I regret adopting a cat

C
Coupsble Icon representing the flag French
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Hello

I've just adopted a cat from a local rescue shelter.

I thought about it for a long time — months — with plenty of doubts, because:

- I grew up with cats at my parents' house and then had them when I was in a relationship. I was never particularly attached to them, but I did look after them properly.

- I currently live in a flat with no outdoor access, with my 6-year-old daughter.

As a single mum, I feel guilty about the separation from her dad, about her being an only child, and so on.

That pushed me towards thinking about getting a cat — for her.

I'd told her for a long time that we'd wait until we had a house before getting a cat. But finding a house isn't exactly straightforward. So I eventually talked myself into not waiting...

We went to the rescue on Saturday, then back on Sunday to adopt an 8-year-old female cat.

She's lovely — beautiful, calm, and affectionate. She's clean and well-behaved. She managed perfectly fine on her own yesterday (Monday). But... I've been swamped with anxiety and low mood ever since, because I know it's a mistake. We live in a fairly small flat with limited window access.

The main thing is, I'm a bit of a clean freak. I can't stand bad smells. I don't like the idea of a cat going on the beds, for instance, or even the sofa — because of the smell. And I hate having to find space in our tiny home for all the things a cat needs (toys, cat tree, etc.).

I try to reason with myself — for her sake, for my daughter's sake — but I know deep down that I won't get past this feeling. Knowing I've made a mistake, that I was irresponsible for not thinking it through more carefully.

I got this cat to make my daughter happy, to give her a companion, to ease my own guilt in a way, to give her what so many of her classmates have (a pet — even without a house or a "proper" family setup) — but sharing a small living space with a cat feels like more than I can handle. It makes me tense.

On top of that, I already feel guilty that the cat is alone for at least 10 hours a day. Everyone says it's fine — including the rescue — but deep down, I don't really believe that.

In short, I made a poor judgement call. I'm too set in my ways and too much of a clean freak to have a cat in a flat. And probably too selfish to do it for my daughter's sake.

I wanted to make her happy... and in the end, I think I've caused a lot of harm.

How long do I keep the cat out of guilt — guilt towards her, or towards my daughter?

I'm thinking about returning her to the rescue. It's making me feel awful.

I'm not entirely sure what I'm hoping to get out of posting this. Some opinions, I suppose — even if I know they might be harsh.

Translated from French
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    Anonymous user Icon representing the flag French
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    You've actually found a real gem there! Looking at all the posts from members having behavioural issues with their newly adopted cats, they must be so jealous of you. You’ve hit the nail on the head—she’s the one winning you over, and who knows, this could be the start of a really special bond. Cats sleep an awful lot, especially as they get older and even more so in the winter. It’s clear she wasn’t used to going out and probably lived with someone very quiet; she seems like such a well-adjusted little sweetheart. If you have any questions, we’ll give you all the advice we can—nothing is insurmountable. Living with a cat is guaranteed to bring you a sense of zen; they really know how to de-stress us with their purring and kneading. It’s just pure daily happiness.
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    C
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    Evening Blue Cat

    Yes, my username is indeed 'Guilty', which says a lot about my headspace this morning...

    Thank you for your message; you used a very fitting word: nerves.

    The nerves of wondering if I’d made the right decision.

    All the messages have been a huge help today. Thank you so much.

    I have to admit, I was so happy to see her this evening and have her come into my arms of her own accord.

    It’s quite amazing to see her so calm, coming when she's called, and using the right mat to scratch her claws even though she’s only been here since Sunday, and so on...

    We’re getting used to each other—or rather, she’s the one winning me over.

    Translated from French
    Yume
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    Hello, I live in a flat and my cat is left alone for long periods when I'm at work. I often wonder if she’s unhappy, but then I think about all those animals in rescue centres or on the streets, and I tell myself she’s lucky to be loved and safe from the elements (like the storms we've had recently in the North). Since I've been working from home, I’ve realised that even when I am here, she still spends most of her time sleeping anyway! Having a pet involves a fair few constraints, compromises and costs, but they give so much back in return. You might have to deal with a bit of scratching and fur everywhere, but if the litter tray is cleaned daily and every time you see her use it, there shouldn't be any issues with smells (my tray is in the kitchen and it’s an open one). Whatever you decide, you’ll have to stick to it and not feel guilty. But if you do decide to keep her, I think it would be cruel to give her up in a few weeks, months or years.
    Translated from French
    Blue_Cat
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    @Coupsble (I assume you meant @Coupable) I’ve only just seen your post. You’re definitely not a monster; your reaction is actually quite common for people who aren't used to having animals around. Even for those of us who’ve always had cats (myself included), every new arrival brings a bit of ‘new-pet anxiety’—that nagging feeling of, ‘What if I’ve made a huge mistake?’. It has never actually turned out to be the case, but then I’ve known and loved cats my whole life. A quiet senior cat will adapt perfectly well to living in a flat, even a small one. Yours has Siamese genes, which means she'll be very bonded to her humans rather than her territory. A well-kept litter tray only smells right after the cat has done its business; you just need to scoop it out quickly and let some fresh air in. However, yes, cats do create a bit of a mess and you’ll need to clean regularly. Personally, I don’t think someone who is a total clean freak should have pets. That’s the main thing you need to think about before making a final decision. I have three cats in a flat (including two Siamese/Orientals) and I work full-time away from home. It’s completely manageable once you get into a routine with the cleaning and the litter trays. You’ll find your rhythm; over time it gets quicker and easier as you develop a system. Just for your information, and I’m really not trying to make you feel guilty here, but an older cat with an underlying health condition has very little chance of being adopted. I’ve volunteered at animal rescues in the past, and these cats often stayed with us indefinitely, making the best of a permanent life in a shelter. It’s never ideal, of course. Take your time to think it over and don’t hesitate to get back to us.
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    C
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    Thanks Bri93. I hope we both have a good think about things.

    Give yourself plenty of time to grieve.

    I’ve read a lot about not replacing a pet too soon (I looked into it for my mum, who eventually took two years to get over the loss of our 21-year-old cat).

    In the meantime, I’ve just bought some good cat litter.

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    B
    Bri 93 Icon representing the flag French
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    Yes @coupsble, I’m so sorry if I upset you with my words... Firstly, getting a cat from a rescue like the RSPCA is a wonderful thing... Cats sleep a lot, and mine being poorly slept even more... As for litter smells, well, there are all sorts of odour-free ones these days; I used to add a bit of honeysuckle for Toutouille...

    You’ve brought a little life into your flat. Your heart is saying yes and no—what should I do? It takes a lot of patience with an animal... I know that... I’ve filled out an adoption form today too, and I’m also asking myself so many questions. Is it too soon? Will I be able to cope with looking after another animal? Our minds really put us through the wringer! I’m hesitant too. So, I’m not judging you; just give yourself and your kitty some time... time makes us stronger...

    Best wishes,

    bri93

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    C
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    I'm so sorry for your loss, Bri 93.

    I understand that my hesitation has upset you. I'm not proud of it and I’m actually giving it some serious thought for the sake of the cat, as I don't want to make her unhappy.

    Translated from French
    C
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    You’re right, putting my feelings and anxieties into words and feeling understood is really helping me see things more clearly. I wasn’t sure who to talk to because it’s so hard to tell the people around you, "I’ve adopted a cat but I’m having second thoughts..." Being at home this afternoon, I also noticed that the little puss sleeps non-stop... so the day must actually go by pretty quickly for her. I’m also starting to accept a messier living room... it’s probably more "lived-in", I suppose. I think the decision will just come naturally; it’ll come from the heart. Last night, my head was screaming at me, "take this cat back," "what on earth have you let yourself in for?" But my heart is saying something else entirely, if I actually listen to it. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me. I’ll keep you all posted!
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    B
    Bri 93 Icon representing the flag French
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    Hello,

    I lost my little one a month and a half ago, and every single day is a struggle for me. I did everything I could to save him... I agree with Ulalie, who is very experienced with cats—take her back to the RSPCA. Owning a pet involves making a lot of sacrifices, and it shouldn't just be for the child's sake.

    If you don’t like the smells, then I’m sorry, but you shouldn't get a cat or any other animal; hearing things like that is honestly pathetic.

    Kind regards,

    Essi

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    ?
    Anonymous user Icon representing the flag French
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    I’ve noticed that your tone has really changed since this morning; you actually seem quite attached to this lovely girl—she has such a sweet little face. I don’t want to play the armchair psychologist, but I wonder if talking about it openly and us understanding how you’re feeling has helped you get some perspective.

    Your life is all over the place right now, which is completely understandable, but honestly, living in a small flat is no barrier at all to having a cat—especially a very calm, easy-going adult one. For a FIV+ cat, you’re actually the ideal owner; it’s just a matter of whether you want to be, but I get the feeling you’re really weighing it all up.

    What’s most important in life? A bit of fur on the sofa or the rug, or a lovely little cat who could fill the void when your daughter is at her dad’s? It could also help your daughter have a more stable life despite the downsides of having a pet—because of course there are downsides, we all know them here—but you have to weigh them up against the benefits and all the love, gentleness and stability an animal brings to a home.

    You can rebuild your life with your daughter and your cat. Try to really weigh up the pros and cons; setting yourself a deadline is a good idea, but don't let it go beyond that. It’s so important for the cat and for your daughter too, as she’ll only get more attached—and clearly you will, too. While you seemed really overwhelmed this morning, you seem much more at peace this afternoon. Don’t hesitate to share your worries; it can help you get through it all and make the right decision.

    Translated from French

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