Coping with the loss of my cat

P
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Hi everyone,

I’ve just found this forum and I’m here to share my story and maybe chat with others who are going through the same thing as me.

I’ve always been mad about animals since I was a little girl, but since my parents always refused to have a pet, I had to wait until I moved out to finally adopt a four-legged friend!

And then he arrived, back in 2003, as soon as I finished uni; I was 22 at the time. He was a three-month-old all-black kitten given to me for Christmas by my partner at the time; he’d been thrown from a car into a garden...

That first night he slept with me, I felt him sigh as if he knew he was finally in safe hands. I remember the overwhelming emotion I felt at having total responsibility for this little living thing, for his happiness and well-being...

And I did my absolute best (at least I hope I did!) every single day to make sure he was as happy as possible. We had 18 years together; we were so close and he loved me just as much in return... I didn’t think it was possible to have such a strong bond with a cat; I used to say he was a 'dog-cat' :)

But then his health suddenly took a turn for the worse about a month ago. I naively hoped he’d bounce back, like he always had before when he was poorly, but that wasn’t the case this time. He just went downhill; I could see he was miserable and in a bad way. I’d reached the point where I was hoping he’d pass away in his sleep at home, but unfortunately I had to make the hardest decision of my life and take him to the vet to end his suffering. It was a terrible moment...

Since then, I’ve felt this massive void, like a part of me has gone with him...

I’ve always adored animals and always said I couldn’t live without one, and that I’d get another once Forrest had gone, but now I’m just not sure...

I expect it’s just the grief talking, but beyond that, I tell myself I’ll never find that same bond again (which is only natural, every living being is different), and that I won’t be able to help looking for Forrest’s little quirks in a new companion...

And if I do eventually feel ready one day, I tell myself I definitely shouldn't get a cat that looks like him, or maybe I should even avoid getting a boy.

What do you think? For those of you who’ve been through this, did you go through this stage too?

Thanks in advance,

Mathilde

Translated from French
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    • N
    Natalino Icon representing the flag French
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    I think one way to get another cat without constantly comparing them to your old one is to adopt a young adult. The "rescue" factor takes priority over everything else and helps wipe away any guilt you might feel. You might not have that same "mummy" bond you had with your previous cat, but the relationship can be incredibly strong too.

    Ultimately, it’s completely normal to love our pets and to be heartbroken when they pass away... we go through the same stages of grief as we would for any other loss. You just have to keep reminding yourself that the pain will ease (though the memories won't) and you have to accept that. I also think you should never feel guilty: we don't forget the people we’ve loved, and it's the same for animals; the heartache always stays with us, even if it's tucked away deep down.

    I think there’s something really beautiful about being able to form such a selfless bond with another species, without expecting anything in return. It’s a bit of a saving grace for us.

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    P
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    Thank you all so much for your replies; they’ve been a huge help. It feels so good to be able to share how I’m feeling with people who actually understand. Thank you also for your advice and for sharing your own experiences—up until now, he was my one and only little companion...

    I knew it would be hard, but it’s even worse than I imagined. I truly feel like I lost a part of myself that day, and I’m sure that’s something you’ve all felt too...

    And yes, you’re all definitely right about adopting again in the future; I’m sure I will, especially since there are so many poor little furbabies in rescue centres and at the RSPCA just waiting for someone to come and give them a wonderful life!

    My heart is just aching too much at the moment to think about doing that, and I haven't quite found the courage yet to face the fact that one day I’d have to go through this trauma and heartbreak all over again...

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    Anonymous user Icon representing the flag French
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    Hi Mathilde,

    Yes, many of us have been through this terrible ordeal. For me, it’s been nine months and the grief is still deep, even if it’s no longer that awful, wrenching pain of those first few weeks. I think we all go through more or less the same process. I wanted to share my experience with you about getting another companion. Like you, at first, I didn’t want another cat; on one hand, I felt like I was betraying my Gary, and then I told myself I was too old and didn’t want to go through that suffering all over again. I’d had other cats that I’d mourned, but never like Gary; I had such an exceptional bond with him, and I used the exact same words as you. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I was crying all the time, and I was constantly thinking of him and everything that led to the end. My husband and children pretty much "forced" me to get a kitten two months later. He doesn’t look like him at all. I looked after him straight away, cuddled him, fed him—basically everything you do with a little bundle of fluff. At the start, I wasn't sure if I loved him; I felt a bit guilty around him, it was probably too soon. But then he was so affectionate, so funny, and so full of life that he gradually filled my days. Now, I’ve become deeply attached to him—perhaps too much, as I’m constantly worrying about him. I compare him to Gary but without any sadness or resentment. He’s helped me to keep going. I won’t lie, I still cry regularly and my heart aches when I think of Gary; in fact, writing this to you is making me quite emotional. Everyone has their own way of grieving, but don’t close the door on anything; when you feel the need, get another cat without any second thoughts.

    I wish you so much strength during such a difficult time.

    Nicole

    Translated from French
    Blue_Cat
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    Hi there, Oh yes, we really do understand your heartbreak. I still dream about my late little ones, years after they’ve gone. Your cat had a very long life with a human who loved him every single day. No cat could wish for a better life than that. As for adopting a new cat, here’s my take: you’re never going to find a carbon copy of Forrest, and that’s a good thing. Every cat is unique. Whether they look like him or not is secondary. Because every cat has their own personality, a new cat will leave their mark on you in a completely different way—it’ll be a new story, a blank canvas. That said, I truly believe that in every cat, you find a little piece of what you loved so much about those who have passed away. It’s like a universal feline soul, in a way. I can only encourage you to get another cat—the one that catches your eye, whether it’s a boy or a girl, black, white, or ginger, it doesn't matter. What matters is that 'spark' when you first see them. Hang in there; we’ve all been through this on this forum. Life slowly gets back on track, and I’ve no doubt you’ll make another lucky cat very happy.
    Translated from French
    M
    Mike64 Icon representing the flag French
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    Hi Mathilde, Oh yes, many of us on this forum have been through such a painful loss and know the weight of the decision to let a pet go. Being older than you, I’ve seen several of mine pass away. The most recent and significant for me was three months ago, when I lost both my old girl (my dog) and one of my cats within just six days. You gave your cat the final act of love you could possibly give—letting him go peacefully... It’s incredibly hard, of course, but a natural death can be quite traumatic too. Not to mention accidental deaths, which leave images that are so difficult to get out of your head... 18 years together is quite a journey of love; not everyone is so lucky. You gave him the very best... but yes, it’s so hard to move past. The absence is felt so keenly in the mornings, memories come flooding back (not always the good ones, either), and then there are the habits you have to try and break. We all go through this, and you have to try to focus on the happy times with him. Everyone reacts differently; some people make photo albums, others create little keepsakes... there are even websites where you can upload photos and tell his story, like online pet memorials. Take things at your own pace—everyone is different—but it’s true that a new arrival can help you move forward... when you feel the time is right. A new pet to love is never the same... even if it’s another male... he will be different, but he or she will also find a way to touch your heart and you’ll love them just as much. It’ll just be a different love story... I’m wishing you a lot of strength during this difficult time.
    Translated from French
    K
    Kelinda Icon representing the flag French
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    Hello, and I’m so sorry for what you’re going through right now.

    I think we all have to face this at some point. I was in the same boat as you with a cat I had for 15 years; he followed me everywhere and we were inseparable, which makes it all the harder to come to terms with.

    Now isn't the right time to think about getting a new pet; it’s more about trying to process everything and remembering that he’ll always be in your thoughts and that he had a wonderful life with you.

    It was just as tough for me – it took nearly ten years before I could get another one. I actually have a few now, and even though I know they’ll leave me one day, I try to accept it while still dreading it at the same time.

    As for not getting the same type of cat, I’d agree with that. I have one now who looks quite a lot like my old cat and, to be honest, it really does bring it all back.

    He had a long and happy life with you and couldn't have asked for a better home. All the best to you.

    Translated from French

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