Post-adoption regrets

Misty57

13/12/2021, 14:08

Report

Hi, I just need to get things off my chest regarding the situation I’m in after adopting our second dog through an overseas rescue charity.

When I met my boyfriend, I already had a poodle and a ferret, and everything was going great.

Once we moved into a much larger flat together, I adopted a second little ferret and we also took in a cat. For me, that was the limit; it's already a lot of work and everything was perfectly in balance.

But my boyfriend really kept on at me to get a dog of his own because he missed the one he had with his ex and didn't feel like he was truly my dog's owner.

After he'd been badgering me for months, I finally gave in on the condition that he'd be the one taking care of it. We eventually found a little Pinscher through an overseas rescue.

Problem number one: I ended up doing all the paperwork myself, so the dog is in my name and my boyfriend hasn't lifted a finger to change the ownership details. The dog had been abandoned three times in one year... He’s been with us for a year now. Right from the start, he was incredibly clingy with me and completely ignored my boyfriend at first. He suffers from severe separation anxiety and howls whenever I leave the house or even just change rooms – I’m having issues with a neighbour because of it. We’ve never managed to house-train him; he pees everywhere, even right after coming back from a walk.

He also barks at people coming to the house and sometimes even at people in the street. Since my boyfriend isn't lifting a finger (his excuse is that apparently, this wasn't the dog he would have wanted), I've seen two dog behaviourists and a vet who prescribed some calming meds, but the improvements have been very minor. My boyfriend and I are constantly clashing over the dog because even when I try to follow the behaviourists' advice, he does the exact opposite. Everything to do with the dog comes out of my pocket (most recently, I bought a pet gate to limit his space when we're out to stop him peeing everywhere).

I feel like I don't have as much time for my other pets anymore, and it makes me feel so guilty. I feel incredibly sorry for this dog, but he’s such a huge mental load for me that I often end up in tears. I regret giving in because, in the end, my partner claims to be too tired from work (even though I work too) and spends more time in front of the TV or gaming than taking on his responsibilities. Ironically, I’ve even thought about rehoming him, but my partner flat-out refuses.

Sorry for this long wall of text, but I just needed to talk about it. I have grown attached to this dog despite everything, and I’m a very sensitive person who loves animals, but mentally I’m reaching my breaking point.

Translated from French

The forum content is sometimes translated from another language, and posts may concern countries with different animal laws. Do your research before making any decisions.

Since the forum is translated by AI, the translations may contain errors.

7 answers

Sort by:

Provetojuniorconseil Icon representing the flag French

Expert verified

14/12/2021, 10:19

Report

Hi there, Getting a dog really does take a lot of thought to make sure their needs match your lifestyle—something your partner doesn't seem to have quite realised... However, the dog is with you now, and the various issues you're facing can all be sorted with some hard work. His separation anxiety requires a serious commitment to see real progress. How long is he left alone each day? Being out for a full day is a long time, and many dogs just can't cope with that. First, make sure he’s getting enough exercise and stimulation: is he getting enough walks every day? Does he have things to chew on, things to lick (which helps soothe and calm dogs), and some mental stimulation (interactive games, snuffle mats, etc.)? All these activities are vital for a settled dog. You also need to understand that being home alone is something that has to be taught gradually, and the time it takes varies from dog to dog. This starts while you're actually home: he needs to learn to settle and occupy himself even when you're there but not paying him attention. To help with this, set up some little activities: put his bowl in a room where you aren't, use a snuffle mat, scent games, and have several comfy beds in different rooms for him to choose from, with toys scattered about. This way, when you're ignoring him or in another room, he'll learn to keep himself busy without constantly pestering you. Once these exercises are in place and your dog is more comfortable being independent, you can work on your departures. Start by desensitising him to your "leaving cues": putting on your shoes, picking up your keys, grabbing your bag... do these things throughout the day without actually leaving, so your dog stops seeing them as a signal of something scary. Keep doing this until you notice he no longer shows any signs of stress. Finally, you can start practising actually leaving, progressing based on his stress levels. For the first time, only leave for half a second, then 30 seconds... and only increase the time once he's completely relaxed. He’ll gradually learn that being alone isn't scary, and more importantly, he’ll know how to occupy himself thanks to the independence training you did beforehand. Remember to give him something to do while you're gone (a Kong, a snuffle mat, something to chew on...). This obviously requires a lot of time and for someone to be home quite often. As for house-training, take him out as often as possible and give him loads of praise and some high-value treats when he goes outside. If he has an accident in the flat, just ignore it and clean it up when he's out of the room. I hope this helps, Mathilde

Translated from French

Comment

Misty57

14/12/2021, 07:39

Report

Your boyfriend doesn't want to step up but refuses to rehome him. Personally, I’d force him to take some responsibility. Keep looking after him, but if the neighbour comes round to complain, introduce her to your boyfriend so she can tell him to his face. Stop cleaning up the mess, and ask him to pay you back for any costs you've covered. I don't know if it's the best idea ever, but it might be worth a go! ^^ Yes, you're absolutely right. I just need to be more assertive without neglecting this poor little guy – it’s not his fault, after all.

Translated from French

Comment

Misty57

14/12/2021, 07:37

Report

How do the Poodle and the Pinscher get on? How old are they both?

My Poodle is 3 and my Pinscher is 2. They get on brilliantly... as do all our pets, actually.

Translated from French

Comment

Flip-cockwood Icon representing the flag French

13/12/2021, 20:11

Report

Evening,

Ultimately, your story is more about your relationship than the dog. I suppose it’s down to you to decide what you’re prepared to put up with in your relationship.

But you know, if you’re both pulling in opposite directions, you’re never going to get anywhere...

In any case, I think it’ll be difficult to change the dog’s behaviour without the whole household being on board. And that includes your partner...

Wishing you the best of luck with it all.

Translated from French

Comment

Docline

13/12/2021, 20:01

Report

How are the Poodle and the Pinscher getting on?

How old are they both?

Translated from French

Comment

Kikaah

13/12/2021, 15:31

Report

Your boyfriend won't pull his weight but refuses to rehome him. Personally, I’d make him step up and take responsibility. Keep looking after the pet for now, but if the neighbour comes round to complain, point her towards your boyfriend so she can tell him to his face. Stop cleaning up the mess, and make sure he pays you back for any costs you’ve covered. I’m not sure if it’s the best idea ever, but it’s worth a go! ^^

Translated from French

Comment

Boxy

13/12/2021, 15:09

Report

Hi there

It’s so sad for this dog, having been moved around from family to family; it really isn't easy for him. He doesn't have any stability and hasn't settled, which is probably why he barks at the slightest bit of stress and is having accidents in the house. He’s clearly bonded with you, so it’s worth thinking about whether you want to and can keep him and help him reach a place where he's truly happy. It's a difficult one to give advice on.

Reading your post, your partner doesn’t seem very responsible when it comes to the dog or your feelings. He let you handle the whole adoption process on your own, and now he’s saying it’s not the dog he wanted, but he won't take responsibility for finding him a new family either...

I don't want to judge, so I'll just share my own experience:

My ex-partner was dead set on getting a medium-sized powerful breed despite my back problems. After two years, I gave in... The result? After three or four months, at the first sign of trouble, he just checked out! Playing with her was fine, taking her out was fine, but training her? Oh no, he told me it wasn't really his thing. At our classes (once a month), he’d only half-listen... then he'd do the exact opposite once we were home. It sounds a lot like your partner, doing the opposite "on purpose" – in my opinion, anyway. Maybe some people, when they really don't want to do something, just do the opposite on purpose so they'll be left in peace.

Anyway, as I said, he’s my ex! But the dog is still in my life, I adore her, and yes, I still have my scoliosis issues, but I look after her as best I can and I think she’s happy.

My current partner has completely taken her under his wing. They’ve obviously built their relationship at their own pace, and she doesn’t behave the same way with him as she does with me, but she’s no less his dog.

Personally, I think that in a home, the dogs belong to everyone in the family. Everyone has their own bond, but it’s not really about each person having "their own" pet... well, that’s just my view.

I'm sorry, your story just brought back a few things... Every case is different, and I hope you find a solution for both the dog's happiness and your own.

If you do need to find him a new home, contact some rescue charities. You shouldn't have to take on too much or get so stressed that you risk hitting breaking point. We all have our limits.

Keep your chin up

Translated from French

Comment

7 comments out of 7

Do you have a question? An experience to share? Create a post on our forum!

These topics could be of interest to you!

Find out more