I feel so guilty for leaving my dog alone and finding her dead – did she suffer?

N
Nougat Icon representing the flag French
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I’m riddled with guilt; I just can’t come to terms with it.

I lost my dog yesterday and I wasn’t by her side; she was all alone. If I’d known, I would never have gone away.

She didn’t seem out of sorts before I left – just the same ongoing issue with a slipped disc that had worsened over the last four months. She was struggling to get around and wasn’t on any treatment; she just found her walks difficult. She was an old girl, 13 years of pure love.

I went away for a four-day trip and left her at home as usual, with the door open so she could pop in and out of the garden as she pleased. The cleaner popped in every day to check on her, stayed for a bit, and changed her food and water.

She was sending me photos to reassure me while I was away, but yesterday she found her dead. I caught the first flight back to bury her in our garden. I just don't understand how I could have left her. She seemed her usual self, no warning signs at all – she was eating and drinking well, going in and out of the garden, and sleeping normally with no signs of pain. The only issue (which the vet said was normal due to the slipped disc and arthritis) was that she was having a few more accidents than before.

I didn't want to put her in boarding kennels; I preferred leaving her at home in her own bed, with her garden and familiar surroundings, to save her from any anxiety.

Staying with my parents wasn’t an option either, as they live in a flat with stairs, which she wouldn't have been able to manage with her back and joints.

I thought I was making the right choice since I couldn’t take her with me.

I’m just so heartbroken and inconsolable. I keep telling myself I should never have gone. I don’t know if she suffered, if she was looking for me, or if she thought I’d abandoned her.

I’m devastated and I just can't get over it.

I don’t know if she suffered or if she passed away in her sleep. Maybe if I’d taken her to the vet, I could have been there for her. I feel so selfish for going away when she was poorly. I blame myself so much.

Translated from French
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    Anonymous user Icon representing the flag French
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    It’s such a difficult situation, and having that weight of guilt on top of your grief only makes it harder. Soon, those painful regrets will start to make way for the memories of all the happy times you shared together. That way, she can stay by your side for as long as you need. Stay strong, Nougat.
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    N
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    Yes, I found her in her usual spot with her paw under her head and her eyes closed; it looked just like she was sleeping. But I’m still struggling to accept it, it’s so hard.
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    ?
    Anonymous user Icon representing the flag French
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    You're right, I’d forgotten about passing away in her sleep. I’m certain she would have preferred to go at home rather than in an unfamiliar place. She lived a long and happy life with you and clearly made the most of it. You really mustn't blame yourself.

    Translated from French
    Lewina
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    I don’t agree with Janette; a pet that passes away doesn’t necessarily suffer. My dad’s dog, for instance, died in her sleep, lying peacefully under a tree...

    Often, the position you find them in can give you an indication of how it happened. If she was lying in a "normal" sleeping position, there’s a good chance she just slipped away in her sleep without really feeling anything.

    I think if the limbs are found very tense and the position looks much less natural, it might suggest there were at least a few seconds of suffering... But even if you weren't there, she passed away at home, where she felt safe and happy, and I think that’s a lovely thing in itself!

    Don't beat yourself up, there’s nothing more you could have done by being there, and perhaps your own sadness and stress might even have made things harder for her as she went.

    Stay strong.

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    N
    Nougat Icon representing the flag French
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    I couldn't bring myself to have her put down. My vet told me she was doing fine and there were no alarming signs to justify it, apart from the slipped disc and her struggling to walk. So, I'm avoiding walks and just letting her take it easy between the garden and the house.
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    Anonymous user Icon representing the flag French
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    I don’t want to make you feel even more guilty, but yes, she would have suffered. Every living creature suffers when they pass away, unless it’s very sudden or they are put to sleep. My own dwarf rabbit, Téo, died while I was out for a walk, and the hardest part for me was imagining how he might have suffered. Even if you had been there, your dog would likely have died anyway. You would have taken her to the vet and might have had to have her put down; she perhaps would have suffered less and had you by her side, but you can’t turn back time and there is no use in blaming yourself: she’s gone now, she isn’t in pain anymore. If your dog was used to you going away on holiday, she wouldn’t have felt abandoned. She didn’t necessarily look for you for that reason, but she might have looked for you when she knew her time was coming. You aren't being selfish; you genuinely thought everything would be fine despite her illness. You couldn't have predicted her death, so please don't torture yourself with guilt—it will only add a heavy burden to the sadness of losing your pet. Sending you strength to help you get through this difficult time.
    Translated from French

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