I ran over my own cat

Enicia
Enicia Icon representing the flag French
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Hello everyone,

A year ago, I ran over my own cat and I still blame myself today. I'm looking for stories from people who have been through the same thing.

Pablo was adopted from a rescue centre where I volunteer; I had him for 15 years, and he was 17 on the day he died. He was such a lovely cat, a real gentle soul, so affectionate. He used to follow the kids on the way to school, and we would end up running to try and shake him off so he wouldn't get hit by a car... My neighbours, looking on in disbelief, would say 'Late for school again, then?' and I never dared admit I was actually trying to outrun the cat...

Pablo had a bad habit of darting between cars, and I lost count of how many times he nearly got run over right in front of us. But I never, ever thought it would be me who did it... I was reversing out of the garage; he'd sneaked out when I thought he was fast asleep, and he went right under the wheels. When I got out, I saw the look on my neighbours' faces—they had seen it happen. They were looking under my car, shaking their heads, and that is when I knew. I hadn't seen a thing, hadn't felt a thing... my cat was dying on the ground in a pool of blood. He wasn't dead yet, and the kids were screaming 'No, not Pablo!'... I didn't even cry at the time. I was in total shock, just repeating that it was a nightmare... that it couldn't be real. But it was. Even now, I still wonder why I had to go through such an ordeal, especially as I love animals so much...

When you lose a pet, you often feel guilty at first for having them put to sleep, but later you remember the good times. Today, when I think of Pablo, I can only think of the accident and the images of my cat covered in blood... violent images that sometimes just play on a loop in my head.

For those of you who have been in a similar situation, how did you manage to stop dwelling on it so much?

Thanks in advance for your replies.

Translated from French
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    • Enicia
    Enicia Icon representing the flag French
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    I’m so sorry for your loss; it really is heartbreaking. My cat was very old and hardly ever went outside anymore. One day, I was at a car boot sale, but it was so quiet I decided to pack up around 1 pm to make the most of the snow and go skiing. I really wish I’d just stayed at that sale; my cat might still be here now... The worst part is that a week before, I’d had a really strong bad feeling, but I thought it was about the car boot sale. My husband saw how much I was struggling and said, "don’t go if you’ve got such a bad feeling," but I went anyway. As I was pulling the car out of the garage, the cat slipped out of the house, and while I was manoeuvring, he got between the front and back wheels—I didn't feel a thing... The images were devastating, the bloodstains on the white snow... thankfully, over time, those memories have slowly started to fade. I eventually realised that I wasn't to blame, even though I still feel guilty. I didn't want my Pablo to have died for nothing... so I started volunteering at a rescue centre again, with the dogs this time, and it did me a world of good. Two years ago, we decided to adopt a 10-year-old dog who has brought me so much happiness, even though I know I’ll have to say goodbye all too soon given his age. I know how difficult this ordeal is. Give yourself some time, and just remember that you aren't alone in going through this. Take care...
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    Anonymous user Icon representing the flag French
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    Hello,

    While searching online to see if anyone had been through the same heartbreaking experience I've just lived through, I came across your post.

    Last Thursday, I came home as I do every evening, and every time, my little black cat, Pita, would come running from the garden to meet the car she'd heard pulling up.

    I'd ease through the gate very slowly and she'd follow me right to the entrance of the basement door. As always, I'd go down to open the sliding door, being very careful she didn't slip through at the same time — which did happen occasionally — but this time, no, she'd stayed near the car.

    I got back in, and as I always do, I revved the engine in neutral to warn her I was about to bring the car in, then started rolling very slowly.

    I felt something under the car — like a stone, or something — just a fraction of a second. Then, once the car was all the way inside, I told myself I should go and check what it might have been.

    And that's when I saw my poor Pita lying on her side, her back legs moving back and forth in spasms, but no meowing — nothing. Just the sudden realisation that something irreversible had happened. I had driven over her head. One of her eyes had come out and her mouth was slightly open.

    After about thirty seconds, she was gone. My Pita — the one who came to meet me every single evening, who followed me everywhere, who would settle beside me when I was gardening, who would cuddle up to anyone who came to the house — she was affection personified. I loved her so much, her and her sister, who had gone missing four months ago.

    Pita was barely a year and a half old.

    Since Thursday, I haven't been able to go back home. Those images haunt me. I'm consumed by guilt, trying to understand why she was in line with a wheel rather than beside the car as she usually was.

    I was careful. Always going slowly, just in case. And even that wasn't enough.

    She was buried that same evening, and the next day I cleaned up her little things and put everything away.

    It's awful. I killed this wonderful little cat when she was simply overjoyed to see me come home.

    How do you ever get over something like that?

    A cousin and his wife had given me these two little cats when they could see I was going through a rough patch after a breakup. Without knowing it, those two brought me all the warmth and affection I needed to get back on my feet.

    Five months ago, I met someone new, and within those same five months, I've lost both my girls — Pita and Mali.

    How did it happen for you?

    Thank you for listening.

    Translated from French
    Enicia
    Enicia Icon representing the flag French
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    Hi, well I didn't think this post would be commented on again today. I stumbled across it again by chance while looking up whether rainwater is okay for dogs, and it led me back to this thread where a young woman was sharing her heartbreak over finding her kitten had drowned in her water butt... Unfortunately, since I accidentally ran over my own cat, I've realised that these things happen much more often than you'd think. I know better than anyone how it feels to go through something like that. Luckily, our memories are selective and the worst images slowly start to fade; you never forget, obviously, but time does eventually soften those traumatic memories. The only thing is, even now, I’ve almost stopped thinking about him too much or visiting his grave at the bottom of the garden. I still feel a bit guilty that it’s come to that, but it just still hurts too much. I hope one day I'll be able to look back on the happy memories and let the bad ones go, but I’m not quite at that stage yet. I’ve had other pets since, but the shock still keeps me from remembering only the good times, though things are getting a bit better now. My heart goes out to everyone who has been through the same thing – it was just a freak accident and it wasn't your fault...
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    Anonymous user Icon representing the flag French
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    My dad actually ran over his own cat in the same situation too (except his cat passed away 2-3 days later), but he eventually came to terms with the fact that he obviously hadn't wanted it to happen and that it was just a tragic accident.... You should be glad your cat made it to 17; my Groseille was run over when she was only about 3 or 4...
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    Anonymous user Icon representing the flag French
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    Hi,

    I'm so sorry to hear that...

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    Anonymous user Icon representing the flag French
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    Hi Enicia, Please stop blaming yourself. You loved your cat dearly; you didn't see it coming and it is not your fault. Regarding what happened next, you were in shock and you simply did what you and those around you thought was best at the time. Nobody knows how they would have reacted in a situation like that.
    Translated from French
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    Malkia Icon representing the flag French
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    Hi Enicia, What can I say, the same thing happened to me... Last Thursday, the day after my birthday, I was getting in the car to go to work. I opened the gate, reversed out of the garden, and once the car was parked outside, I got out to close the gate... and that’s when I saw my little black cat in her final moments, right there in front of me in the garden... I screamed and howled with pain, guilt, and sadness... The worst part is that I didn't feel a thing, and I never have the reflex to check under the car because she always used to move away as soon as I opened the gate... It was the same—eye bulging, blood everywhere... those images make me feel physically sick. I have nightmares about it, and now I feel so low every time I go into the garden... I rescued this cat from the street; she was probably barely two months old and was starving to death... she took to me straight away, she never strayed... we were pregnant at the same time, and she’d become even more of a homebody since I had my daughter... she was only three, my poor girl. I hope writing this down helps at least a bit because I’m really struggling. We kept her son from the litter; he’s usually a bit of a wanderer, but over the last three days we’ve seen him every single day, which is rare. He’s sniffing under the car, looking for her in the bamboo... it breaks my heart. People can tell me all they want that "it’s just a cat", but the loss—and the fact it was my fault—haunts me... I hope time eventually helps... Hello, What you’re going through is horrific. My heart goes out to you, and I truly hope you manage to get through this... If anyone else comes along and tells you "it’s just a cat", here is an example of what you can say back to them: "You’re right, it’s just a cat. Just a loyal companion who lived with me and kept me company for years; just a member of my family whom I loved and saw every single day; just a life I saved from certain death and looked after every day. It’s just a being I care about as much as my own daughter, and more than a lot of people." And above all, don't forget the sarcastic tone...
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    Anonymous user Icon representing the flag French
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    Hi Enicia,

    What can I say, the same thing happened to me...

    Last Thursday, the day after my birthday, I was getting in the car to go to work. I opened the gate, reversed in the garden, and once the car was parked outside, I got out to close the gate... and that’s when I saw my little black cat dying right there in front of my eyes in the garden...

    I screamed and wailed with pain, guilt, and sadness... The worst part is that I didn't feel a thing, and I never think to look under the car because she always used to move away as soon as I opened the gate... It was the same—her eye was bulging, blood everywhere... those images make me feel physically sick. I'm having nightmares about it, and now I feel so low whenever I go into the garden...

    I rescued that cat from the street; she must have been barely 2 months old and was starving... she took to me straight away and never wandered off... we were pregnant at the same time, and she’d become even more of a homebody since I had my daughter... she was only 3 years old, my poor little girl. I hope writing this down helps at least a bit because I’m really struggling. We kept her son from the litter; he’s usually a bit of a wanderer, but in the last three days we’ve seen him every day, which is rare. He’s sniffing under the car, looking for her in the bamboo... it’s heartbreaking.

    No matter how much people tell me she was "just a cat", losing her and it being my fault haunts me...

    I hope that time will help...

    Translated from French
    Enicia
    Enicia Icon representing the flag French
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    Hi tintine, I am so sorry for your loss and I understand more than anyone exactly how you feel. I don’t know why I felt the urge to revisit my old post, but I saw that you went through the same tragedy a month ago. My cat has been gone for two years now; I’ll never forget and I still have those traumatic images in my head, but they resurface less and less often, mostly just around anniversaries. It wasn’t your fault, it was just a freak accident... Thinking of you.
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    Anonymous user Icon representing the flag French
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    Hello, three months ago a kitten turned up in my garden and then moved into my house. He was feral and not really accepted by my four other cats at first. He was a timid little thing, terrified of people. Through a lot of patience and bits of chicken, I managed to win him over. After a month and a half, we were cuddling on the sofa. He used to look at me with such love and gentleness. A truly sweet little boy. The others eventually accepted him too. He never even ventured out of my garden. On the 27th of December, he was playing outside with two of the others. Usually, I check under the car and spot them in the garden, but for some reason, I didn't think to do it then. I reversed slowly. I felt more resistance than usual, like I was trying to get over a bump, but I kept going. Then I saw my baby run out and collapse a yard away in the garage, right by the cat flap. His eye had come out and blood had sprayed about five feet. I hate myself; I ended his life when it could have been so beautiful. He trusted me and I killed him. I’m in so much pain and so ashamed. I replay the scene in my head all day long, telling myself I should have checked before getting in the car. We all miss him so much. The other four are still looking for him. I killed a living soul, my own little boy, I feel like such a horrible person.
    Translated from French

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