I ran over my own cat

Thanks Cody, and I’m so sorry about your cat; I can imagine it hasn't been easy for you either. The guilt must have been eating you alive just like it is with me, even though it was an accident too... Like you say, I keep thinking that if it had been just a minute later, he wouldn’t have ended up under the wheels... I wish I could go back in time and just stay all day at the car boot sale I’d signed up for, instead of coming home early to go skiing. I keep telling myself I was so selfish wanting to leave the sale to go skiing; I wouldn’t have needed to get the car out and my cat might still be here...

As for finishing him off, I’ve had a lot of stick for it, but in the heat of the moment you just don't know what to do. It all happened so fast; the cat was gasping on the ground, its eye was hanging out... it was a total nightmare. The neighbour was so sure of himself, and seeing the state the cat was in, I knew there was nothing that could be done... we just wanted to end his suffering as quickly as possible. He probably had broken bones, so moving him was out of the question—we would have only caused him more pain—and to be honest, I couldn't have faced holding his eye... Plus, we would have needed the out-of-hours vet and the nearest one was 30 minutes away... that’s a long time for the poor cat. It’s so hard to make the right call in the moment; we’d always been told above all else not to let them suffer. We didn’t stop to think, we just thought we were doing the right thing, even though it was a horrific thing to do...

Accidents do happen, and your story is truly heartbreaking. However, I can’t quite understand the decision to run him over again to finish it. Taking him to the vet to be put to sleep would have been much kinder for your cat, rather than ending his life with even more suffering. But that's just my opinion... Seeing a therapist might help you get through this. If you’re still talking about it and feeling so affected more than a year later, it shows you’re clearly still a long way from coming to terms with it. I completely understand that it’s a traumatic thing to move past, but it was just a tragic accident. Getting some professional help could really help you move on.

Hi there, I’ve never gone through this myself, but I can only imagine the pain you’re feeling. It’s actually because my cat has no road sense and keeps lying in the middle of the road that I decided to keep her indoors or only take her out on a lead. I completely understand why this has stayed with you. I’ve lost several pets over the years, and I’ve witnessed some quite painful endings, like one of my rabbits who had a heart attack. As much as I try to only remember the happy times with them, sometimes those final moments come back to me, and it really is heartbreaking. My heart goes out to you, stay strong.

I'll have a think about the behaviourist, but I'm worried it might be a bit pricey...

Thank you so much.... Yes, I thought time would help, but he’s still on my mind all the time... I find myself saying sorry to him whenever I go to see his grave. We buried him in our garden, and my children, who do pottery, made a memorial plaque for him. We put flowers on the grave every now and then... but strangely enough, it seems to do me more harm than good to go and see him, so I don’t go very often... I’ve posted a tribute to him on a pet memorial site, but it’s still so hard when those images keep playing over and over in my head every so often.... Thank you anyway for all your kind words.

Hello Enicia, This is just awful, and I’m so sorry for what you're going through. It must be incredibly hard to deal with, and I completely understand why those images are so shocking and why they've stayed with you. A while back, after a different incident, I also spent two or three years with some very violent and painful memories stuck in my head that I just couldn't shake. Some people here might laugh, but when I couldn't take it anymore, I got in touch with a therapist for some short-term therapy (3-4 sessions) to try and "free" myself. I was very surprised by how well it worked. From wherever he is now, I truly believe your cat has forgiven you. You should ask him for his forgiveness. Animals are often much more forgiving and understanding than some humans. This little puss knows exactly what's what where he is now; he knew he was a bit of a rascal, a bit cheeky, and that he was playing with fire... My mum’s beloved dog was being looked after by her brother (as my mum was working abroad and couldn't take her pet with her), and while getting out of the car, our little Maverick dashed out (my uncle wasn't as quick as him) and was run over right in front of my aunts and uncle by a reversing 4x4. Sadly, these things do happen, but personally, I think it will be very tough to lift this weight off your shoulders without a little bit of help... Wishing you lots of strength, Enicia. Jack’s mum :) www.jacktheblackcat.com

Actually @alexaquario, the neighbour did it out of mercy because the poor cat was in a terrible state and yet still alive. I didn't have the heart to finish him off, so I asked my husband to do it since he wasn't as attached to him, but it still really shook him up... It all happened so fast, the cat was in his final throes... We just wanted his ordeal to end... and I have to admit, I didn't really take in what was happening, I felt like I was bound to wake up from this nightmare... we listened to the neighbour because he was a volunteer firefighter and I thought he’d know what to do... in the end, he came to see us to say we’d done the right thing, but I just don't know... maybe he would have passed away a few minutes later, or several hours later, and that would have been unbearable... if only there was an emergency service for cats... To make matters worse, I live right out in the sticks, it was a Sunday and the vets are far away. In the country, animals aren't always valued as much as they are in the city... I regret it so much. Thanks @smash li for the kind comment.

Hi Enicia, Your story is so moving, and I wanted to send you my deepest condolences. I wouldn't wish what you’ve been through on anyone, but I really understand the pain of losing a pet so tragically. I lost one of my own kittens in a similar way, so I know exactly how much it hurts. My little Olympe went missing on Christmas night, and we found him three days later. He was completely stiff and one of his back legs had literally been "skinned". He’d only just turned 8 months old on 21st December 2015. We found him in our garden—a neighbour must have chucked him back over the hedge because they were probably fed up with hearing us shouting our lungs out calling for him for three days straight. I really feel for you when you say you can't get those final moments out of your head; whenever I think of mine, I can still see his little lifeless body lying there in the grass. As for me, I haven't forgotten the tragedy, I just live with it. I spent the first two weeks shut in my room crying my eyes out. I loved him like a son, even though I'm only 21. I couldn't forgive myself for him being gone so soon; I kept thinking that if I'd searched for just one more hour, maybe I would have found him safe and sound. But then time passes, and that hole in your heart starts to hurt a bit less. The bad memories slowly get replaced by the better ones. I’ve really cherished the pets I have left since it happened: Perle, my 7-year-old dog, and Ebi, Olympe’s sister. You can't forget what happened, but you try to replace the bad memories with good ones. I tell myself he had a lovely life full of adventures and being told off, because he absolutely loved getting into mischief! Even now, I still cry because I miss him so much. He used to wrap his paws around my neck when I picked him up and rest his cheek against mine. I haven't had his sister spayed yet because I'd like her to have a litter so we can keep a couple of the kittens. I know it's selfish and that there are so many strays and abandoned cats out there, but she's all I have left of "him". I keep thinking that with a bit of luck, one of the little ones will have their uncle's personality! That's what keeps me going and helps me move forward. I hope you find the strength to forgive yourself and that maybe one day you'll rescue another cat from the RSPCA! :) Best wishes, Camille