Hi everyone, I’ve got a German Shepherd who is nearly 5 years old and he doesn't love me. What I mean is, he never comes to me asking for cuddles or a fuss, he doesn't listen to me, and when I tell him off he growls at me, curls his lips and shows his teeth in a really nasty way. When he does that, I clench my hand into a fist and sort of tap him (not hard at all, I just rub my fist) against his teeth while saying "Go on then, bite me." Every time he stops what he's doing and goes to sulk in his bed. How can I get my dog to love me even just a little bit and actually obey me? Especially since I give him loads of cuddles and play with him all the time. Cheers.
Translated from French
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When I was a kid, I had a female German Shepherd who died of old age. From what I remember, she wasn't very affectionate, unlike all the dogs I’ve had since. She was very loyal and devoted to my dad, her owner, and always wanted to be right by his side.
She showed she was happy by wagging her tail in the morning or when we came home. Just having us all around and being with us was enough for her.
At the same time, I also had a female Dachshund. I always wanted to stroke her or give her a kiss (I was under 10 at the time); the result was that if I was too persistent, she’d bite me or walk away – and she only ever did that with me.
For your dog, the most important thing is to find a way to bond, for example, by doing some kind of activity together.
Despite the biting, I always loved my Dachshund because she wasn’t being mean; it was me who wasn’t respecting her temperament or her need for space. In fact, by wanting to love her so much, I was treating her like an object at my disposal.
Those two dogs taught me a lot: respect for the animal from one, and from the other, that love isn't always about big displays of affection.
Hi Lilia,
The fact that he doesn't come looking for cuddles doesn't really strike me as a major cause for concern.
As I often point out to my clients, when we choose to get a dog, it’s essentially to fill an emotional gap. Because of that, we expect the dog to fulfil us. However, dogs don't have that same need. Their need to bond (rather than 'love') with humans is biological; it’s actually vital for their survival.
Our Western culture conditions how we relate to dogs. We welcome them into our homes, shower them with attention, tend to be quite demonstrative with our affection, overprotect them, and sometimes even let them sleep in our beds. We have to ask ourselves whether we’re doing this for our own benefit or for the dog's.
As for why he isn't listening to you, or why he’s growling and baring his teeth, you probably need to look at how you're communicating with him. It’s likely that your current approach isn’t quite right. Getting into a confrontation with him—even if he seems to back down—is definitely not the right way to go about it.
Now, to give you proper advice, you really need a dog behaviourist to come to your home to observe you and the dog, and assess the situation in person.
One last thing:
Be careful about what some people say regarding 'dominant' dogs, dominance between humans and dogs, hierarchy, or 'pack' social structures. None of that applies to domestic dogs. Not a single bit of it!
Ethology—the scientific study of animal behaviour—completely disproves these outdated and oppressive superstitions.
Hi there, every dog has their own personality, and your dog just isn't that into cuddles. You shouldn't keep pushing him like you've been doing; it's not right and it only makes matters worse. You have to understand that when a dog misbehaves, there’s always a reason behind it (stress, lack of exercise, etc.), so you shouldn't scold him. "Naughtiness" doesn't mean the same thing to a dog as it does to a human. Dogs don't understand why they’re being told off, as "misbehaving" is usually just a sign that the dog is unhappy or stressed.
Maybe you just need to leave him be for a bit; displays of affection aren't always well-received by dogs, simply because in their language, it means something very different than it does to us.
Why would he come looking for strokes when he seems to have 'had his fill' of them? Maybe he’s had his fill of being talked at as well?
Try offering him something else to do: like fetching a toy, etc.
Your dog definitely 'loves' you, just give him the chance to show it and keep an eye on him. 😉
Not all dogs are naturally affectionate. Maybe try to build a bit of a bond with your dog through things like walks and games, and spoil him with some treats (without going overboard, of course). He might start to feel like you’re taking more of an interest in him and that you want to give him some of your time.
Sorry if what I’ve just said has already been mentioned further up the thread, but I haven't read through it all—I didn't have the energy to tackle that wall of text! ;)
Evening, thanks for getting back to me, I’ll definitely follow your advice.
I tell my dog off when he's being naughty (which is actually quite rare now), but especially when he doesn't listen, as I feel like I’m invisible to him even though I love him to bits.
We got him when he was three and a half months old, and my parents handled more of his training than I did (because of my studies). I praise him when I call him and he comes back straight away, but everything else is a bit of a struggle. When he sees a cat, he chases after it and it’s pointless me telling him to come back—he just won't listen. It’s a real worry as we live opposite a bypass and there’s a dual carriageway behind our house.
Thanks so much for the advice, I’ll start putting it into practice once I’m back home.
First of all, a dog isn't necessarily going to come looking for cuddles and a fuss; they aren't toys or soft toys. Every dog has its own personality, and that’s just the way it is. Dogs don’t perceive things the same way humans do. A dog might interpret a stroke or a hug—which a human sees as a sign of affection—as a sign of dominance instead (patting the top of the head, for example).
Who has been in charge of the dog’s training? Telling a dog off achieves nothing except making them frustrated and causing them to associate you with something negative—especially if you use rough handling like hitting. As a general rule, you should NEVER hit a dog, but doing so with the same hand that offers affection will leave the dog completely confused.
To train a dog and build a real bond with them, nothing beats positive reinforcement. When they get worked up, ignore them, and once they’ve calmed down, give them a stroke and a treat (but never on top of the head at first). The dog will associate being obedient and calm with a reward and will start to settle down more quickly over time. You can also build this trust through play, by teaching them tricks, how to fetch things, and so on—always with a stroke and a treat as a reward.
The dog seems to be quite dominant, given that they’re rebelling by baring their teeth and so on. You don’t train this type of dog with a heavy-handed approach, but through trust. Every time they do something right, give them plenty of praise and a little treat (bits of sausage, dog biscuits, dry food, or a bit of cheese, depending on the calcium levels in your dog's current diet). When they do something you don't like, just ignore them. It’ll take time, but in the long run, you’ll develop a proper relationship with your dog. After a while, start reducing the number of treats to half, then a third, and so on, while still praising them every time so that eventually, the reward is the affection itself rather than just the "carrot".
A quick question, though—in what situations are you telling them off? What had they done wrong? How long have you had them? If you need to calm the dog down quickly because they’re becoming dangerous, do not hit them. Be firm: place your hand on the scruff of their neck and apply pressure, much like a mother would with her pups (without choking them—see this video for a visual example: https://youtu.be/GLD7OyosCUM?t=2m49s). Apply pressure and guide them to the floor so they calm down, and keep your hand there until they’ve settled.
I’ll just take this last opportunity to point out that a dog is still an animal and isn't at their owner’s beck and call; they won't always want to be smothered with cuddles.
