Living together: partner and dog

Split up with your partner, not your dog – the poor thing hasn't done anything wrong. A man can reflect on his behaviour and change, but an animal can't. If he's refusing to make an effort and is hitting your dog as well... ...to me, that just proves he doesn't respect you either.

Yes, I agree with what @Alfredw is saying; but who’s going to end up suffering? The dog or the husband? Try to find out what might have caused this loss of interest; hang in there.

Hi, have you tried actually talking to your partner? I think this sounds more like a relationship issue than a dog issue. Telling you to get rid of him is a bit of a knee-jerk reaction, really. Try having a proper chat with him instead—without getting worked up, just staying calm and thinking through your points beforehand. Everyone will be better off for it.

If your partner is neglecting the dog (never taking it for walks, never feeding it...), your Border won't be able to see him as a figure of authority or someone to bond with. If on top of that he’s being violent, the dog is naturally going to react with aggression—"fear leads to anger, anger leads to violence, and violence leads to hate". Did he even want the dog in the first place? If you have to choose between the two, keep your dog. In this kind of situation, the best thing to do is walk away... can you imagine if he behaved like that with a baby?

I also felt uneasy about the ‘dog biting and the partner being violent’ part, Mel. If your partner is violent towards the dog, it’s no wonder the dog is biting! I’m exactly of your opinion, Mel. When you aren't there... what on earth is he doing to the dog? I wouldn’t stand for anyone being violent towards one of my dogs. Besides, I couldn’t imagine being with someone capable of animal abuse if I wanted to have children one day, nor would I necessarily feel safe myself (depending on how it’s done...). I’d get my dog out of there sharpish. Before he starts developing aggressive behaviour towards men. At the moment, you say he’s lovely with you, when you're out and about, etc... But once he’s had as much as he can take, if your partner keeps hurting him and he’s living in that tense atmosphere for most of the day... he’s going to end up being a very troubled dog, and quite rightly so.

The main thing I’ve taken from your first post is that your partner was violent towards the dog, right in front of you! Based on your description, anyway. So, what is he like with the dog when you’re not there?? If the dog has got to the point of growling and even biting him, it isn’t just because your partner ignores him and doesn’t feed him. Indifference breeds indifference, doesn't it? Violence breeds violence. For me, the advice is simple: get rid of your partner and live a peaceful life with your dog. You’ll find someone else who will love both you and your dog. Mind you, I might not be the best person to give advice, being a confirmed singleton! 😅 But for me, it’s crystal clear: anyone who thinks they can be violent towards my dog is out the door immediately! Whether it’s friends, family, or even a partner, it’s a deal-breaker for me. But everyone draws the line in their own place.

I also wonder if your partner actually wanted a dog in the first place. If he didn't want one and it was your decision originally, well, he’s basically checked out (not sure if that’s a real word lol). But then he shouldn't be surprised that his bond with the dog is falling apart, and more importantly, your own relationship as a couple is going to suffer too. Especially with a Border Collie – they’re such sensitive dogs. He clearly doesn't feel loved by your partner at all, and if it's getting to the point where your partner is lashing out or being aggressive, I don't see any good coming of it. To be honest, I’m not sure what advice I can give in this situation, because you can try your best to get your partner to step up or react, but if he doesn't want to make an effort himself, nothing is going to change.

Hello, Yesterday’s bite says a lot about the tension between your dog and your partner. Usually, when a dog bites, you should arrange a follow-up with your vet for a behavioural assessment. If your partner has gone off your dog, you really need to get to the bottom of why that's changed and sort out the root of the problem. Whatever the reason, your partner shouldn't be "mean" to him. Their only interactions shouldn't be just telling him off. At the very least, your partner needs to learn to ignore the dog, even if it’s not always easy, because your dog will just get frustrated and, as you can see, the problem is gradually getting worse. It would be a shame if the little guy ended up being put down one day because things went too far due to this atmosphere. The best thing to do right now would be to hire a pet sitter; this would keep your dog occupied and tire him out both mentally and physically. He’ll get some proper interaction during the day. Try to have him spend time with men who will play with him, so he doesn't start associating men with negative things (like being punished). You should also look into getting him some enrichment toys, like snuffle mats or treat-dispensing balls. These will keep your dog busy for a while so he stops "pestering" your partner for attention, which should help ease the tension. As for his food portions, there are automatic dry food dispensers if this is becoming a real concern. These devices can get quite pricey (around £85). However, if you do hire a pet sitter, ask them to put some kibble in a snuffle mat or a slow-feeder bowl before they leave. That’ll keep your dog occupied for a bit longer. Good luck, Best regards, Solène

Oh dear, that’s such a tricky situation and it’s really hard to know what advice to give. If I’ve understood correctly, you got the dog as a couple and at the start, your partner was happy to pitch in. Gradually, it’s turned into a situation where he isn’t lifting a finger and is neglecting the dog (and let's be clear, if you aren’t feeding them or taking them out for walks, that is neglect). Did your partner ever actually want a dog, or did he just go along with it to please you? That would explain why he’s stopped helping—he probably thinks of him as "your" dog and that it’s solely your responsibility to manage everything. Regarding your dog growling and even nipping him—you don't have to look far for the reason. Your partner is no longer a figure of authority to the dog. Plus, your dog can definitely sense your mood towards your partner; when you get home from work and see the dog hasn’t been fed or walked, I bet you aren't exactly thrilled 😉. I know I wouldn't be, and I'd certainly make my feelings known. So, as mentioned above, it’s becoming a vicious cycle—growling, the dog getting shouted at, nips or bites, and then physical aggression towards the dog. The danger is that one day the dog might lash out with a proper bite without warning, and on top of that, he might start associating all men with that kind of behaviour. Ultimately, only you can decide on the best solution for you and your dog.