Overwhelming guilt and heartbreak after my cat was put to sleep...

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Anonymous user Icon representing the flag French
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My beloved girl passed away on Friday, 4th April 2021, and I hadn't mentally prepared myself for the aftermath at all. I just can't move on... We were well aware that she wouldn't be around forever, but there is a massive gap between imagining it and the reality of it actually happening.

I feel guilty for several reasons, the main one being that I'll never truly know if she was really suffering from something.

Granted, she would have been 19 at the start of May, which is a grand old age, but how was she really when that horrible decision was made? She was still using her litter tray (though she was peeing a lot, so maybe there was an issue there...), she was grooming herself without any problems, she still played with little bits and bobs, she still had a bit of a run around after doing her business or when I chased her to play, and she was still jumping quite nimbly for her age. It was with her food that the problems first started, with her appetite for her dry food dropping, and a bit for her pouches too, over the last fortnight.

So there was nothing particularly alarming in what I've just mentioned... except that for the last 4 years, if not longer, she had been yowling, crying, or screaming—if I can call it that (others might call it moaning). At first, it was once or twice in the evening before bed, but then it got worse and worse until it was happening day and night, in the morning, while we were eating, after she'd used the litter tray, before drinking... basically, most of the time she wasn't asleep. It was a daily occurrence.

On top of that, she would pace around the furniture and on the table; the vet said she likely had a psychological or neurological issue.

And it's true that for a few months, I'd noticed her head and body trembling slightly when she slept in the 'Sphinx' position... which points towards neurological problems.

But how can I be sure that all of that was causing her enough pain for ME to take the decision to end her life?

She was still so affectionate, she stayed with me so often, sleeping in her little cat house (which I can't bring myself to throw away) or on top of me. She would ask for strokes and scritches, rubbing her head against me while purring non-stop...

I honestly don't know if this guilt will ever go away...

To my darling girl, whom I'm talking to now: I'm so sorry I did this to you if you weren't suffering enough to deserve it yet...

PS: sorry for the wall of text. Thank you for any replies you might have. Best wishes to you all.

Translated from French
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    • K
    Kelinda Icon representing the flag French
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    STAY STRONG and please don't feel guilty. You helped her pass away peacefully and without pain since she was terminally ill. Cats are experts at hiding their pain; even if she still seemed to have a bit of energy, she must have been suffering. You did the kindest thing by ending her pain. Yes, she might have lived for a few more days or even weeks, but in what state and in how much pain? HAVE NO REGRETS. It's an incredibly hard decision to make and to accept, but in the end, we have to do what's best for them. She had many long, happy years with you and those memories will stay with you forever. Sadly, her time had come—it’s just the way of the world; our time comes for all of us eventually. Thinking of you.
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    K
    Koligane Icon representing the flag French
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    Thank you so much to this site and everyone who posts here... It’s comforting because it helps make a bit more sense of these intense and sorrowful emotions that are, after all, shared by others.

    Hurlan, I completely understand your guilt... Yesterday I took my 15-and-a-half-year-old girl to be put to sleep because she had a large cancerous tumour under her tongue and there was no hope for her... Her mouth was bleeding, she couldn't eat dry food anymore, and she whimpered a bit sometimes... but she was still eating her wet food, and every day she’d have moments where she’d come back to life, go for a stroll, even climb trees... I hesitated a lot, but finally the day before yesterday, seeing her mouth bleeding, her being hesitant to eat and all "dazed", I called the vet to arrange the euthanasia, which took place yesterday...

    My cat didn’t suffer at all from the injections, but before we left for the vet’s, she wanted to go outside for her usual wander. I refused because it was "time", and then at the vet’s, she snuggled up against me... the person who was about to have her put down!!! I haven’t stopped crying since; I feel like I cut her life short too early, for the sake of convenience, and that I betrayed her trust...

    So you see, even if the injection goes smoothly, the problem is that we’re the ones making the decision to have our pet put down to end their suffering, but without meaning to, we can also create other kinds of pain: a botched injection, picking the wrong moment for the euthanasia, our beloved pet looking to us for protection when we’re about to have them put to sleep, etc... It’s terrible.

    Personally, I’ve been regretting not waiting until my cat was suffering more before considering euthanasia, because today I feel like I deprived her of her last few days of walks and cuddles... But maybe I would have regretted something else if I had waited? A painful injection, for example?

    So, I buried her myself with great care. And being certain that life continues for a being when the body dies, I’m speaking to my girl and all the energies of Life, so that her transformation from one form to another allows her to find the happiness of an infinite light...

    The various stories I’ve found here have helped me, and I thank you all very much.

    Euthanasia really is such an incredibly difficult issue...

    Translated from French
    H
    Hurlan Icon representing the flag French
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    She gave him the injection, he cried out in pain, and when I said "come here" and moved towards him, he came straight to me to seek refuge in my arms so I’d protect him, even though I was the one having him killed... That image is haunting me, it’s horrific; I’m really struggling with it. Apparently, it usually takes about 10 minutes for them to fall asleep, but he was so exhausted that I barely had time to give him a cuddle before he was already "asleep". I know he would have suffered if I hadn't had him put down, but it's still a real trauma.
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    H
    Hurlan Icon representing the flag French
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    I had my baby put to sleep today. He was suffering from kidney failure and had stopped eating altogether; he was skin and bone. He also had a necrotic tooth that was causing him a lot of pain. I kept him for a few extra days on the advice of the vet, who said I wasn't ready. Over the weekend, he had a fit. On Monday, we decided to have him put down the following day—today. I’m racked with remorse and guilt. I can’t get the image out of my head of the vet giving him the injection and him crying out in pain; it was horrific. I wanted to hold him in my arms before the injection to say a final goodbye. I thought it would take 10 minutes for him to drift off, but it all happened so fast. I’d barely picked him up and he was already "asleep". I’m struggling so much; I miss him, it’s unbearable.
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    L
    Loulou Icon representing the flag French
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    I lost my little Goulou on 28th March 2021 when he was only 2 and a half. He died in an accident, and I’ve been blaming myself ever since. I loved him so much; he really was my little baby. Usually, I’d let him out 30 minutes after my older cat because I was always worried he’d follow him, but that day, I let them out at the same time. The very thing I dreaded happened! He followed my Bounty and crossed the road, and I never saw him alive again. I feel so guilty for letting them both out together; I feel like I opened the door to his death, especially since he never normally went near the main road. I’m riddled with guilt that I didn’t protect him enough.
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    S
    Smj44 Icon representing the flag French
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    Thanks for your lovely message.
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    S
    Smj44 Icon representing the flag French
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    I had to have my little 2-year-old cat put to sleep (sorry, I really don't like the word euthanise) a few days ago... He was gone in just 15 days... such an aggressive cancer. I truly feel for everyone going through these difficult times, no matter how old our little companions are. I adopted him 18 months ago; he was a little rescue cat. We only had 18 months together, but it was 18 months of pure joy! We had such a special bond and shared so much love. Today, I feel completely lost and heartbroken. It helps to be able to share this with people who I know will understand.
    Translated from French
    ?
    Anonymous user Icon representing the flag French
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    I’m wishing you so much strength, as these are such difficult times.

    I had my cat, Ninouche, put to sleep recently and it’s still very painful. I feel such a huge void inside and I cry for her often.

    Translated from French
    ?
    Anonymous user Icon representing the flag French
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    Evening Audeben, we all know how hard it is, having to make that decision and then seeing them go. There’s such a void left behind afterwards. Poor little thing, to have had such a short life. I’m so very sorry for your loss. Nicole
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    M
    Mike64 Icon representing the flag French
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    @Audeben

    Just as with our loved ones, loving a cat also means preparing yourself for the day they'll leave us, but it’s an incredibly tough time and everyone here knows just how heartbreaking that void can be.

    You did the right thing for him; letting him go was the only kind option left.

    Sending you all my thoughts and lots of strength.

    Translated from French

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