A year ago, I ran over my own cat and I still blame myself today. I'm looking for stories from people who have been through the same thing.
Pablo was adopted from a rescue centre where I volunteer; I had him for 15 years, and he was 17 on the day he died. He was such a lovely cat, a real gentle soul, so affectionate. He used to follow the kids on the way to school, and we would end up running to try and shake him off so he wouldn't get hit by a car... My neighbours, looking on in disbelief, would say 'Late for school again, then?' and I never dared admit I was actually trying to outrun the cat...
Pablo had a bad habit of darting between cars, and I lost count of how many times he nearly got run over right in front of us. But I never, ever thought it would be me who did it... I was reversing out of the garage; he'd sneaked out when I thought he was fast asleep, and he went right under the wheels. When I got out, I saw the look on my neighbours' faces—they had seen it happen. They were looking under my car, shaking their heads, and that is when I knew. I hadn't seen a thing, hadn't felt a thing... my cat was dying on the ground in a pool of blood. He wasn't dead yet, and the kids were screaming 'No, not Pablo!'... I didn't even cry at the time. I was in total shock, just repeating that it was a nightmare... that it couldn't be real. But it was. Even now, I still wonder why I had to go through such an ordeal, especially as I love animals so much...
When you lose a pet, you often feel guilty at first for having them put to sleep, but later you remember the good times. Today, when I think of Pablo, I can only think of the accident and the images of my cat covered in blood... violent images that sometimes just play on a loop in my head.
For those of you who have been in a similar situation, how did you manage to stop dwelling on it so much?
Thanks in advance for your replies.
Translated from French
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If you think seeing a therapist might help, do speak to your GP. If they’re understanding, they might be able to refer you for some sessions on the NHS. You’ll probably never forget, but it could help you come to terms with things and forgive yourself, so that you can learn to live with it. Alternatively, there’s always hypnotherapy (if you’re receptive to it), which can help to process those awful images in your mind.
You’re more than welcome. If it helps ease the burden even slightly, the grief will eventually fade. Now, you’ll be left with the lovely memories, the happy times, and all the love he gave back and shared with your family. A good long journey together means so much, and he was such a faithful companion!
Thank you so much Josiane for your scientific explanation; your comment has finally eased my conscience a bit and lifted some of the guilt...
It’s so awful about your young cat too. Just like me, I’m sure the images must be haunting you since it’s all so recent... I’m truly sorry for your loss... you gave him his freedom, it was just such terrible luck...
You’re right, mine was actually quite lucky not to have been run over sooner, given the way he was around cars...
Sending you strength – you loved your kitty, that’s the main thing, and at least he didn’t suffer...
And thanks again to everyone who has been so kind, it really touched me. I’d like to close this thread now on this chapter of my life, which will always be a painful memory... and on Josiane’s comment, which I want to hold onto so I can accept what happened without so much guilt... thank you again Josiane, you’ve taken a real weight off my mind tonight...
I think if he took a hit to the head, his eye was out and his organs were affected, he would have been in a coma already. He wouldn't have suffered anymore; running him over again only served to make you feel more guilty. He must have been clinically dead already. I lost a cat 7 days ago; he didn't come home last Friday. I spent the whole night calling for him, and the next morning I got a call from the vet. Someone found my cat dead and took him there. I unwrapped him to see him; his eyes were out and his tongue too, but otherwise, there was nothing else. I had to see him to really accept that he was dead. He wouldn't have suffered because the impact was so quick. He had wandered far from home; if he hadn't been microchipped, we’d never have known what happened to him. You have to try and move on; he had a good, long life, and many don't make it to that age. You have to think about all the happiness you gave him. Mine would have only been 2 in September.
Thanks @ethma, I’m so sorry about your kitten, I understand how your husband feels... In the midst of such a tragedy, you were "lucky" that he died instantly... I feel so much guilt for hitting him, but also for running over him a second time... I don't think the neighbour was heartless; he has plenty of animals that he seems to love... He thought he was doing the right thing given the circumstances...
Today I find myself thinking that if that kind of situation happened again, maybe you should put them to sleep with ether, I don't know...?
Lots of people have told me "if you had to choose, better the cat than a child", but honestly, why even choose? I'd have preferred neither...
I’ve often told myself that if it had been one of my children, I obviously wouldn’t have run over them again, I would have called 999. That’s sadly not an option for animals because, I must stress, he really didn't look like he could be moved—I’m 90% sure of that, but of course, there’s always a lingering doubt... maybe I should have waited for him to pass away naturally, but that might have taken a long time, and I would have felt guilty about that too... it’s so hard to know what the right thing to do was at the time...
I understand how hard this must be for you, and your neighbour is heartless...
My husband also accidentally crushed one of our cats. He was just a kitten and the runt of the litter.
He’d got into the habit of coming to sleep at my husband’s feet while he was on the computer. One day, my husband got up, didn’t realise the kitten was there, and stepped on his head.
I can still see it now. It was the first time I’d ever seen my husband cry; he felt so guilty for months.
It was an accident, just like yours was.
Yes, all those 'what ifs' really do make life a misery...
But as I’ve said, you have to accept the idea that we can't control everything (I know the trend nowadays is towards 'total control', but it’s just an illusion)
PS: Regarding the fact you had to run him over again... I can only imagine how horrific that scene must have been... but yes, you had to put an end to his suffering, given what you’ve described... and as for the method, no one can judge, because no one knows what they would do in those circumstances
I know it’s horrible to have run him over, but you react differently depending on the situation. I once saw a cat get run over right in front of my car by a motorcyclist who couldn't avoid him; the cat was stumbling but still alive and looked okay, so I put him in my car to rush him to the vet. By the time we arrived, he’d died—probably from internal bleeding...
I’m not trying to make excuses for myself, far from it, but if I could have done anything differently for my beloved cat, I think I would have, even though I was in a complete state of shock... I even had a stutter until that evening and I was scared I’d stay like that. I didn't even realise that a stutter could be triggered by shock...
