Help: My cat is making my life an absolute nightmare

Paomow

15/07/2021, 21:06

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Hello everyone,

This is an SOS from a desperate woman. Sorry for the wall of text.

I've had cats my whole life. My two previous girls both lived to 21. It's now been 4 years since I adopted my little girl at 8 months old. At the time, I was living in a large flat with no outdoor access, together with my long-term partner. This cat spent the first 4 months of her life as a feral, then went into foster care, and passed through 4 different foster homes in the space of a few weeks before we adopted her.

She's an absolute sweetheart — at least with the two of us. She's hostile, even quite aggressive, around strangers, but with us she's a total velcro cat, and I adore her. But... she's had behavioural problems from the very start that have been making my life a misery...

When we first adopted her, she'd go absolutely mental at night: she'd yowl constantly — not just meow, proper screaming — managed to actually scratch a HOLE in a wall because we wouldn't let her into the bedroom, would literally hurl herself at doors after clawing them to pieces, and wee'd everywhere. After all that, thinking it was loneliness, we got her a little brother. It took her a few weeks to accept him, but they quickly became great pals.

Her behaviour did settle down, though she'd still occasionally wee in random places. It wasn't all that frequent, to be fair.

We moved after a few months. She started weeing a lot more. Thinking the move had unsettled her, we got Feliway diffusers and sprays, and gave her Zylkene on the vet's recommendation... but things just got worse and worse. She was weeing several times a day EVERYWHERE except the litter tray. Things were already going downhill with my partner — we were arguing a lot about all sorts of things, but the cat kept coming up every time: we no longer felt at home in our own place, and we hadn't had a proper night's sleep in two years. After 10 years together, we eventually split up.

I ended up in a studio flat of around 320 sq ft with my two cats, having lost the love of my life, and from that point my life became an absolute nightmare. With so little space, and doing my best to get by on a modest salary while still trying to keep my cats happy, she started doing what I'd dreaded most: weeing on the sofa — she even weed on me while I was asleep in bed. For a year and a half, I couldn't have anyone over, not even my parents. Everyone looked at me oddly, I was mortified and at the end of my tether. It was a really dark time for me, and it certainly wasn't helping matters. I ended up on antidepressants.

(Continued in the next post)

Translated from French

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Paomow

16/07/2021, 01:05

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Hi everyone, Wow, thanks for your messages! It feels so good not to feel judged and to actually be understood instead. Luckily, both my cats are neutered, vaccinated, and microchipped. The only issue is that Minette is still registered in the rescue’s name... I only found out recently because my vet told me, “Just a heads up, it looks like they haven't updated the records, you should get in touch with them.” I did call them and they said they’d get back to me by email, but I’ve heard nothing despite chasing them up a few times... Unfortunately, I’m in a rental, so I can’t install a cat flap. I have a small window overlooking the garden that I can leave open with the shutters down, just enough to leave a gap for her to get through. I don't live in a particularly “dodgy” village, but it only takes one time... so I can’t leave it open constantly. I’m also worried she’ll start getting into mischief again when I’m out if she doesn't feel free to come and go as she pleases. I live in the village centre and there is a fair bit of traffic. But I think I’m probably being a bit too anxious about letting them out (plus, when the rescue did a home visit at my old flat, they were really strict about balcony safety and not letting cats out at all, which hasn't helped!). After all, my previous cats spent about 80% of their time outdoors. Mind you, that was an even smaller village with less traffic, but still... Honestly, if you have any tips on how to get cats used to going outside and making sure they come back, I’m all ears. Because beyond my own anxiety, I know I can’t deprive a cat of its freedom to roam! Thanks in advance.

Translated from French

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Blue_cat

15/07/2021, 22:27

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Hi,

I assume she’s been spayed? Because if not, that’s obviously the first thing that needs doing.

The situation you’re describing isn’t sustainable, neither for her nor for you. You can only do so much.

Is there any way you could install a cat flap? I think you have to take the risk and let her stay outside as much as she wants, with the option to come back in whenever she likes. What will be will be, and it might all turn out perfectly fine. Of course, she needs to be microchipped in your name, vaccinated, and SPAYED! (The same goes for the little male, by the way, whether he goes out or not.)

Regarding her brother and their bond, I’m not convinced he’d be that miserable seeing less of her. We often project our own ideas onto how attached cats actually are to each other. Besides, you’ll be less stressed and more able to focus on him if she’s spending a good chunk of her life outdoors.

She’s struggling emotionally, and you are too. Take the leap and completely overhaul her lifestyle. It’s possible that once she realises she can come and go exactly as she pleases, she’ll become much more pleasant and stop having accidents indoors.

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Kikaah

15/07/2021, 21:45

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Is there any way you can secure the garden? It might do her good to have a bit of greenery, and you’d be able to let her out there without worrying ^^

She’s not used to going out, so she’s at much higher risk of getting run over than the local cats who have been going out all their lives.

Translated from French

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Paomow

15/07/2021, 21:07

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A twist of fate saved me: a total dream of a flat. About 800 square feet for practically the same price, and a little garden. The only snag was that I had to leave the city and move to the middle of nowhere in a tiny village; I wasn't exactly thrilled about it. But I put the cats first and thought it might solve a lot of our issues. TWO MONTHS without any cat pee—I was over the moon. Everything was going so well. Until one day, I opened the window and Minette bolted, jumped out and headed straight for the garden... well, seeing how happy she was discovering the outside world, I let her get on with it, under supervision. The problem is, she kept trying to get out of the garden, and there’s a road right next to us. I’m really anxious about it; I reckon if she gets out, she won’t come back. I feel like I have to watch her constantly, as well as her little brother (who’s an absolutely stunning pedigree cat and could easily be stolen!). Minette will NOT stop howling to go out, and probably because she’s frustrated about not being allowed out whenever she wants, she’s... started peeing again, obviously! A brand-new sofa is now ready for the tip. And here we go again, I can't have anyone over. I had two months of peace and quiet. It’s over. The nightmare is starting all over again. As soon as I walk through the door, the smell of urine is overpowering. I’m cleaning everything with vinegar, I’ve used odour eliminators, Tiger Balm, bicarb, lemon essential oils, the lot. NOTHING WORKS. Just so you know: her little brother has never once had an accident outside the tray, even before he was neutered. They have four litter trays and I keep them spotless. I’ve seen five different vets who all tell me the same thing: Zylkène, Anxitane, Feliway, catnip spray, Bach Flower Remedies, and that she'll grow out of it. It's been four years now. Nothing. I’ve spent over £500 at the vet's, tried every possible treatment you can imagine, but nothing works. She howls, she pees constantly, and she even did something brand new: she did a poo on the floor just because I ignored her for an hour while she was screaming to go out. I’m at my wit’s end, I just can't cope anymore. I love her but I can’t stand her right now. I don’t want to give her up because she’s my responsibility. But sometimes I think she’d be better off living with someone in the proper countryside. But my two cats are inseparable: the little one is good as gold and a total sweetheart, he couldn’t cope being away from his sister and I couldn't bear to lose him. I also think about just letting her get on with it and roam outside, but I’d be terrified of her or her brother getting run over, stolen, or getting lost... But all the neighbourhood cats roam free, so maybe I’m being overprotective? I honestly don't know what to do ANYMORE. Have any of you been through this? Please don't judge me... Thanks in advance for any advice or for sharing your experiences.

Translated from French

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