I can't get over the loss of my cat

B
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Hello,

My 8-year-old cat passed away 6 weeks ago and I just can't seem to get over it. I’m still crying every day, spending so much time dwelling on my guilt. Even though I know you can't change the past, I’m constantly playing out scenarios in my head that might have saved him.

I’ve had him since he was a tiny kitten, and he was the first and only cat I’ve ever adopted myself. Throughout his life, he had one health issue after another and so many accidents that he spent more time at the vet’s than all my parents’ cats put together.

Then, 3 years ago, I took him to the vet because he’d lost a lot of weight. She did a blood test and diagnosed him with autoimmune haemolytic anaemia and put him on steroids. The treatment was a success; he put the weight back on quickly and was back to his old self. However, he relapsed as soon as we tried to stop the steroids, so we kept him on the treatment.

Aware of the dangers of long-term steroid use, we still tried to taper the dose down as much as possible, and life went on for 3 years. We took him for his boosters at the vet every year, and since she didn't do any specific check-ups, I didn't really think twice about it.

This summer, the day before we were due to go away on holiday, I noticed he was going to the toilet very often, or maybe he was constipated—I wasn't sure. I mentioned it to the vet, who asked me to get a urine sample and gave me an appointment for the next day. We pushed back our holiday by two days and I took him in. According to the tests, he had a UTI with blood and crystals in his urine, and his bladder was badly swollen. When they weighed him, I noticed he was skin and bone, and I started blaming myself for not noticing earlier. The vet gave him an anti-inflammatory jab, one for pain relief, and another one for something else I can't recall. She prescribed an anti-spasmodic, his steroids (increasing the dose), and some prescription food to dissolve the crystals.

I kept my cat with me until the following evening, making sure he ate. I didn't see any improvement, but I told myself it would take time for the meds to kick in. Then I left him with the friends who usually look after him, as originally planned, with his medication and special food.

I was checking in regularly and apparently, he was eating, drinking, and still urinating very frequently in tiny amounts. I was a bit worried but didn't do anything.

But after a week, my friend took him to the emergency vet (my local vet apparently couldn't fit him in) because he couldn't get up anymore.

There, they found a stone (calcium oxalate, so it couldn't be dissolved) blocking his urethra, which they had to push back into the bladder. My cat was in a comatose state. They asked me if they should try everything, and I said yes. They tried to stabilise him, put him on a catheter and a drip.

Translated from French
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47 answers
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    • L
    Lilie_12_12 Icon representing the flag French
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    Hello everyone,

    I took Smarties in when he was just 3 weeks old and in a terrible state. He was poorly, with severe cat flu, his eyes were matted shut, and he was incredibly filthy. A lady had found him and brought him to the RSPCA where I volunteer. The staff at the shelter didn't have the time to look after him properly (treatments, bottle feeding, etc.), so I took him home to nurse him back to health.

    Actually, my husband wasn't exactly thrilled at the time and it led to a few rows between us.

    He was a little fighter, but no one knew if he’d pull through.

    With daily care and lots of love, he turned into a gorgeous cat. Everyone at home became so attached to him, and he and I had such an inseparable bond that I just couldn't put him up for adoption, so I ended up adopting him myself.

    I already had two cats and a dog, and everything was going well even with them.

    Three weeks ago, my mum came to visit. I hadn't seen her in ages, so the kids and I were delighted to see her. My cats are indoor-only; I’m far too scared of the dangers outside (cars, poisoning, etc.) and I truly thought my little world was safe inside.

    A few days after my mum arrived, we all tested positive for Covid, so we were stuck in lockdown at home and my husband was working from home.

    One morning after getting up, my mum folded away the sofa bed without thinking. My Smarties was underneath; the vet said he would have died instantly. Apparently, there was no way out for him. I feel so guilty—the night before I’d folded the sofa myself and I hadn't checked either...

    I searched for him all day and I was devastated. I thought he was sleeping in the bedroom (where my husband was working), then I thought maybe he’d managed to slip out when I went to get the post. I looked everywhere and I only found him that evening when I unfolded the sofa. He was dead. I relive that scene every night; I can't sleep properly anymore and I'm constantly in tears.

    My children are struggling too; they either cry quietly or are making themselves ill (constipation, nightmares...) so they don't add to my grief.

    I blame myself so much. He was only 6 months old. I keep thinking that if I’d let someone else adopt him, he’d still be alive. Those five months with him meant the world to me—he was "my baby". He was always with me, he slept with me, and every night I’d fall asleep to the sound of his purring.

    I miss him so much. Everyone keeps telling me "it was a tragic accident", but I was supposed to protect him. He was my mission, my whole life.

    🤧

    Translated from French
    D
    Dee7 Icon representing the flag French
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    Evening all,

    I just wanted to share my story. I "lost" my first cat, Mel, back in the summer of 1997... my mum decided to give her away while I was away at university in another part of the country. I’d had Mel since 1989. Even though I came home every fortnight, it only took a few weeks of me being away for my mum to snap; I think she was just fed up with "looking after" her, amongst other things. I was in tears when I got back from being away and realised my little Mel was gone. And my mum told me that if I went to get her back, she’d just "throw her out" on the street... what an awful dilemma! Yes, I could have found out where she was, but I did nothing to get her back.

    But how on earth did I manage to live without her?!

    How did I go through all those years (from 1997 to 2009) without even trying to see her again, just to make sure she was alright?!

    It seems that to "protect myself" from the sadness and the heartache, I went into "denial" – basically, my brain convinced itself that my little Mel was no longer with us...

    And then, something clicked...

    In the spring of 2009, a colleague brought a kitten (Gus) into the office and almost forced him on me... I’ll admit I struggled at first; he wasn't Mel, and poor little Gus suffered for it, which I really regret now.

    Until one night in the summer of 2009, I had a dream about Mel. I even felt her walking across my bed. I woke up sobbing, realising I’d abandoned her and hadn't fought for her. It's the one and only regret of my life.

    There isn't a day that goes by where I don't think about my little Mel, and nearly 25 years later, I still cry for her... she was so beautiful, gentle, affectionate, and quiet – an absolute sweetheart of a cat... how could I have hurt her like that?

    I should have stood up to my mum! I should have protected my lovely cat! I don't know what happened to her or how she died, and not knowing is so painful. I regret it so much!

    Gus is still with me today, along with Fifi, who I adopted in 2015, and little Gigi, adopted in 2020 – all "rescues" from the streets... I love all three of them, but they’ll never be Mel, and it’ll never be the same as it was with her... One thing is for sure though: my three cats are the apple of my eye, and for as long as I’m alive, I’ll protect them and give them all my love!

    Translated from French
    Meleinalem
    Meleinalem Icon representing the flag French
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    Hi everyone, I see that others are also grieving the loss of their cats. Just like me. I found my girl dead on Tuesday evening, even though she had no known health issues and was in perfect health (no symptoms, no weight loss or loss of appetite). We thought she had a few years left yet. It was so sudden. My heart is in pieces. And yet, she lived a long life and was always healthy. But I miss her so much. I haven't been able to think of anything else for five days now. I haven't really managed to get any work done. I’m just a shadow of my former self. Every time I wake up, the memory of her passing hits me again, and the pain and heartache come flooding back. I was so attached to her... I probably drove my friends and family mad because I talked about her constantly. Several times a week, I’d send photos to my family and my boyfriend of her in every little position I thought was cute (which was basically every pose she ever struck—I was just completely smitten by how adorable she was). She was the sweetest cat in the world, so cuddly and affectionate, always glued to my side... Finding her like that was such a shock. Sometimes I feel like crying out for help because the pain is so relentless. I see people on here sharing their grief even months later. I don't know how I'm going to get over it, even though I know she was lucky not to have suffered. She’s left such a massive hole in my life...
    Translated from French
    Yume
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    Hello, we don't all experience the loss of a pet in the same way. It’s harder for some than others, and when you add guilt into the mix, it makes things even tougher (and I’m speaking from experience, as I’ve mentioned in several posts). As for your situation, even though I understand how you feel, I don't think you have any real reason to be so hard on yourself. Many people aren't able to stay with their cat when the end comes. Personally, I stayed, and when I think of my old girl, even though it was years ago, the first images that come to mind are always of her after she’d passed away and not before; sometimes I actually regret staying. We all have moments where our cats, our partners (well, I don’t have one), or our parents wind us up, rightly or wrongly, and we think or say things we don’t really mean. It’s more a way of letting off steam or frustration, or avoiding difficult situations. The kittens you are adopting will never replace your cat, but you need to give yourself a chance to appreciate them for different reasons. It took me over 10 years to adopt another cat after my girl died, because I spent years living with that guilt and grief. Now, I regret waiting so long. Loving my new cat doesn't mean I don’t think about my old one anymore or that I’ve betrayed her. I’ve tried to learn from my mistakes, to make sure that the loss of my previous cat has made me a better owner. Please don’t take this the wrong way, but I think you should see someone—maybe your GP or a counsellor. You’re young and it can be dangerous to have thoughts like yours; the death of your cat might have exacerbated a struggle that was already there. In any case, even if the sadness remains, the pain does eventually fade and you still have so many wonderful things to experience. Hang in there.
    Translated from French
    H
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    Hi everyone, I lost my cat on 24th November, the day after my birthday. I’d had him since I was a little girl and he was my whole world. Now that he’s gone, I feel such a massive void inside; I feel like I’ve got no reason to go on. I miss him so much. I cry every night thinking about him, every time I see photos of him. He had a tumour that had shrunk, but then it came back. I feel so incredibly guilty for not being there when he passed away; I was just too weak. My goodbyes were rushed and I hate myself for not doing more. I knew it was coming and I didn't want to have time to process it, or for him to realise what was happening. When my mum shut the door with him in his carrier, I just collapsed on the floor and cried so hard I was almost screaming in pain because I knew what was about to happen. Watching my mum put him in the car, I already regretted refusing to be there just because I didn't want people to see me cry. But as the days go by, I regret it from the bottom of my soul. I wish I’d been there to hold him right until the end. I just feel empty now. Shortly after, the silence was too much and I had such a huge hole to fill that we got a kitten. I always saw my cat as a person rather than an animal, which is why I was so attached to him. At first, I couldn't see this kitten that way. When I looked at him, I couldn't really love him without seeing him as an imposter, and I’m still struggling with that today. I thought it would fill the void, but it hasn't... We also decided to adopt his brother as well. When I’m not thinking about Moustache (my first cat), I’m okay, but in the evenings especially, I hate them for not being him. I can't wrap my head around the fact I'll never see him again. What’s destroying me the most is that when I look at photos now, I just see him as an animal... I’m starting to forget his face, his purr, and I can't remember his smell anymore. I wish I had more to remember him by. I miss all my clothes being covered in his black fur, and I’d give anything to have kept even the tiniest keepsake. I'm in a lot of pain today and I can't accept that he's never coming back, that I'll never hear him purring again. I’m haunted by memories—getting up in the night because he’d been sick again, the moment I realised he’d lost weight, the times I said I didn't care if he died, that it was nothing... I'm nothing now. I hope to be with him again soon so I can hold him tight and tell him I'm sorry, smell him again and cover him in cuddles and kisses. The hardest thing to accept is that he’s gone and I’ll never see him ever again.
    Translated from French
    Werewolf1
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    Hi,

    I noticed your post is from two years ago... Have things improved since then?...

    Translated from French
    Emmanuel
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    Hi everyone,

    I lost my sweet girl Gaïa almost a month ago to a stomach tumour at the age of 10. I’m absolutely heartbroken and I miss her so much; these are the saddest times in life, losing the ones we love and who love us back. I’ll love you forever, my little Gaïa 💖💖💖

    Sending strength to you all.

    Translated from French
    V
    Valb2659 Icon representing the flag French
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    Reading your posts makes me feel a bit less alone... I lost my little bundle of love two days ago. She was nine and a half and she was my absolute everything. She was also a rescue, and we were so close that she felt like an extension of myself. She passed away so suddenly, without any warning signs (at least, none that I saw). I found her that evening when I got back from work, lying under my bed; it was already too late. I was lucky enough to be able to say a proper goodbye by burying her in my garden. But I so wish I could have been there to comfort her and tell her how much I loved her as she took her last breath – even if I couldn't save her, I just wanted to be there for her, the way she was always there for me all those years. It was Hakao and me, me and Hakao; we were a team, and her passing has left a massive hole in my life. This is just a short post, a final little tribute, in the hope that she’s at peace now, wherever she may be. I’m posting this here to support all of you, and to share my grief as well as yours.
    Translated from French
    K
    Kelinda Icon representing the flag French
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    Stay strong, we’ve all been through it. You have to try and focus on the lovely times you shared and remind yourself that they had a happy life (always far too short) and that they’ll stay in your thoughts forever. Perhaps putting a photo of them on the wall might help; over time, it does get easier to accept. Hang in there.
    Translated from French
    Fabienne16
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    It’s been 6 months since my Princess passed away and 4 months since my Poupouce left us. They were the cats of my life and I just can’t seem to move on. The tears just start falling on their own no matter where I am :'( what can I do?
    Translated from French

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