Getting a new dog after losing another

Thanks @RainyT for your reply (Picco85, I think you were actually replying to the original post from a few months back). I’m going to take your very sensible advice. I just regret my reaction, which I hope is only temporary, especially since the dog seems to be full of great qualities. He’s got good recall, he’s affectionate, he doesn’t steal food, he’s obedient... It’s just that, physically, we haven’t really clicked (at least not as much as with the other half-dog/half-fox one!). I fully admit that’s superficial. I realise I need to come to terms with losing this dog who only "belonged" to me for three weeks. Actually, we didn’t do the transfer of ownership on the day I collected him because she made some excuse about insurance and vet bills not being fully settled to delay the paperwork. There was probably some truth to it, but she was also using it as an excuse to drag her feet, and I didn’t want to rub her the wrong way, of course. Anyway, I’ve still got to process it all...

Evening everyone, I’m bumping this thread from a few months ago; I’m not sure if anyone will actually see this... I’ve found myself in a very similar situation. After the death of my 14-year-old Beagle cross (who died within 24 hours from a pancreatic tumour), which obviously hit me very hard, I was surprised by how quickly I started looking for a new companion for myself and my family (we have three children between 5 and 10). This time, I was looking to adopt an adult dog, more of a sheepdog type, something a bit more "velcro". I didn’t find the right fit at the local rescue, but an ad on a classifieds site caught my eye, and when we first met him, it was love at first sight! He was a gorgeous mixed breed just over a year old, much bigger than my Beagle but calm and quiet... and he reminded me of the Collie I had as a child. His owner, who lived in a flat with her 8-year-old son and had recently started working in catering, realised the dog wasn’t happy in a flat anymore. He was showing signs of boredom and taking it out on her plants and shoes... In short, we ticked every box she was looking for: a house, a garden, someone home often, plenty of walks, etc., and she decided to let us have him! On the day he was due to leave, the owner was very upset at the thought of giving up her "baby," but she kept the dog’s happiness in mind and handed him over anyway. However, a few hours later (in the middle of the night), she did a total U-turn and asked for him back, saying she hadn't realised it would be so hard. Then, by morning, the voice of reason won out and she changed her mind again. Basically, over the course of the weekend, she kept going back and forth—yes/no/yes/no—which put a real strain on everyone’s nerves and took the shine off the arrival of this wonderful dog. Then, we heard nothing for three weeks; we had a brilliant three weeks with this dog, who settled in incredibly quickly and well. There were a few bits of training to brush up on, but nothing major, and he seemed to be a really fast learner... Unfortunately, after three weeks, she contacted me again to say she was coming to get him. It was with great sadness and a lot of tension that I "accepted." To try and move on quickly, I went back onto the classifieds to find another dog, now that I knew exactly what qualities (tested and approved!) I was looking for. A week later, I went to pick up another dog: a 10-month-old Border Collie cross whose owner was rehoming him because he kept running off when he was with their other dog. And now, I have to admit that the one struggling most to adapt is me! The dog is exactly as described: affectionate, kind, gentle, has a good recall, and is a bit timid but starting to find his feet. He’s slower than his predecessor and quite scared of my youngest son, but again, nothing mean-spirited. I know it takes adult dogs a few weeks to settle into a new home... but I’m the first to be surprised by the emotion that’s overwhelming me. When I walk him, all I see is "what he isn't" (he’s not playful, doesn’t have the same physical presence or build), even though their temperaments are actually quite similar. Since he arrived, I’ve been thinking even more about the dog before him, even though he stayed for only three short weeks! I miss him much more than I thought I would, and I’m terrified I won’t manage to bond with this poor little dog who hasn’t done anything wrong. I can’t seem to get past it. I’m writing this very early on, as he’s only been with us for 24 hours... I imagine time will do its thing, but it’s such a disappointment that it’s going this way. I also feel incredibly guilty towards my children, who just want to love him... So, that was a bit of a wall of text, but at least it’s helped me vent some of this anxiety. Yes, I’ve ended up feeling foolishly anxious, lost my appetite, the whole works... Thanks to anyone who read this far, and has anyone else been through something similar? *** What that woman did to you was absolutely appalling—to you and to that dog, whom she’s ultimately keeping for quite selfish reasons. It shows a real weakness of character on her part. I’m not sure how it works with those ads, but I imagine there was no contract and the dog’s microchip wasn't in your name yet. Anyway, I’m so sorry; there’s no point dwelling on it now, but I’m outraged just reading about it. I’m the original poster of this thread and I can tell you how my story continued. Lucky was renamed Jazz. I still get tears in my eyes when I think about my other dog, but Jazz has found his place. It hasn't even been a year yet, but it feels like he’s always been here. I’d say the best way to get over your anxiety is to build a bond with your new dog: go for walks, play, teach him tricks. He’s a Border Collie; he’ll love the mental stimulation. Besides, 24 hours is such a short time; he’s just gone through a massive upheaval and doesn’t necessarily realise he’s found his "forever home" yet. Give it time and be kind to yourself and the dog. For me, it took a month or two, but I was very resistant to it and I was on my own. You have your children, and I think doing activities all together will help. You just have to stick it out a bit at the start. I thought about giving up on Jazz several times, but when I see the place he’s already made for himself in my life, that idea suddenly seems absurd.

Evening all, I’m bumping this old thread from a few months back; I’m not sure if anyone will even see this... I’ve found myself in a bit of a similar situation. After my 14-year-old Beagle cross passed away (it happened within 24 hours due to a pancreatic tumour), I was obviously devastated. To my surprise, I found myself quickly looking for a new companion for myself and my family (we have three children between 5 and 10). This time, I was looking to adopt an adult dog, more of a sheepdog type—one that’s a bit more ‘people-oriented’. I didn’t have much luck finding ‘the one’ at the local rescue centres, but an ad on Gumtree caught my eye, and when we first met, it was love at first sight! He was a gorgeous mongrel, just over a year old, much bigger than my Beagle but calm and quiet... and he reminded me of the Collie I had as a child. His owner, who lived in a flat with her 8-year-old son and had recently started working in catering, realised the dog wasn’t happy in a flat anymore. He was showing signs of boredom and taking it out on her plants and shoes... Long story short, we ticked every box she was looking for: a house, a garden, plenty of company, walks, etc., and she decided to let us have him! On the day he was meant to leave, the owner was very upset at the thought of giving up her ‘baby,’ but she kept the dog’s happiness in mind and let him go with us anyway. However, a few hours later (in the middle of the night), she backtracked and asked for him back, saying she hadn’t realised how hard it would be. By morning, the voice of reason kicked in and she changed her mind again. Basically, over the weekend, she kept flip-flopping—yes, no, yes, no—which really put everyone’s nerves through the wringer and slightly spoilt the arrival of this lovely dog. Then, we heard nothing for a while; we had three amazing weeks with him, and he settled in so quickly and well. There were a few little training bits to work on, but nothing major, and he seemed like a really fast learner... Unfortunately, after three weeks, she got back in touch to say she was coming to collect him. It was with great sadness and a lot of tension that I ‘agreed.’ To try and move on quickly, I started looking for another dog on Gumtree, now that I knew exactly what qualities I was after (tried and tested!). A week later, I went to pick up another dog: a 10-month-old Border Collie cross whose owner was rehoming him because he tends to run off when he's with their other dog. But now, I have to admit that the one struggling most to adapt is me! The dog is exactly as described: affectionate, kind, gentle, with good recall. He’s a bit timid but he’s starting to find his feet. It’s slower than the previous one, and he’s quite scared of my youngest son, but again, nothing serious. I know it takes adult dogs a few weeks to settle into a new home... but I’m the first to be surprised by the wave of emotion hitting me. When I walk him, all I see is ‘what he isn’t’ (he’s not playful, doesn't have the same physical presence or build), even though their temperaments are actually quite similar. Since he arrived, I can’t stop thinking about the one before him, even though he was only with us for three short weeks! I miss him much more than I thought I would, and I’m scared I won’t be able to bond with this little dog who’s done nothing wrong. I just can’t seem to get past it. I’m writing this very early on, as he’s only been with us for 24 hours... I’m sure time will do its thing, but it’s such a disappointment that it’s going this way. I also feel incredibly guilty towards my children, who just want to love him... Anyway, that was a bit of a wall of text, but it’s helped to get some of this anxiety off my chest. I’ve ended up feeling silly and anxious, I’ve lost my appetite, the whole works... Thanks to anyone who’s read this, and maybe some of you have been through something similar?

@mel1 I’m so sorry for your losses. Losing a dog at only 3 years old must have been absolutely heartbreaking. Thank you for your kind words. I think it’s definitely going to take some time and a lot of resilience on my part.

 

@philly I'm so sorry for your loss as well. I’m feeling quite a bit of anxiety regarding the dog I’ve adopted, so I really do understand. I could never part with Ugo’s things. They are the last traces of him left on this earth and I refuse to get rid of them.

I’m not expecting my relationship with Lucky to be the same as the one I had with my Bernie. It couldn't be anyway, because I’m not the same person anymore and I just don’t feel that same spark with him. That doesn’t mean I’ll make him an unhappy dog, though. Lucky is the family dog. Ugo was my dog, my shadow. Lucky has all the same privileges Ugo had. I don’t have any resentment towards him, but whereas Ugo had the place of a child in my heart, Lucky has the place of a dog—and mentally, that’s better for me. I haven’t changed his name because he already comes when called, and since we’re already having to work on his socialisation issues (I’ve reached out to a pet behaviourist), I didn’t want to confuse him any further.

So yes, for now, there have been more days where I’ve called myself an idiot for impulsively getting another dog, but I’m not going to give up on him. I know it doesn’t sound like much of a dream right now, but it is what it is.

 

@Audreylug Your story is just awful. You must have already started bonding with that dog through the photos. It’s so sad that the rescue didn't address the problem before starting the rehoming process. But at least you found your Tootsie. I wish you many wonderful adventures by her side.

First of all, I’m so sorry to hear about Ugo. Thinking of you – I know it’s not easy.

 

I completely agree with Emla, Philly, Kikaah...

 

 

As for me, I don't really have a similar story to share. I’ve only actually lost one dog (my very first dog, Noisette, went missing a few months after we got her, and my parents and grandparents decided to get another one straight away, even before we’d come home from our holidays).

 

 

I waited 9 years before getting another dog. But that wasn't so much about the grieving process as it was about my circumstances at the time.

 

When Orion died, I was living in a flat. I realised that having a dog in a flat was too much of a struggle for me when it came to taking them out for toilet breaks.

 

Six years after Orion passed away, I decided to apply for a hearing dog (to help with my hearing loss) through a charity. For about a year to eighteen months, the organisation trained my future dog and sent me photos...

 

Then it turned out I wouldn't be able to take the dog with me on holiday to Switzerland, and the charity refused to let my family look after him. Because of that, they abruptly cancelled my application without any warning.

It was a massive blow and I was really shocked; even now, I’m not sure I could read through the messages I had with the charity without getting emotional...

 

That was followed by 7 or 8 months of looking at breeders, thinking about the right breed, having discussions... I wanted to adopt from a shelter or a rescue like the RSPCA, but the people around me were worried I’d end up with a dog that was aggressive or had issues...

 

and I ended up adopting Tootsie in July 2022

Hi Rainy,

Like so many others on this site, I suppose, you and I are both going through the very recent loss of a companion who shared a slice of our lives with a sense of joy that’s hard to put into words. I’ve just lost my Golden Retriever, Gaspard; he was sixteen, and while people mean well, those consoling remarks like "He had a good long life" feel a bit hollow and do very little to dull the grief and the pain.

If I've understood you correctly, you shouldn't be questioning yourself about the different stages of your grief. Not thinking about your late dog every single second doesn't mean that the grieving process (which is such a vague, personal, and private thing) hasn't started, and you shouldn't feel guilty for what might feel like a bit of emotional distance. You’re going to have highs and lows during all of this. Just let them come as they are—you can’t really do otherwise.

I'm not planning on adopting another dog for the time being (or even in the medium term). You’ve taken a different path since you’ve already got a new one, but from what you’ve written, that seems to be a source of unease for you. This is a new dog and he deserves the same devotion you gave to your last one. He will never replace him, but that isn't his job or his purpose. I firmly believe in how intuitive dogs are, and he might pick up on your feelings and be affected by them. You need to let go of the physical belongings that belonged to your previous dog. Don't use the lead that the previous owner of your current dog gave you. Buy him things that you’ve chosen yourself; make him truly yours. Give him his own name, and all the space in your life and heart that he is entitled to. Of course, when you're out on walks, you won't be able to help comparing him to your old dog for a while. But any adoption, and the building of that deep bond between a dog and their owner, takes time, and everyone goes through it at their own pace. In other words, don't jeopardise the relationship that's starting to grow between you and your new dog. Embrace this new bond with all the strength it deserves.

I wish you many years of happiness and joy together.

Best regards,

Philly

It’s even more recent for you, but it’ll all fall into place. Your dog also needs some time to get used to you.

You both need time to get to know one another. It’ll be fine.

So I ended up getting a new puppy very quickly, just a few weeks after my Dude passed away. It’s true that it’s not exactly easy, what with the grief and the memories. But over time, it starts to feel right. Like yours, my latest one is very different from the last, and even from my first who was the same breed. It helps; I still compare them, of course, but not in a bad way. It’s just things like Sagro hates being sprayed with water, whereas Odin absolutely loved it. Little things like that.

It’s so hard losing a mate, even though we know it’s bound to happen eventually. Sadly, our four-legged friends have such a short lifespan compared to our own. When I lost my first dog (he died in my arms just before his 10th birthday), it took me years before I felt ready to get another one. I eventually decided to get a puppy. But I was so unlucky—he also died in my arms, and he was only 3 years old. Because of health issues, I had to have him put to sleep. It was devastating, and even now, two years on, I’m still grieving for him. After losing him so young, far too young, I had two choices: spiral into depression or get another dog to give me a bit of a lift.

Thank you for being so kind and for sharing your experiences. I’ve calmed down a bit since I wrote my post, and your replies have made me feel so much more optimistic.

Honestly, I think this Golden, who’s already got a bit of history behind him, is the best middle ground I could have found. Getting another puppy, as I might have done instead, would have been a massive mistake. I needed a dog to keep me company on walks (I’d carried on going out alone, but unfortunately, I’ve been warned a few times that a "girl like me" shouldn't be walking by herself, which really spooked me). I don’t let him see my sadness, as I know it would just cause him unnecessary stress. 

As for a funeral service, I couldn't bring myself to watch when he was buried in my garden (I know it’s technically not allowed, but I couldn’t bear the thought of his body being piled into a van with a dozen others). I’ve put together a photo album in his honour and written a letter. I’ve also planted a couple of perennials near his grave. His collar is still in my bedroom. 

Regarding comparing them, I am doing it. But they are so different, which is a good thing. My Bernese was a bit of a grump, but a terrible guard dog. The Golden is the opposite—at least from what I’ve noticed so far. I know there’s no point in comparing them, but I still get a bit of a pang in my heart when I realise this dog is my dog now, and Ugo only lives on in my heart. 

 

Anyway, I’m rambling on again. I just wanted to say thank you so much for all your kind words.