Coping with the loss of my cat

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Hi everyone,

I’ve just found this forum and I’m here to share my story and maybe chat with others who are going through the same thing as me.

I’ve always been mad about animals since I was a little girl, but since my parents always refused to have a pet, I had to wait until I moved out to finally adopt a four-legged friend!

And then he arrived, back in 2003, as soon as I finished uni; I was 22 at the time. He was a three-month-old all-black kitten given to me for Christmas by my partner at the time; he’d been thrown from a car into a garden...

That first night he slept with me, I felt him sigh as if he knew he was finally in safe hands. I remember the overwhelming emotion I felt at having total responsibility for this little living thing, for his happiness and well-being...

And I did my absolute best (at least I hope I did!) every single day to make sure he was as happy as possible. We had 18 years together; we were so close and he loved me just as much in return... I didn’t think it was possible to have such a strong bond with a cat; I used to say he was a 'dog-cat' :)

But then his health suddenly took a turn for the worse about a month ago. I naively hoped he’d bounce back, like he always had before when he was poorly, but that wasn’t the case this time. He just went downhill; I could see he was miserable and in a bad way. I’d reached the point where I was hoping he’d pass away in his sleep at home, but unfortunately I had to make the hardest decision of my life and take him to the vet to end his suffering. It was a terrible moment...

Since then, I’ve felt this massive void, like a part of me has gone with him...

I’ve always adored animals and always said I couldn’t live without one, and that I’d get another once Forrest had gone, but now I’m just not sure...

I expect it’s just the grief talking, but beyond that, I tell myself I’ll never find that same bond again (which is only natural, every living being is different), and that I won’t be able to help looking for Forrest’s little quirks in a new companion...

And if I do eventually feel ready one day, I tell myself I definitely shouldn't get a cat that looks like him, or maybe I should even avoid getting a boy.

What do you think? For those of you who’ve been through this, did you go through this stage too?

Thanks in advance,

Mathilde

Translated from French
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16 answers
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    • F
    Firence Icon representing the flag French
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    Hi everyone, I’ve just lost Noé. He was violently attacked—we suspect someone hit him over the head with a stone—and I’m absolutely devastated. I managed to stand my ground and insist that I didn't want him put to sleep, though it wasn't easy. Noé passed away in my arms. Noé always gave us his all. Like all cats, he was a god. I will get another cat one day; he’ll have to come to me as a miracle, just like Noé did. I wish you, and everyone else who has lost their cat, the strength to carry on with dignity. Florence
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    Hi everyone,

    I spent 18 years with my little green-eyed tabby. I’d had her since she was a kitten, but then, overnight, her kidneys just gave out. She’d been struggling with kidney failure, arthritis, and retinal atrophy towards the end. I saw her suffering and unable to stand at about 5 am, so I rushed her to the vet. They told me her kidneys had completely failed and that the kindest thing was to let her go. I did it, even though the pain was unbearable. I kept talking to her until her heart stopped and gave her a kiss on her head. I’m absolutely devastated.

    It happened on the 28th of November 2024 at 9 am. So, yesterday, as I’m writing this on the 29th.

    I’m completely heartbroken, shattered, and in so much pain.

    We were inseparable because I live alone, but now the loneliness is just overwhelming. I’m at breaking point. It feels like a dagger to the heart. A part of me has died forever.

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    First off, you must have been a wonderful 'human' to him because not all cats live to be 18, so well done and thank you. Secondly, the decision you made was definitely the right one; your vet would have spoken up if they thought otherwise. At least, the ones I've known wouldn't have gone through with it without a good reason. It always leaves you with "what ifs", but personally, I once chose not to make the call and that left me with far more guilt and nightmares... As for the future, I’d suggest adopting another cat or a kitten as soon as you feel ready. Don't overthink the sex or the age; just look at their history if it's available. It’s often said that every child is their own person with their own personality, and cats are exactly the same. There's no reason to think you'll have more problems by adopting a male over a female, whether they are a kitten or an adult. I think a chapter has closed and you should look at what comes next as a new story beginning. Don't have any specific expectations for your future cat; just take them as they are. And I say this every time, but take plenty of photos as you go along—special ones, artistic ones, even the 'pointless' ones. You already know that in 12 to 20 years, your next cat will eventually pass away too, so take photos whenever the thought crosses your mind. Thank you for your message. I did indeed spoil him rotten, but I'm sure you all do the same with yours. I was also mostly just very lucky to have a cat who stayed in such good health for so long... And yes, you're right about the photos—I didn't take enough and I really regret that now. It's a hard chapter to close, but time is a healer, as always...
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    Anonymous user Icon representing the flag French
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    First of all, you must have been a wonderful "human" to them, as not all cats live to be 18, so well done and thank you for that.

    Secondly, the decision you made was definitely the right one; your vet would have spoken up if it wasn't. Certainly, none of the vets I know would have gone through with it for no reason.

    It always leaves you with questions, but I once chose not to make the call, and that left me with nightmares and far more guilt...

    Looking ahead, I’d recommend adopting another cat or a kitten as soon as you feel ready. Don’t overthink the sex or the age—just consider their background if you’re able to find it out, but that’s all.

    It’s not quite the same thing, but F. Dolto said over 30 years ago that a child is a person in their own right, meaning a unique individual personality.

    Cats are the same; they have their own personalities, and there’s no reason to think you’ll have more trouble—if there are any issues at all—by adopting a male over a female, whether they're young or old.

    I think a chapter has closed and you should see the next step as a new story beginning. Don’t have any set expectations for your future cat; just take them as they come.

    And I say this every time, but take photos as you go along—meaningful ones, "arty" ones, or even just pointless ones. You already know that in 12 to 20 years, your next cat will eventually leave you too, so take those photos whenever it crosses your mind.

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    Mike64 Icon representing the flag French
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    Yes Natalino, that's exactly what I was thinking... I'm not planning on getting another kitten; Forrest will always be my only "baby boy" as I always called him, even though he was nearly 20 lbs (almost 1 stone 6) and getting on in years. I’ll definitely adopt a young adult next time... especially as they’re harder to rehome than kittens. Ninouche31, that's exactly what I went through these last few weeks. The vet explained to me that cats are very tough and hold on until the very end; sadly they very rarely pass away the way we hope they will. When I took Forrest in, I think I’d already waited too long. His last two days were really hard, but for the vet, it was the right time. It’s a tough decision to make, but you really shouldn't wait for that "day too many" where you have to rush them to an out-of-hours vet, which makes the whole thing even more painful for everyone... For me, I knew it was time when I saw that Forrest didn't have any happy moments left. He wasn't eating anymore, he’d meow when he tried to go outside and couldn't move around like he wanted to, and he stopped purring even when I gave him his favourite scratches... We have pets to make them happy and comfortable, but when you see there’s not a shred of happiness or well-being left, then you know it’s the right decision. It doesn't make it any easier to make, but at least you don't have that doubt about whether it's the right thing anymore... As for me, I couldn't bring myself to call and make the appointment; a friend did it for me. Maybe that might help you too. Anyway, I'm sending you lots of strength. I felt the same way with one of my dogs, that feeling of having eked out two extra days... perhaps at the expense of my little Cheyenne... and you realise it afterwards and feel so guilty... but it's just so hard. The idea of having a friend there for support is definitely a very good one.
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    P
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    Yes Natalino, that’s exactly what I was thinking... I’m not planning on getting another kitten; Forrest will always be my only "baby cat" as I always called him, even though he was nearly 20lbs and getting on in years. I’ll definitely adopt a young adult... especially since they’re often overlooked compared to kittens when it comes to adoption... Ninouche31, that’s exactly what I’ve been through these last few weeks. The vet explained to me that cats are very resilient and tend to tough it out until the very end, and that unfortunately, they very rarely pass away peacefully in the way we hope they will. When I finally took Forrest in, I think I’d already waited a bit too long. His last two days were really difficult, but as far as the vet was concerned, it was time. It’s such a hard decision to make, but you really shouldn’t wait for that "day too many" where you end up having to take them to the emergency vet, which makes the whole experience even more heart-breaking for everyone... For me, I knew it was time when I realised Forrest didn’t have any moments left where he seemed happy. He’d stopped eating, he’d cry when he tried to go out in the garden, and he couldn’t get around properly anymore. He didn't even purr when I gave him his favourite scratches... We have pets to make them happy and keep them well, but when you see there isn’t an ounce of joy or quality of life left, that’s when you know it’s the right decision. It doesn’t make it any less difficult to do, but at least you don’t have that nagging doubt about whether it’s the right thing... I personally couldn't bring myself to call and make the appointment, so a friend did it for me; perhaps that’s something that might help you too. Anyway, I’m sending you lots of strength.
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    Anonymous user Icon representing the flag French
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    Like many others, I’ve had to say goodbye to many of my pets over the years, but it’s just the way of things, especially when they’ve had such a long and happy life as yours did. You have to hold onto the good times and remind yourself how lucky he was to find his forever home, that he was incredibly happy, and that there’s only so much anyone can do. At that age, there are no miracles, unfortunately, and it’s always absolutely heartbreaking when they leave us. Whenever I lose one, my world falls apart, despite all the others, because every cat is unique. If you do decide to get another one, I’d suggest avoiding the same colour; we always tend to compare them and look for the old one in the new one. Although sometimes it can be a comfort—I currently have a cat who is a real mix of two of my previous cats and, in a way, it does me good. But usually, it's better to get one that looks different; it’s less painful because you don’t dwell on the loss as much. Getting a new cat isn't about forgetting the one you lost—far from it. For me, it’s a way of acknowledging and paying tribute to the love the previous one gave us, but everyone feels differently about these things. Sending you strength; these are dark times, but time is a great healer and eventually, you’ll only be left with the happy memories.
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    Anonymous user Icon representing the flag French
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    I completely understand your heartbreak. I’ve had my Ninouche for 17 years now. Unfortunately, she’s become so thin; she isn't eating anymore, she's barely drinking, and she can't seem to find a comfortable position to sleep in. I keep hoping she might pass away peacefully in her sleep, but she hangs on every day. Seeing her suffer like this is so hard, and I’m suffering right along with her. I know I’m going to have to make 'The Decision' and I just can't stop crying. I keep telling myself 'not today, maybe tomorrow', but she's in pain. I’m still desperately hoping for some kind of miracle cure.
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    Anonymous user Icon representing the flag French
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    Hi there,

    Please don’t blame yourself for having Forest put to sleep. When a cat is suffering and there are truly no other options left, it will always be an act of love; you absolutely made the right decision.

    Don’t hesitate to get a new companion to fill the void. It can really bring back that special joy of having a kitty in your life again.

    As Blue Cat mentioned, every cat is a unique soul with its own personality.

    We all feel so lost when they leave us, so making a fresh start with a new cat can be very healing.

    Sending you lots of strength.

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    Anonymous user Icon representing the flag French
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    I’m so sorry, Mathilde, for what you’re going through. I know exactly how you feel; it felt like losing my own daughter when I had to have Layla put to sleep. It was so hard for me – she was a beautiful little black cat, and so tiny, she only weighed 6 lbs. She was 14 years old, so sweet, affectionate, and very sociable – she just loved people. I didn't want to get another kitten after that, but then a year later I finally did. She’s a year old now and she’s very different from Layla, but Rubis has her own lovely qualities. I’m all set for another fifteen years now! Sending you lots of strength, you definitely did the right thing for him. Chantal
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