I'm looking for some advice and to hear about your own experiences. Just a heads up: if anyone's thinking of making me feel guilty, please don't. I'm already doing a much better job of that myself. I feel so ashamed and awful right now that I really don't need anyone else piling it on...
To give you some background, I live with an elderly Belgian Malinois that I rescued from a local shelter over a year ago. I’d always dreamed of having a dog, and when I finally had the right setup to do so, I started my search. With my first dog, it was love at first sight, and even though he had quite a few issues due to a difficult past, it’s been nothing but pure joy. I've never once doubted it or had any regrets with him, and the thought of life without him is absolutely heartbreaking.
Just over a week ago, I adopted a young female dog—also a shepherd, a Dutch Shepherd this time—and she's honestly brilliant! She’s playful and cuddly but also knows how to settle down; she loves her walks and her naps, doesn’t bark, listens really well, and doesn't get into much mischief for a young dog. To most people, she’d be the perfect dog, and she plays loads with my first one.
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Hi Alice,
I’m quoting you here: "I never really thought it was possible not to love a dog."
Maybe you expected to bond with this girl *quickly* and in exactly the same way as you did with your first dog?
It rarely works out like that, I think, even if people don’t always talk about it. Many times people have told me, with a hint of regret or disappointment, how "the second one isn’t like the first"...
They love their other dog, the second one and any others, but it’s never quite the same and, above all, it always takes a bit of time.
But even with the first one, even if we don’t always think it’s possible, don't we just end up loving them more and more as time goes by? :-)
You say you can sense your dog is tired; he might also be picking up on your mood and reacting to that more than the presence of the new dog. It’s possible. Since you seem so close—incredibly bonded—he must sense that you’re not quite yourself at the moment, given what you’ve described (the tears...). And he’s allowed to be a bit more tired too, given the change in routine that a new arrival brings, without it necessarily meaning that she is one too many or taking up all his space—especially since you say she isn't overbearing and they actually play together a lot. That’s a good sign.
I don't know if you just need to take a step back and get some perspective, to give yourself time to get to know her without overthinking things ("what if my dog...", "it could be that..."). Just live in the moment.
But I think it’s worth putting a bit of distance between you; perhaps let your sister look after her for a few days, if possible, to see how you feel. And you really need to stop feeling so guilty, otherwise you won’t be able to figure out what you truly want.
In any case, at times I get the impression you’re doing a lot of "thinking" for your dog, and then for your sister... It’s probably because you want to do the right thing, but it might mean you’re missing out on certain things, too.
It’s been just over a week now and I really feel like something isn’t right. I suppose in the end it’s like anything else—you just click with some more than others, whether it’s people or animals, and you can only really tell after a bit of time. It’s hard to know for sure after just one visit to the rescue centre.
My dog enjoys playing with her, but when we’re out on walks, she constantly barges into him at full pelt, and now he’s scared whenever she approaches him a bit too quickly. He’s a rescue who was mistreated in the past, so it really breaks my heart to see.
I also feel for the new dog because I honestly don’t feel a connection with her, and I keep thinking she deserves to be with someone who loves her unconditionally, the way I love my first dog.
To me, this doesn’t feel like the 'puppy blues' because she’s actually even better behaved than I’d hoped, as I mentioned before. That’s exactly why I’m worried that things won’t change.
Hi there,
You could just give it some time to see if your feelings change... much like with the puppy blues, for example.
In the meantime, she needs a roof over her head, food, walks and a pal (your other dog, and it’s brilliant that they get on so well). You’ve got her somewhere safe, and that’s the main thing.
Don’t put any extra pressure on yourself for now; just give it time.
Hi, my sister has offered to take her once her renovation project is finished. However, that’s a long way off, and I don’t want to pressure her or have her commit without knowing what her situation will be further down the line. Having been through the same thing myself—renovating a house from a total ruin—I know it’s a long, tedious process and there’s no guarantee of ever seeing it through. If it takes years to come to anything and she ends up not being able to take the dog, it’ll be heartbreaking for her and for me... not to mention for the dog. I think my sister only made the offer because she could see how upset I was when I told her about it.
Hi there!
Why talk about taking her back to the RSPCA if your sister would be willing to take her? I can understand your feelings and that you don't want to keep the dog, but I think it would be much less "traumatic" for her to go and live with your sister, who she probably already knows, rather than ending up back in a kennel at a rescue centre, don't you?
You might think it sounds like an ideal situation, so what’s going on? Well, I just can't seem to bond with this dog. I was so excited about the idea of getting her and bringing her home, but now I completely regret my choice and wish I’d never had the idea in the first place. I never thought it was possible to not love a dog, and yet, here we are. She actually has nothing but good qualities, but it doesn’t change anything; I’ve done nothing but cry with regret since she arrived. I don't enjoy stroking her, playing with her, or even taking her for walks. I’m doing everything properly and looking after her just like my first dog, but this situation is weighing on me so much and I’m constantly anxious. I have no motivation left, no appetite, and above all, a huge amount of guilt.
I can only focus on the negatives, even though there are very few, and I’ve been in a really dark place since she arrived. I found the courage to talk to my sister about it, as we’re very close, and she said she understood. She told me that if things haven’t improved in a while, she’d be happy to take her in because she’s fallen in love with this dog that I’m struggling to even think of as mine. Despite her offer, I can't see things getting any better and all that’s going through my head is taking her back to the rescue centre where I adopted her.
The truth is, I think I just wasn’t meant to have a second dog. I love my first dog so much and we have such a bond that I was perfectly happy with just him. It feels as though adopting the little one has ruined everything. I also feel like I’m replacing him, telling him he isn't enough, and almost like I’m mourning him before he’s even gone. This situation is causing me a lot of pain, especially as I find him very tired since the new dog has been with us. I try to make life easy for him, but my time is being swallowed up by this little dog that I regret having...
Please don't judge me too harshly because I really didn't think it was possible to find myself in this position and my heart is breaking—for myself, but mostly for the dog who is actually wonderful!
I can't bring myself to take her back to the shelter, but I tell myself that now would be for the best because she’ll find it so much harder later on. Plus, and I think it’s because of how exhausted I am right now due to the situation, I don't feel I have the strength to train her and live with her, especially once my first dog has passed away. I have this horrible feeling that I’m an awful person and that I've done a total disservice to this dog and to everyone who fights against abandonment—myself included. That’s the irony of it. I really didn't think it was possible not to love a dog, so I’m asking for your advice? What should I do about this situation that’s making me so miserable and which, in the long run, will also have an impact on my dogs?
