I feel like my puppy doesn't love me

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Hello everyone,

I’ve got a Bernese Mountain Dog who’s just over 3 months old. I’ve read loads of books and prepared myself for his arrival by watching tonnes of positive reinforcement videos on YouTube, and we’ve even signed up for group training classes. I feel like I’m doing everything as well as I can: I don’t pet him if he’s not in the mood, I reward good behaviour, we go for walks in the woods, I make sure he meets other friendly dogs, I look after his health, and we do short training sessions without overdoing it (6 lots of 3 minutes a day). I give him a few toys but I don’t leave them out all the time, I leave him alone for a couple of hours a day, and so on. Despite all this, I really feel like he’s lost interest in me lately. He gets all excited when he sees other people, but with me, I’m just the one who provides his food. He’s only happy when I’ve been away for a couple of hours and I come home, but that wears off quickly. Mind you, he’s very obedient. But he just seems so much happier with everyone else and it’s breaking my heart. Can anyone help? Thanks in advance for any advice. He’s my first dog and I’m feeling a bit lost.

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18 answers
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    • L
    Lorna Icon representing the flag French
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    That’s a great little story! :-) It just goes to show how much we’re always influenced by what we’re used to; you really have to start with a clean slate sometimes. New dog, new adventure.
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    Piotr06 Icon representing the flag French
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    As FLip-cockwood says, you’ll find that while many behaviours are common to most dogs, every dog has its own unique quirks that you have to learn to decipher. I personally find that part of it fascinating. I once had a dog who would start spinning around like a top whenever he wanted to go outside to do his business. Later on, a vet gave me a little Yorkie who had been severely mistreated by his previous owners; he’d spent eight months living under a kitchen table without ever going out, even to go to the toilet. Once he’d settled in and started sleeping in his bed, we kept a close eye on him to start house-training him. One day, I saw him starting to spin around in his basket. I picked him up and rushed him outside so he could relieve himself. Once we were out on the patio, he just looked at me, gave two barks looking absolutely fuming, went straight back to his bed and started spinning again. Once he’d got his blanket bunched up into a proper ball, his lordship settled down and rested his head on the little pillow he’d made for himself... There are certain signs or habits that you won’t understand immediately, but you’ll pick them up over time by watching how your pet reacts. I’ve lived with dogs for nearly 60 years now, and I’m still learning something new every day. What’s more, I believe Bernese Mountain Dogs have a reputation for being incredibly devoted to their owners, so there’s no reason yours should be any different... 😁
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    You’re absolutely right @flip-cockwood. I’m still very much a novice when it comes to dog body language ;)

    That’s why this kind of forum is so brilliant, because I get to meet owners who have far more experience than me. Thanks.

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    Flip-Cockwood
    Flip-cockwood Icon representing the flag French
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    I’ve just put on some relaxing puppy music for him and he’s sleeping at my feet.

    That is a real sign of a strong bond! A dog won’t come close, let alone fall asleep right against you, if they don’t feel a connection. You have to see love from a dog’s perspective, not a human one ;)

    Your relationship is still building, and by the time he’s an adult, you’ll have learnt to understand all those looks, cues, and affectionate behaviours :)

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    E
    Evecassatie Icon representing the flag French
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    Thanks @Piotr06 :) I hope so. He’s super independent and I agree with you, it’s a good thing.

    I just wish I felt like he loved me for something other than just the food.

    My dog trainer and all the books I’ve read suggest using food to reward positive behaviour.

    But if I haven’t got any food on me, I feel like he couldn’t care less about me. 😂 Sometimes he even looks a bit sad, even though I’ve never told him off and have always been gentle with him.

    But it’s probably me that needs to do the work and change my expectations of what it’s like to have a dog. ;)

    I just thought they’d adore you as long as you looked after them. 😂 I definitely need to rethink things and manage my expectations.

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    Piotr06 Icon representing the flag French
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    My little girl is two and a half months old and behaves exactly the same way. It’s completely normal; at that age, they’re just busy discovering everything and everyone. We’re currently working on lead training, but as soon as we pass someone, she’s off – she just has to go and get some fusses... In the end, I’ve realised it’s actually a good thing, contrary to what I used to think. I once had a dog with severe hyper-attachment, and believe me, it was a nightmare. You literally can’t do anything without the dog being glued to your side. I tried everything but never managed to break the habit. Your dog is just very sociable, which is brilliant, both for them and for you. Even if it doesn’t feel like it yet, that bond between you has already started to grow.
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    Thanks both for your replies! They're really reassuring :) He listens to me, obeys, has a good recall, and doesn't dive headfirst into his food bowl. It's a great first step towards a happy relationship. Mind you, I know nothing is ever set in stone. We'll see how it goes when he hits his teenage phase! 😂 When we go for walks in the woods, he sticks by me. I'm just waiting to see if that’ll still be the case when we bump into other dogs! 😂 But I’m doing group training classes (amongst other things), so I’m hoping that’ll help us build a really close bond. Right now, I’ve put on some relaxing puppy music and he’s fast asleep at my feet. I’m also really pleased because he’s made a mate in the neighbourhood—a White Swiss Shepherd. It’s brilliant for his socialisation. Thanks again for such kind replies. Have a lovely day!
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    Bangdji Icon representing the flag French
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    You’re more than welcome for the reply 🙂

    You’re not in such a bad spot; when my girl was a tiny pup (she’s a pack dog), she’d literally bolt back home if I took her to the field next door without her two mates just to get back to the pack 😅

    She used to refuse to play with me, preferring to play with her pals 😅 and there were no cuddles or any signs of affection at all.

    Now, we spend whole days out hiking alone together and she absolutely loves it. She loves being with me.

    Sometimes I go to my neighbour's to watch a film, and I thought I was doing her a favour by leaving her at home with her doggy friends—far from it! She turned into a right little terror, and I couldn't understand why! Until I realised 😅 even if it’s just to spend the evening lazing around on a pathetic little cushion that isn't even hers, she just wants to be with me.

    If she meets another dog now, at her age (2 years old), she waits for my "nod" before she says hello...

    If a dog acts in a way she doesn't understand, same thing—she looks at me and waits for my take on it.

    I never taught her any of that 😅 anyway, they're just little things (and there are plenty more), and I still have moments of doubt, but I really think she’s properly bonded to me now.

    As for the "idealised" relationship, I've always had dogs. But before this one, I had a Border Collie cross. She was always under my feet, gazing at me, she absolutely lived for me.

    So, even though I’d gone for a different breed and knew what you know—that every dog is different—it was still a bit of a shock 😅

    But as time goes by... I feel more and more like I've got a hunting version of a Border Collie 😅

    So just wait and see! And like Mel said, don't overthink it and just grow with your dog without questioning everything. Share plenty of good times, get to know him, and I think one day, when you really know his quirks, you'll be surprised by what they show about how he feels for you...

    Best of luck, and here's to many wonderful adventures with your pup. It's only the beginning; you have so much to discover, to explore, and to share together...

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    Anonymous user Icon representing the flag French
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    Hello! That’s so sweet. I sometimes feel the same with my girl when she gives everyone else a massive welcome and completely ignores me – I must admit I get a bit jealous at times! But he knows you’re always going to be there, so he pays more attention to visitors who are just passing through. He’s quite young and has only recently left his mum. They say it takes three months for a dog to feel completely at home and comfortable with you, so don’t worry too much. You’ll find that as time goes by, he’ll start showing you how much you mean to him. It’s not necessarily a bad thing; at least he isn’t showing signs of over-attachment. I know that even if my dog makes a bigger fuss of other people than she does of me, if I leave, she’ll stop playing with them immediately and follow me. Even if she doesn’t make a massive deal when I walk through the door, she’d still naturally rather be by my side. Good luck with training the little fella, I hope he settles in well! 🥰
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    Thanks @Bangdji for taking the time to reply. :)

    I see what you mean. Even if my dog doesn't always make a massive fuss of me like he does with others, I’m still the one he follows around.

    I suppose when you’ve never had a dog before, you tend to romanticise the relationship. Or at least, that was the case for me anyway. :)

    But I’m learning every day and I hope that, just like with your dog, our bond will keep growing.

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