Living together: partner and dog

C
Covachette Icon representing the flag French
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Hi everyone,

I’m at my wits' end and don't know who to turn to. There’s a persistent problem between my partner and our dog, and I just can't seem to find a solution.

We adopted our Border Collie cross a year ago. Everything was fine at the start. Then winter came and he started dodging the dog walks—he’s never been a fan of going out in the cold, which I get.

But spring is here now and there’s still no improvement; if anything, it’s getting worse. I’ll get home at 9 pm and the dog hasn’t been fed or even taken out for a walk.

Our dog has decided to make him pay for his lack of effort by growling whenever he walks by, ignoring him during training sessions, nipping, or even worse, biting him.

I mentioned this to our dog behaviourist, who had seen us in class the day before. She confirmed that as long as my partner doesn’t put the work in, the situation will never improve. She also stressed that our dog is perfectly sound and well-balanced, both with people and other dogs.

Last night, it kicked off again: the dog growled, my partner started shouting, the dog bit him, and it ended with my partner being violent towards him.

I tried to talk to him again, asking him to take some responsibility for his own behaviour, but he refuses. According to him, he’s done nothing wrong and the dog is the one who isn’t "right in the head".

I don't know what to do to resolve things anymore. Is splitting up the only way out?

Translated from French
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13 answers
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    • Flip-Cockwood
    Flip-cockwood Icon representing the flag French
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    Hi Covachette,

    If you keep doing the same things, you’re going to get the same results.

    If your partner isn't willing to get involved, it’s going to be a struggle. Dogs are incredibly sensitive to energy, so if your partner is giving off a negative vibe, the dog is never going to feel relaxed. The only way to change that is for the dog to start associating your partner with positive things. Without a change on his part, the situation will stay exactly as it is... Plus, if your dog isn’t getting enough exercise, the frustration and lack of activity can make this kind of behaviour worse—it’s a bit of a vicious circle...

    You clearly have very different ideas about dog training, as physical and even mental stimulation are a dog's most basic needs. Whether your dog eats at 7pm or 9pm doesn't really matter. That said, things won't necessarily change just because he starts taking him out... He needs to have play sessions to build a bond and a relationship of trust; the whole approach needs a rethink. The longer this goes on, the more "baggage" is created, and it’ll become harder and harder to fix the relationship between the two of them.

    This is a tough subject because it involves your relationship, so giving advice is tricky. But if you were to leave him, would you need to hire a dog walker or a pet sitter given your work hours? Is it possible to get someone else in to handle the bits he sees as a chore, and instead ask him to just play with the dog at home? The dog might never see him as his "person," but at least the interactions would be more constructive.

    At the end of the day, having a dog is a bit like having a child—you both need to be pulling in the same direction. I get the impression he doesn't really want this dog and doesn't particularly like him. I think getting him to be honest about that will help you make the best decision for all of you...

    All the best,

    Translated from French
    C
    Covachette Icon representing the flag French
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    If it comes down to choosing between them, I’d leave my partner, no doubt about it. We both went to see the dog behaviourist during an agility session; I stayed on the sidelines and let him lead the training. The dog couldn't have cared less. Our behaviourist told him he needs to get more involved, but it’s made no difference. We even showed him that when it’s either the behaviourist or me, she gets really motivated and stays focused on the course. But it hasn’t changed a thing.
    Translated from French
    Kikaah
    Kikaah Icon representing the flag French
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    Splitting up with the dog or the partner? (I’m voting for the second option! ^^) Has he seen a behaviourist? Maybe someone from outside the home, especially a professional, would make him rethink things. My boyfriend is exactly the same; if I’m the one saying ‘you’ve got to do it this way or that way with the dog’, he won’t listen, but a professional (even if they’re saying the same thing as me) will carry more weight.
    Translated from French

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