Hi everyone, I’ll explain my situation. My wife grew up with dogs and really wants to adopt one, but as someone who's unfortunately never had a dog, I just don't get why. It might sound strange, but I don't really see why she wants a dog, especially since we aren't exactly the sporty type. We’ve already got two cats, we wouldn't be able to take a dog on holiday with us, and we aren't home all that much – we’re out for six hours at a time. I don't think it's much of a life for a dog, just waiting around for its owners. Plus, we live quite far out from town and there aren't many dogs nearby, which is a bit rubbish if the dog can't play with any mates and so on… What do you think? She’s been going on and on at me about it for a while now, but I don’t want to get a dog just to please her. I’d much rather get a third cat instead. Do you have any arguments I can use to make her realise it’s just not possible?
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I’m totally with you on that, Bobkat. My pets are in my name, and I take full responsibility for them (vets, walks, etc.). On that basis, I don’t have to ask anyone for permission.
To my mind, the real issue here is determining whether it’s a deep-seated desire—or even a need, because I honestly believe it can be!—or just a passing whim.
But it’s up to the person concerned to reflect on it and make a responsible choice; it’s not for someone else to tell them they aren’t up to it or that they’re just acting like a spoilt child.
We can have a discussion and help someone think things through, but not by accusing them beforehand of being incapable or lazy 😒
I don’t think that’s a good way to help someone you love make a decision.
Caroline, I didn't realise she wanted an Australian Shepherd ^^. I must admit, if his partner has fallen for such an active breed, I can see why he’s a bit worried.
Personally, I’ve got a Shar Pei, and I chose her based on my personality and lifestyle. It’s not a common or ‘trendy’ breed, but she suits me perfectly :)
And I’m not afraid to admit it: I’m not a sporty person. I can go for walks, but as soon as it gets a bit too long or too hard on my back, I have to call it a day because of my back issues, so I’m quite limited there too.
In fact, it’s only logical to get a dog that actually suits you. It’s like choosing a husband – you wouldn't settle down with someone who isn't right for you just because he’s good-looking, ha ha ha!
I also think that having a high-energy dog is part of the ‘perfect dog’ image people have in their heads. You often hear people say, “Yeah, I don’t want a dog that just snores on the sofa all day and does nothing,” so when they see gorgeous Border Collies, Malinois, or Aussies full of life, it clicks. But you have to be able to handle it.
Anyway, it’s clear they need to have a chat about it, and why not suggest some calmer, more moderate breeds to his wife?
@Caroline-Eg I agree with everything you’ve said, except when it comes to cats.
Cats are more independent animals than dogs. It’s a fact. You might come across the odd clingy one, but it’s pretty rare.
I have six cats at home, and even my most "velcro" one is way more independent than my dog.
I do have one who’s more clingy than the others, but he still spends 80-90% of his time outside without giving me a second thought. The others are never far off either, but they just get on with their own lives. Compared to a dog who needs heaps of interaction with their owner, a cat just comes to you when they feel like it, and that’s a lot less often than a dog...
The daily routine described (obviously we haven’t heard both sides, so it’s tricky) doesn’t seem compatible with a very high-energy dog or one that demands a lot of attention, but is it incompatible with all dogs in general? That’s for them to discuss.
But if it’s a case of walking them for an hour and a half a day and just having a calm dog once they're back home—one that doesn't pester you every two seconds and doesn't have such a strong pack instinct as a Husky or a shepherd—that doesn’t mean a lack of socialisation or meet-ups. If the goal isn't to have a dog that reacts instantly to every single command and you’re prepared to put the work in regarding canine body language, there are a few breeds that could work, or even dogs from a local rescue.
Bearing in mind that a dog will always require a big commitment and, of course, adoption shouldn’t be taken lightly.
Mind you, if the point is to say "our lifestyle doesn't suit an Australian Shepherd, we'll see later when we have more time"... well, if the family isn't active or doesn't like being constantly nagged to do brain games, agility, and so on, the world isn't going to change in five years.
I think that instead of being patronising, it’s better to discuss why it is or isn't compatible and what the doubts are on both sides.
I know I can't live without a dog, but I know I’m capable of compromising if I ever have to make a joint decision on a breed.
For instance, take the Australian Shepherd again: if you have a partner who just wants to give the dog a quick stroke and have a quiet dinner when they get back from work, an Aussie might not always be the best fit. There’s also the budget—you know that if you want to go on holiday regularly, there’s the cost of the boarding kennels. Everyone's feelings should be considered, but you need to see if it’s doable with your daily routine and under what conditions. You have to be honest too; people have the right to not want a dog, but constantly using the "we'll see later" excuse is, I agree, quite patronising.
@Bobkat, I think he mentioned that she wanted active dogs like Australian Shepherds, which aren't always easy, so I can see why there are doubts. Then again, it’s all about having a proper discussion.
Sometimes we’re just not suited to every type of dog, and you have to accept that. My dream of owning a Malamute probably won’t ever happen, but I’ve made my peace with it ^^ On that note, I think you really need to keep your feet on the ground and not get caught up in trends or the idea that "easy to train" automatically means "easy to live with". Some people are much better suited to a Husky, a Shar Pei, a Chow Chow, an Akita, or a Jack Russell (even if those breeds have nothing in common) than an Australian Shepherd.
My mum had a Malinois—well, it was more of a rescue dog than anything—and I’ve been telling her for a few years now that she’s better suited to a Shar Pei or an Akita type. It might seem odd to recommend those over a supposedly "easy" sheepdog, but the truth is, not everyone is cut out for a dog that’s constantly demanding your attention and needs loads of mental stimulation. Some people prefer dogs that might not "sit" the very second they're told and are a bit more stubborn in that regard, but who are happy with quiet walks (even if you still have to socialise them) rather than intense sport, and who don’t spend every five minutes clinging to you once you're back home (though that depends on the individual dog, of course). There are people who get a sheepdog thinking they’ll definitely be easy, when they were clearly better suited to breeds that people like to describe as "very difficult".
Ultimately, it’s just a question of the environment and what you can actually offer the dog.
Antochvler, I’ve never felt that cats are more independent than dogs (speaking in human terms); I think people just tell themselves that to feel better. When I get home, the ones always under my feet are my male dog and our female cat, while my female dog is just lying there quietly. On the other hand, if I have to go out, I still walk my dogs for about 2 hours a day, regardless of whether I'm busy or not. A dog is more demanding because you have to take them out, put more effort into training them than a cat, house-train them, and so on. But whether they are independent or not really depends on the individual cat or dog. Some cope better with being alone if they're in a group, but I know Lili, our cat, really struggles to be away from the dogs. It’s not actually the length of time you’re gone that’s the main issue; it’s the fact that dogs are diurnal animals (like us) who are mainly active during the day (unlike cats, who are nocturnal). If you’re out all day, you technically can’t take them out or play with them. However, being gone for 6 hours doesn’t stop you from taking them out early in the morning, going for another hour-long walk or more in the evening, and making sure they don't have to hold it in for too long.
This doesn't mean dogs are solitary animals—quite the opposite—but they rarely have a long-term concept of time. My dad’s Boxer used to start getting up to no good just 5 minutes after he left. My dad literally got a cat to keep his dog company, and that was enough. But whether you were gone for 2 seconds or 6 hours, it was all the same to him; he just hated being alone. There are some dogs where you won’t be able to do anything about that, and the length of time you’re away won't change a thing.
I think two dogs handle 6 hours alone much better (it's easier) than a single dog handles 2 hours. Even a dog with a cat, if they get along well, can cope better with being on their own. It all depends on the dogs in question. The Husky, with its heightened pack instinct, is the perfect example, but all dogs have this instinct to some degree.
In my opinion, waiting until you can say "we’ll be out for less than 6 hours" is completely hypothetical, and I think your wife has realised that. And waiting for a child to look after a dog is also very often just wishful thinking.
That said, I’m not trying to convince you either way. I agree with @Mel1 that if you can’t fully commit to a dog, it’s better not to get one. However, you should rarely wait for a drastic change in your circumstances, thinking "later on we'll have more time, more energy"—that's rarely how it goes. In these cases, it’s better to be realistic and honest, and admit if you’re not ready, and that maybe you never will be.
Mind you, I’m not here to say you’re wrong for saying no to her.
I’d say you have to adopt the dog that’s the right fit for you. I’ve no idea what kind of dog she’d actually like, to be honest.
But yeah, the urge to get a dog can be really strong. I’ve always loved dogs, ever since I was a little girl – I don’t know if it can be genetic, but my grandad was dog-mad too and had loads of them. In my family, almost everyone has a dog or has had one as a companion at some point.
Hi, I just wanted to weigh in on what I've read. I was in the same boat; I'd wanted a dog for years and years and at the time I was living with someone—my partner didn't want one. He thought the same thing, like "oh, you'll look after it at first and then you'll get bored of it," etc. Personally, I found being patronised like that really unpleasant.
I had a dog when I was younger, and I was the one who wanted it; my parents covered the costs since I was a kid, but for everything else, it was "you wanted it, you look after it."
So, I went ahead and got a dog without asking my partner, as I was the one taking full responsibility for everything. My little spud is about to turn four now, and even though she isn't always the easiest dog because she’s quite a nervous soul, she’s making progress and I still love going out with her after all this time. I’m always really chuffed when people who know her tell me how much she’s improved.
The fact that my ex thought I wouldn't be able to look after my dog properly wasn't healthy; you're constantly on your guard, feeling like they're just waiting for you to slip up—maybe because you got home 10 minutes late one day, or because you went for a drink with colleagues one evening, even if you’d already been home to walk and feed her.
As for whether it’s a reason to break up, I don’t know. It’s like having a child; some people split up because one of them doesn't want kids. And some have one and then split anyway because there was something wrong with the relationship to begin with. A child isn't meant to save a relationship, and neither is a dog—sometimes it just highlights problems that were already there.
That’s also true @Caroline-Eg, being out of the house for 6 hours is perfectly reasonable.
As for the bit about there being nothing but fields, that’s not really an excuse either. In that case, you just jump in the car and go for a walk somewhere else ^^ And it's the same for looking after a baby and a dog; it’s all just a question of motivation. I’m not actually trying to convince you to get a dog, mind! ;) But the truth is, you don’t want a dog because you don’t want to look after one. And that’s fine! It’s one less 'garden ornament' in the world.
When I say it would be a deal-breaker for me, it’s only because you mentioned it earlier. Mind you, unlike your wife—at least based on what you’ve said—I handle everything for my dog myself from A to Z. So, the husband doesn't get a say because he doesn't have to do anything. If she wants a dog but expects you to do the bits that aren't so fun, then you’ve every right to not want one.
Well, for me, six hours is just too long... Even with my cats, who are solitary animals, I never leave them alone for that length of time, so for a dog it’s completely out of the question. It’s not that I’m refusing to have a dog just for the sake of it; I just think that getting a pet only to walk it for an hour a day, with no interaction other than being out in fields, is a selfish act for your own sake... My wife has finally seen sense and realised it’s better to wait until we have a child. In the meantime, we’re going to volunteer to walk dogs at the weekend.
