Hi everyone, I’ll explain my situation. My wife grew up with dogs and really wants to adopt one, but as someone who's unfortunately never had a dog, I just don't get why. It might sound strange, but I don't really see why she wants a dog, especially since we aren't exactly the sporty type. We’ve already got two cats, we wouldn't be able to take a dog on holiday with us, and we aren't home all that much – we’re out for six hours at a time. I don't think it's much of a life for a dog, just waiting around for its owners. Plus, we live quite far out from town and there aren't many dogs nearby, which is a bit rubbish if the dog can't play with any mates and so on… What do you think? She’s been going on and on at me about it for a while now, but I don’t want to get a dog just to please her. I’d much rather get a third cat instead. Do you have any arguments I can use to make her realise it’s just not possible?
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In my opinion, leaving a dog for 6 hours straight isn't unreasonable, but that’s just my take on it. I think it's only once you hit the 8-hour mark that you really need to split the day in half. Some people will come out with the "puppy excuse" about them needing to go out every 2 hours, but I think there’s a big difference between textbook theories and real life. My dog didn't go out every 2 hours when he was a puppy because life gets in the way; I was away for more than 2 hours sometimes and I needed to sleep too! That didn't stop him from being fully house-trained by the time he was 4 or 5 months old. Sure, you get the odd accident, but you just clean it up and get on with it. The 2-hour rule was only for when I was actually there to catch him in the act.
A typical working day is at least 7 hours long, and the majority of people work standard hours like 8am to 5pm with an hour or two for lunch. Not being away for more than 4 hours is all well and good for people working shifts, part-time, or for pensioners, but in reality, most of us are nowhere near that.
To reply to @Emla, we are planning to have a child and I’m of the same mind; I know a new baby turns your life upside down and takes up a massive amount of time. So, with a baby plus a dog to look after, walk, and so on... I don’t think it’s ideal. As you said, the best thing would be to get a dog when the child is older, so they can grow up with it and help look after it.
That’s what I was thinking—if she really loves dogs, maybe we could volunteer to walk dogs for a local rescue on Sundays, for example (it would be an effort though, Sundays are sacred in my house!) haha. I think deep down she knows a dog wouldn’t be happy with our lifestyle. Plus, I’ve done some research and she wants quite "active" breeds like Labradors or Australian Shepherds, so for me, it’s a total non-starter. And as you mentioned, it might be a deal-breaker for the relationship, but even if we did split up, she wouldn’t be able to look after it with her hours and lifestyle. I think it’s a matter of putting the animal’s happiness before our own...
Hello,
Having been in a similar position to your wife, I can’t really tell you how to go about arguing your point – which, I have to say, is completely reasonable. But your wife wants a dog so badly that she won't listen to a word you say. So, why not try suggesting fostering or dog-sitting for a bit first?
For me, that was more than enough until the day I could finally adopt a dog for good. However, I soon realised that day-to-day life with a dog is incredibly hard work, especially when you’re working, or when the dog is poorly and you have to take time off to get them to the vet, or even when you're not feeling 100% yourself but you still have to go out for a walk and keep them entertained. And even then, I was lucky enough to be able to take mine to work and live right in the countryside.
My husband’s job, on the other hand, was just to spoil her and join us for a walk every now and then! But at least he loved having a dog, and now that we have "Célia", he looks after her just as much as I do. But even as retirees, our Célia takes up our whole day, as we’re out walking for 3 hours a day and still doing plenty of other activities with her.
We also had a lot of trouble during the first two years with our little one being very ill (a weak immune system). You don't tend to think about that side of things when you’ve got your heart set on a little companion. That could be another point to bring up. Best of luck to you.
@Docline, I agree it’s definitely different whether it’s a new couple or one that’s been together for years. But honestly, even after several years, it’s still a deal-breaker for me.
It all depends on how much you really want a dog. To me, it’s just like one person wanting kids and the other not—even after years together, it’s a deal-breaker. It’s far too big an issue.
In this case, she wants a dog and he wants one, but just not yet. They need to negotiate a compromise on the timeframe.
It’s a different story for an established couple compared to a new relationship where one partner already has or wants a dog. But you can still build a special bond with rescue dogs by volunteering to take them for walks; you can love dogs and help them out without actually owning one yourself.
I don’t really agree with you there, Emla. My parents had their dog long before the kids came along and everything went perfectly well, both for the dog and for the children.
The dog wasn't pushed to one side when the first baby arrived, and the child learned to respect the dog.
You don’t have to sideline the dog just because a baby is on the way. It’s just a change of routine, much like the changes that come with a breakup, a new job, moving house, and so on...
My cousin has just had a baby even though he’s had his dog for several years, and it’s all going fine. My other cousin is expecting a baby in a few months and he’s already got a dog too.
At the end of the day, some people prefer to do things in a specific order, but that doesn’t mean doing it differently is wrong. It’s more of a very personal choice.
Regarding the point of this post, it would be a dealbreaker for me if I met someone who tried to stop me from having a dog. But then, I can be a bit stubborn! 😅
Personally, I think if you're going for the whole "house, kids, dog, cat" dream, the dog shouldn't come before the children.
When you get a dog before having kids, you give them a certain routine and loads of attention, but when the baby arrives, the dog's whole world gets turned upside down. Then, as the child grows up, the dog is getting on a bit and might not necessarily have the patience anymore.
If you get the dog afterwards, at least they're thrown straight into the deep end from day one. Plus, if the kids are old enough, they make great playmates, and it’s such a brilliant experience for children to grow up with a dog.
She seems quite sentimental about her own childhood memories, so she should appreciate how wonderful it is for a child to welcome a new dog into the family.
Mind you, if you aren't planning on having kids, my whole argument goes out the window! 😅
Thanks for all your replies. To answer your question, no, we don't have any children. I can definitely see myself having a dog in the future, but not for the time being. I know her well enough to know she’d handle the walks at the start, but further down the line, it would end up being down to me. I could do it, of course, but as I’ve said, I don’t want the hassle of a pet I’m not ready for yet. I do get that she wants a pet like the ones she grew up with, but she doesn’t quite realise everything that goes into it. I also don’t want this to become a deal-breaker, if you know what I mean... 😁 We're going to have another chat about it. Thanks for your advice and for sharing your experiences :)
I completely agree that it has to be a joint decision; it shouldn't be forced on one person by the other, otherwise it’ll just end in disaster.
A friend of mine had an ex who kept ‘pestering’ him to get a dog. He likes animals but didn’t want the hassle and responsibility. In the end, they agreed it would be her dog and that she’d be the one looking after it.
The result? She wanted a lie-in every morning, she couldn’t be bothered in the evening... My friend ended up having to walk the dog every single day because he couldn't just leave the poor thing. If he hadn't, she’d have just left him in the house and not cared. To her, the dog was just there for cuddles.
And he was the one working the longest hours! He was also the one cleaning up any accidents...
If you're not happy about doing the morning walks, that’s your right. Could that be a point of discussion? Is she actually prepared to get up earlier? To go to bed later? To go out for a long time (at least one long walk a day)? Plus, if you don't have any green spaces nearby like you said... that’s not ideal for a pup either. Would she be willing to give up her time to drive him to the woods? Or the countryside? Factor in the travel time there and back on top of the walk itself?
Hi there,
The point about being away for 6 hours straight and having regular holidays without the dog are definitely valid arguments.
As for the rest, not so much. You don’t necessarily need to be a massive fitness fanatic, depending on the breed you choose. But you do at least need to enjoy being outdoors and going for long walks—regardless of whether it’s raining, windy or snowing—several times a day, EVERY SINGLE DAY.
My ex-husband loved dogs but never wanted one because of the massive commitment involved. He loves seeing my dog when he drops by the house (to pick up our son)—he gets all the perks without any of the hard work. But I know it would’ve been a struggle to convince him. To be honest, I didn’t even try because I waited until all the stars aligned before taking the plunge myself (at 42, once my career allowed it, my son was older, we had a big garden, I’d got most of the travel bug out of my system, and I had the budget for it...).
My new partner had never had pets, didn't really get my passion for them, and was a bit wary of my desire to get one. We talked about it at length, weighing up the pros and cons. Not against each other, but WITH each other. It took nearly a year to finally make the decision, and it was a joint one (though I’m certain he mostly did it out of love for me, as it was all brand new to him).
Those first six months were tough because it's a huge sacrifice and a massive commitment. A dog takes up a huge part of your life. That’s why you both really need to know what you’re getting into; you shouldn't just give in, otherwise you might regret it after a few months (and then it’s the dog who suffers).
Looking at him with our dog now (we’ve had him for two years), I think he’s even more smitten than I am, and he hasn't regretted it for a single second.
But every story is different. It can also go badly. A dog can become a massive source of rows if things aren't working out.
Keep talking it through, but it really is a conversation that needs to happen between the two of you. If it's a "no" for you, then say no. Don’t look for excuses elsewhere.
If you need more info to help you decide, feel free to ask us any questions.
