I can't get over the loss of my cat

B
Bocaj Icon representing the flag French
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Hello,

My 8-year-old cat passed away 6 weeks ago and I just can't seem to get over it. I’m still crying every day, spending so much time dwelling on my guilt. Even though I know you can't change the past, I’m constantly playing out scenarios in my head that might have saved him.

I’ve had him since he was a tiny kitten, and he was the first and only cat I’ve ever adopted myself. Throughout his life, he had one health issue after another and so many accidents that he spent more time at the vet’s than all my parents’ cats put together.

Then, 3 years ago, I took him to the vet because he’d lost a lot of weight. She did a blood test and diagnosed him with autoimmune haemolytic anaemia and put him on steroids. The treatment was a success; he put the weight back on quickly and was back to his old self. However, he relapsed as soon as we tried to stop the steroids, so we kept him on the treatment.

Aware of the dangers of long-term steroid use, we still tried to taper the dose down as much as possible, and life went on for 3 years. We took him for his boosters at the vet every year, and since she didn't do any specific check-ups, I didn't really think twice about it.

This summer, the day before we were due to go away on holiday, I noticed he was going to the toilet very often, or maybe he was constipated—I wasn't sure. I mentioned it to the vet, who asked me to get a urine sample and gave me an appointment for the next day. We pushed back our holiday by two days and I took him in. According to the tests, he had a UTI with blood and crystals in his urine, and his bladder was badly swollen. When they weighed him, I noticed he was skin and bone, and I started blaming myself for not noticing earlier. The vet gave him an anti-inflammatory jab, one for pain relief, and another one for something else I can't recall. She prescribed an anti-spasmodic, his steroids (increasing the dose), and some prescription food to dissolve the crystals.

I kept my cat with me until the following evening, making sure he ate. I didn't see any improvement, but I told myself it would take time for the meds to kick in. Then I left him with the friends who usually look after him, as originally planned, with his medication and special food.

I was checking in regularly and apparently, he was eating, drinking, and still urinating very frequently in tiny amounts. I was a bit worried but didn't do anything.

But after a week, my friend took him to the emergency vet (my local vet apparently couldn't fit him in) because he couldn't get up anymore.

There, they found a stone (calcium oxalate, so it couldn't be dissolved) blocking his urethra, which they had to push back into the bladder. My cat was in a comatose state. They asked me if they should try everything, and I said yes. They tried to stabilise him, put him on a catheter and a drip.

Translated from French
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47 answers
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    • B
    Bdjfr Icon representing the flag French
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    Thank you for your message; your kind words about me and my beloved Titi really touched me. His photo is on the site. I also read about what happened to you – it's so sad. I understand exactly what you’re going through, it’s so hard to cope with. I’m really struggling and I’m crying all the time. We were so close; he used to sleep with me, he was truly my baby. I regret not doing what was needed to save him. I rely on others too much because of my health, and if I’d acted sooner, he’d still be alive. I’m fuming about it. I’m ill at the moment; I’ve got a cough and I’ve lost my voice, probably because of the exhaustion and the sleepless nights without my precious Titi. To me, he was so much more than just a pet; he was my friend and he loved me so much too. I’ll never have another like him, he was one of a kind. I’ve only got 4 cats left now, older girls. They really don't come close to my darling Titi, though I do love them all the same. I’ve got another one wandering around outside because someone cut the mesh on my little window; I’d put it there so he could get some fresh air without risking his life with the traffic, but unfortunately, some people just don’t understand. I’m going to try and get him back despite my very poor eyesight. Thanks again for your support. Thinking of you.
    Translated from French
    L
    Lorie Icon representing the flag French
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    @Bdjfr, I really feel for you in your sadness. It’s such a huge loss, like a part of yourself is missing. I’m the same as you—I’m still crying and finding it so hard to find any comfort because my own little one passed away a month ago. She’d gone to shelter in a neighbour’s garage, the only one left open, and during the night she crawled onto the wheel of the car. In the morning, when the car started, she fell into the driveshaft and was crushed. I looked everywhere for her, never thinking she was just 10 yards from my house. I feel so much guilt, especially as I only found out four days later; my neighbour didn’t want to tell me and she ended up putting her in the bin, even though she was microchipped. To top it off, she actually asked me for money to have her car washed; I was in such denial that I didn't even take it in at the time. So I truly understand your suffering. Today, I still have six old street rescues I’ve taken in, but none of them will ever replace her because she was my sunshine. I wish you so much courage, but we have to keep going. I see so much misery with animals just surviving around me, so I do what I can despite my advancing years. We have to grieve and move on because our beloved pets won’t come back, sadly... There is real suffering in this world, and I keep going because I follow the Bible. Like you, I asked the Heavenly Father for a miracle, like He did for Lazarus when He raised him, but sadly He allowed this to happen, so there must be a reason. We don't always know why, but I'm sure the future will tell us... Wishing you lots of strength.
    Translated from French
    B
    Bdjfr Icon representing the flag French
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    Good evening, I lost my little darling, who was ten and a half, on 15 November 2021. His name was Titi; he was incredibly sweet and very cuddly—he was my best friend. He slept with me every night, right up against me. He would often climb up above the pillow and flop down quite heavily onto my head, which would wake me up. I’d end up with no room to sleep, but I didn't mind at all. I’m 57, yet I still saw him as my little comfort; there was such a deep bond between us, and since he passed away, I’ve been suffering so much. I’m just inconsolable, especially as I’m an insulin-dependent diabetic and have to give myself four injections a day. On top of that, I have total cataracts and glaucoma in both eyes, so I don't go out at all anymore. My sweet cat Titi was my only joy, my lifeblood. The living room feels so empty now. I still have other cats, but they aren't the same as my darling Titi, who was so intelligent, perfectly house-trained, and would follow me everywhere in the room. He was the only cat I fed with wet food pouches—or rather, he’d eat it straight from the end of the pouch; if any fell into his bowl, he wouldn't touch it. I always thought that was odd, but it didn't bother me. He also had this way of tilting his head back to nuzzle my chin; he did it to my mum too, and we both loved it. We miss him so terribly now. The worst part is that I feel responsible for his death; living in a small country village, my mother and I took too long to find someone to drive him to the vet since my uncle wasn't available. Things went wrong, and now I feel so guilty. He shouldn't have died, and just thinking about it makes me cry so much, which makes my eyesight even worse. That’s why I understand how you feel. My beautiful Titi was light grey with very soft, short fur, white tips on his paws, a white belly, and white markings around his mouth. I used to kiss him all the time near his ears and on his nose. I miss all of that so much; it’s left a total void. I’ve lost my appetite too—basically, I haven’t been feeling at all well these last few days. My little ray of sunshine is sadly gone. He was one of a kind; there’ll never be another like him. I wish I were a magician so I could bring him back to life—it would be so wonderful.
    Translated from French
    ?
    Anonymous user Icon representing the flag French
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    Hi everyone. A year ago, I lost my second cat who was only a year old. I’d found him crying in a bird's nest on some land; he couldn't get back down and had wounds on his neck. I brought him home and nursed him for months because he kept scratching himself and reopening the cuts. At best, he had a two-month break without any injuries. Lab tests showed that his skin had a collagen deficiency, so it tore incredibly easily. Because of that, I decided never to let him out to avoid fights and the risk of finding him in an even worse state. But he kept injuring himself badly, always in the same places, and he was barely a year old... I’d made an appointment at the charity vet but couldn't get through to them to confirm. Then one morning, I got repeated calls around 9:10 am telling me my appointment was at 9:00 (it had been mentioned in a message I hadn't received). I rushed over, put the little lad in his carrier, and took him in. Seeing his latest injury, the vet suggested it was best not to wake him up. It was so sudden; I wasn't expecting it at all. I left with an empty carrier. I put on a brave face and pretended to be relieved at the time, but I cried my eyes out when I got home. I felt so guilty for not letting him enjoy the outdoors before he passed away. His death convinced me to let my two little ones go out now, as I can see how much they love being outside. Never mind the risks (they’ve already had two scraps and injuries)—I won’t feel guilty for depriving them of the freedom they enjoy so much. Stay strong, everyone going through a loss. Don't beat yourselves up too much and keep taking care of the ones still with us.
    Translated from French
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    Anonymous user Icon representing the flag French
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    The final moments we share with our pets are almost always just "ordinary" moments because they’re simply part of day-to-day life.

    Even though you knew your cat was poorly, you couldn't have imagined what would happen that day, especially since your vet had been so reassuring.

    So please, don't keep dwelling on the memory of "the last time I saw her alive", because there was no way of knowing it would be the last time. And even if you had been there, you’d probably feel even more guilty because death is never "peaceful" and there wouldn't have been anything you could do; your final memory would just have been even more traumatic.

    Try to focus on the happy memories instead, because there must be so many from across 18 years—the day she was born if you were there, the day you chose her, the day she joined your family, and so on. All of that is much more joyful to think about.

    I agree with kalou; I think that perhaps, even if you weren't expecting it on that specific day, it’s almost a blessing that it wasn't the CKD that took her in the end.

    I’ve never had to deal with a long, terminal illness, but I nearly lost a cat to a severe bout of cat flu once. Five years later, I still tear up thinking about it, even though my cat is doing brilliantly now.

    So, I do think it’s sometimes better to lose a pet suddenly through an accident, even if it's a shock, rather than having to watch them fade away slowly and inevitably from a disease, or being there for their final moments if an accident isn't instant.

    It’s never easy, of course. My heart goes out to you; after 18 years, she’s bound to leave a huge hole in your life. I understand why you’re wondering what might have happened if you hadn't taken her to the vet or if you’d gone back to see her, but the reality is quite simple: you would have either been there and been unable to help, or she would have passed away a bit later from the CKD or by being put to sleep.

    Anyway, my thoughts are with you. I truly sympathise, and while you might not agree right now, I can't help but feel that, in some way, it was probably for the best.

    Take care.

    Translated from French
    M
    Mike64 Icon representing the flag French
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    @Blue I’d never really looked at it from that perspective (I think I’ve just dealt with each loss as it came) but you’re absolutely right... knowing an animal is going to die, making the decision, knowing when to make the call, the trip to the vet specifically for that purpose... those are definitely very tough moments too, where the cat or dog picks up on our distress tenfold...
    Translated from French
    Blue_Cat
    Blue_cat Icon representing the flag French
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    Hi there, It’s completely normal to feel this way; 18 years together is incredible. Given her age and her condition, she would have passed away anyway, and you’d likely feel even more guilty if it had happened while she was home alone, rather than at the vet's under observation. Having time to ‘say your goodbyes’ isn’t necessarily a good thing, as cats can pick up on your distress and grief. Sending you strength—this is a real bereavement, and only time can ease such immense heartache. We all know that pain here.
    Translated from French
    M
    Mike64 Icon representing the flag French
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    Hello, I went through exactly the same thing with one of my dogs nearly 15 years ago. I’d left her at the vet’s to be kept in overnight, and the next morning, just like you, I got that phone call… she’d passed away. Beyond the sheer sadness of losing her, you end up feeling so much guilt for not being there, for not having the chance to say goodbye properly… I remember that feeling so well, and reading your post brought it all back instantly. It makes the grieving process even harder, I think. I chose to have her ashes returned to me—it was a way of keeping her close to us. Your cat was a grand old age; 18 years is an incredible life journey and a real partnership to have had with her. Your grief is completely understandable. She had a wonderful life thanks to you. Try to focus on all the happy memories you shared; only time can truly ease that sense of sadness and emptiness. My thoughts are with you.
    Translated from French
    U
    Ukraine Icon representing the flag French
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    Hi everyone, I’m really struggling to cope with the guilt and sadness that has overwhelmed me since losing my beloved girl... she was 18 years and a few days old. She’d been hospitalised back in July for kidney failure; she’d been doing better, but on Saturday I noticed she wasn’t quite right, she was just exhausted... First thing Monday morning, I took her back to the vet to be hospitalised. I dropped her off between appointments so they could get her on a drip straight away. That afternoon, the vet explained that her kidneys were fine but she had an infection, though they weren't sure of the details. He told me she’d be started on antibiotics and that she should be okay. I was supposed to go and see her on Tuesday morning and pick her up on Wednesday. The following morning at 9.34 am, the vet called me to say her condition had improved and that she’d eaten—but she’d eaten so much that she’d aspirated her food and passed away! I thought my heart was going to break... Now I feel so guilty for not going to see her that afternoon; the vet is a 30-minute drive away and since he wasn’t worried about her, I didn't go... I just left her in her carrier with one last cuddle and that was it... I was so upset about having to leave her at the vet's that I rushed off... Now it’s all over, I’ll never see her again and I miss her terribly.
    Translated from French
    U
    Ukraine Icon representing the flag French
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    Hi everyone, I’m really struggling to cope with the guilt and sadness that has overwhelmed me since losing my beloved girl... she was 18 years and a few days old. She’d been hospitalised back in July for kidney failure; she’d been doing better, but on Saturday I noticed she wasn’t quite right, she was just exhausted... First thing Monday morning, I took her back to the vet to be hospitalised. I dropped her off between appointments so they could get her on a drip straight away. That afternoon, the vet explained that her kidneys were fine but she had an infection, though they weren't sure of the details. He told me she’d be started on antibiotics and that she should be okay. I was supposed to go and see her on Tuesday morning and pick her up on Wednesday. The following morning at 9.34 am, the vet called me to say her condition had improved and that she’d eaten—but she’d eaten so much that she’d aspirated her food and passed away! I thought my heart was going to break... Now I feel so guilty for not going to see her that afternoon; the vet is a 30-minute drive away and since he wasn’t worried about her, I didn't go... I just left her in her carrier with one last cuddle and that was it... I was so upset about having to leave her at the vet's that I rushed off... Now it’s all over, I’ll never see her again and I miss her terribly.
    Translated from French

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