Help: My cat is making my life an absolute nightmare

P
Paomow Icon representing the flag French
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Hello everyone,

This is an SOS from a desperate woman. Sorry for the wall of text.

I've had cats my whole life. My two previous girls both lived to 21. It's now been 4 years since I adopted my little girl at 8 months old. At the time, I was living in a large flat with no outdoor access, together with my long-term partner. This cat spent the first 4 months of her life as a feral, then went into foster care, and passed through 4 different foster homes in the space of a few weeks before we adopted her.

She's an absolute sweetheart — at least with the two of us. She's hostile, even quite aggressive, around strangers, but with us she's a total velcro cat, and I adore her. But... she's had behavioural problems from the very start that have been making my life a misery...

When we first adopted her, she'd go absolutely mental at night: she'd yowl constantly — not just meow, proper screaming — managed to actually scratch a HOLE in a wall because we wouldn't let her into the bedroom, would literally hurl herself at doors after clawing them to pieces, and wee'd everywhere. After all that, thinking it was loneliness, we got her a little brother. It took her a few weeks to accept him, but they quickly became great pals.

Her behaviour did settle down, though she'd still occasionally wee in random places. It wasn't all that frequent, to be fair.

We moved after a few months. She started weeing a lot more. Thinking the move had unsettled her, we got Feliway diffusers and sprays, and gave her Zylkene on the vet's recommendation... but things just got worse and worse. She was weeing several times a day EVERYWHERE except the litter tray. Things were already going downhill with my partner — we were arguing a lot about all sorts of things, but the cat kept coming up every time: we no longer felt at home in our own place, and we hadn't had a proper night's sleep in two years. After 10 years together, we eventually split up.

I ended up in a studio flat of around 320 sq ft with my two cats, having lost the love of my life, and from that point my life became an absolute nightmare. With so little space, and doing my best to get by on a modest salary while still trying to keep my cats happy, she started doing what I'd dreaded most: weeing on the sofa — she even weed on me while I was asleep in bed. For a year and a half, I couldn't have anyone over, not even my parents. Everyone looked at me oddly, I was mortified and at the end of my tether. It was a really dark time for me, and it certainly wasn't helping matters. I ended up on antidepressants.

(Continued in the next post)

Translated from French
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14 answers
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    • L
    Lisaf Icon representing the flag French
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    We don't let ours out all day as we're far too worried, but they get a good 2 to 3 hours in the morning and the same again in the evening, maybe even a bit longer.

    Mind you, it really depends on the individual cat's personality – I've got another one who's happy with just 30 minutes a day; he doesn't really like being outside for too long.

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    L
    Lisaf Icon representing the flag French
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    I’d also just add that you can get them into a routine. We let ours out in the morning and the evening, and otherwise they only have access to the garden with no way of getting out onto the road. It works really well like that; generally, once we close up, they understand that their time outside is finished.
    Translated from French
    L
    Lisaf Icon representing the flag French
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    Hi there, Every cat has a different personality, and since she was a feral cat, she’s bound to have that instinct in her. Our cat was the same; we rescued him as a stray when he was about 3 or 4 months old, and it would have been impossible to keep him cooped up. He was desperate to get out. At first, he’d just go on the roofs, then the garden, and now he’s out on the street, but he doesn’t wander off too far. We’ve got cars on our road too, but you don't really have much choice with these cats, and if she started out feral, she’ll likely know the dangers anyway. You could also try giving her some L-Lysine; it really helps relax them and makes them much more chilled out. It's great that things have settled down a bit!
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    ?
    Anonymous user Icon representing the flag French
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    Regarding any accidents on the bed, I also had a bit of a prob with my girl (health issues). I put a waterproof protector over the duvet – you can get really thin ones now that don't make any noise, unlike the ones from a few years back – with a normal sheet over it. The sheet absorbs the wee and the protector stops everything. A bit of bicarbonate of soda, white vinegar and a 90-degree wash, and it's clean with no more smell.
    Translated from French
    Blue_Cat
    Blue_cat Icon representing the flag French
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    Hi again, I’m not all that surprised about the window. Some cats are absolutely set on BEING ABLE to go out without actually going anywhere... They just sit by the opening (the door or window) and spend ages gazing outside without moving an inch. In fact, a cat just wants to "have the option", even if they don't actually use it – a bit like the right to vote (lol). (And you’re right, the reason I didn’t mention urinary issues is because you specifically said she’d already seen the vet several times.) Please keep us posted; it’s always helpful for everyone here on the forum to see how these situations develop.
    Translated from French
    P
    Paomow Icon representing the flag French
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    Hi everyone,

    Thanks so much for all your replies!

    I’m currently putting your advice into practice, and strangely, even with the window left open, Minette isn’t actually going out into the garden; she’s just sticking to the windowsill for now, but she seems happy enough with that at the moment! She’s been meowing much less over the last 24 hours and hasn't had any accidents outside her litter tray. We'll see how it goes...

    Regarding any potential health issues, I’ve seen plenty of vets because I was convinced something was wrong with her. I always ended up with a much lighter wallet and some herbal remedies meant to calm her down that actually just made her even more worked up! But according to them, there’s nothing physically wrong, it’s purely behavioural... they just told me to be patient.

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    ?
    Anonymous user Icon representing the flag French
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    Just a quick question about the accidents – have you checked that there isn't an underlying health issue?

    Urine marking is more of a male problem than a female one; females tend to wee where they feel safe, sometimes because they are in pain.

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    M
    Mike64 Icon representing the flag French
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    I’m of the same mind as @Blue Cat and @Ulalie. I live in a village with a garden, neighbours nearby, two quite busy roads and a little stream... My cats have always gone out, but you need to give them time to settle in (at least for the little one; your female cat might wander off a bit further more quickly). They’ll gradually expand their territory and get used to their surroundings, like the traffic and everything else. That said, it’s true that there’s no such thing as zero risk, and I’ve had a few mishaps myself (I’m nearly 68 and I’ve had plenty of cats over the years). But for them, it’s like a giant adventure playground, and it sounds like your cat is already used to the outdoor life anyway. Just so you know, I’ve installed a cat flap and my cat never does his business indoors; he always goes outside, unless he’s poorly of course, or maybe once a year in the depths of winter... In the winter, he comes in every night to sleep somewhere warm, and he does the same when it’s raining on cold days.
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    N
    Natalino Icon representing the flag French
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    You can't help it if they’re a "wild" cat. Anyway, in my view, you've handled things admirably.

    I can't promise anything, as every cat is different, but when it comes to going outside, mine (who goes out under supervision and has a real outdoorsy nature) is much calmer and less tempted to wander off if she’s had some wet food she’s especially fond of. Half before, to stop her from hunting too far afield, and half after as a reward for coming back in. If you can manage to keep her in at night, you’ll avoid most of the risks. There’s also the option of a GPS collar (though I’ve never tried one with my 6.5lb girl...)

    Regarding the sofa and the urine, buy a lightweight settee with slim legs instead of a big heavy sofa, and a tarpaulin. When you’re heading out, tip the settee over and put the tarp over it. It only takes two minutes and, as it happens, it was the perfect solution for me.

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    ?
    Anonymous user Icon representing the flag French
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    I completely agree with what @Blue Cat said – just let her get on with her life and take the opportunity to bond with her little brother instead. Try to keep him indoors if possible, but in your case, you really need to let go; not only is it ruining your life, but it’s ruining the kitty’s too.
    Translated from French

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