on the idea of calling in a stranger to train your dog. There are plenty of trainers out there, and it’s hard to know which one will suit you without causing more problems than they solve. You can take your time looking into it and doing some research online without committing to anything.

    Maybe try some Facebook groups or forums specifically for this breed.

    Translated from French
    P
    Picco85 Icon representing the flag French
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    Hello

    This is a bit sad and a long one. 😇

    Whether there are children involved or not, two adults should be able to understand that a dog only obeys its owner. Otherwise, it will just do as it pleases. Especially if it’s a 5-year-old dog that has already seen a bit of life… there are multiple risks involved ❌

    Personally, this kind of adoption would be impossible for me. I have a lifestyle that requires me to have full control over training and, therefore, behaviour. So, for me, it has to be a puppy that I can train myself from scratch.

    In your case, the dog is already there, so you have to make the best of it. Picking up a dog like you’re buying a lamp, then getting rid of it when it no longer suits you… unfortunately, it doesn’t work like that with an animal.

    Here is some (factual) advice:

    • To get some perspective: hiring a dog trainer or behaviourist is an essential step (to try and regain control, because as humans, we don’t speak “dog”). (The specialist will observe the animal in its home environment to give the best advice). Here on the forum, we can’t see either. If necessary, book an initial assessment. I’ve done it twice myself. It lasts about 2 hours and you go over everything. Outside of the big cities, I’d expect it to cost around £45 to £60.

    • Get a full blood test done at the vet to make sure there are no underlying health issues affecting its temperament. For me, it’s a good way to know what kind of baseline you’re working with.

    • Decide once and for all who the primary owner is and make sure the details are correctly registered on the microchip database. This administrative step can help set things in stone and provide some much-needed structure.

    • I also recommend keeping a notebook to log the dog’s daily routine (meals, walks, incidents, etc.). I find it’s a goldmine of information because it helps you understand why certain problems occur. Usually, an issue is the result of something that happened earlier in the day. I did this with my two King Charles Spaniels. It taught me a huge amount about what was working and what wasn't. Even if you only do it for a month, it will be a big help and will provide useful info for the behaviourist.

    • Establish rules with the animal one by one. Only move on to the next rule once the previous one is mastered. For example: I make my dog sit whenever I have something to say. I’m not the lenient type when it comes to training. It shows me every day how pleasant and safe it is to have a well-trained dog.

    • Giving the dog the run of the whole house: a no-go for me when training. To train a dog, it’s better to limit its immediate environment (specific areas for sleeping and eating).

    • And finally, do some fresh research on the breed. Not all dogs are trained the same way. The methods differ massively depending on the breed and temperament.

    I’ll stop there. Do these suggestions seem clear for now, and more importantly, what kind of action plan can you see yourself testing out?

    What you’re going through is a crisis, and you need to look for a way out of it.

    Good luck and stay patient.

    Translated from French

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