Coping with the loss of my dog

Cacabrouette
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Good evening, my dog passed away quite suddenly on 21st December from pancreatitis (she was very ill on Sunday night, I rushed her to the vet as soon as they opened. I take medication to help me sleep, so even though I stayed with her all night, it was impossible for me to drive and I thought it was just a tummy bug...) The vet did everything they could. I went to give her some cuddles on Monday afternoon; she was eating a little, and the vet was quite optimistic, saying she might be able to come home on Tuesday evening. \/p>

On Tuesday, she didn't want to eat. I brought some food from home, but she still refused to eat. I stayed by her side for about an hour, giving her cuddles and telling her how much I love her... but she passed away early that evening. Since then, I feel like my heart has broken, like I've lost the love of my life. I've dealt with losses before... but nothing has ever hurt this much!\/p>

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We only had her for two and a half years (she was an old girl from a rescue centre that we decided to give the best possible retirement to), and yet she became my whole life; we did everything together.\/p>

In October, I went through a period of depression and was signed off work for two months. She was with me 24\/7 at home; we spent so much time spooning and cuddling... Our bond was so strong that I can't imagine a future without her. I miss everything (even the bits that used to annoy me, like how she'd sleep between the two of us and I'd end up with no duvet, or how she'd sleep on the sofa glued to me or even on top of me, and follow me to the loo... basically she was always right behind me. Yes, I know we were too soft on her, but she was such a sweet, daft old thing, it was impossible to say no).\/p>

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I know it’s recent, but I just haven't got the heart for anything. All I do is cry and feel regret. My house feels empty of all life, my routine is all over the place and I need to find new habits, but I have no interest in anything... I feel terribly alone and lost.\/p>

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Obviously, the idea crossed my mind to get another companion from a shelter, not to replace her, but to help heal my heart a little, but I'm too scared I'll just compare them to my dog and not be able to give them the love they need. I think it's better to wait.\/p>

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Do you have any ideas or tips to help ease the pain a bit?\/p>

Thank you, and sorry for the long post.

\/p>\/p>

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    • Cacabrouette
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    On Friday and Saturday, we’ve got appointments at two rescue centres to see a few different pooches. However, we have to admit that the only breeds we’re really drawn to are bull breeds, like Staffies. The shelters are so full of them and some have had such horrific lives that I just want to adopt them all and give them the best life possible! (Mind you, my tiny flat and my modest salary bring me back down to earth pretty quickly 🙄)

    Though if we do fall for one, I’ll try to make sure at least their colour and face look different from my sweet girl’s.

    It’s awful because I’m so torn between wanting to give another dog a wonderful life and filling the hole in my heart, while at the same time feeling like I’m betraying my silly girl—as if it’s heartless of us to be wanting to adopt a new pooch already, especially since I’m only picking up her ashes tomorrow...

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    Docline
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    Personally, I’m a big believer in getting a dog that’s very different from the one that’s just passed away, without necessarily rushing into the first one that comes along.

    You shouldn’t force yourself into anything, really.

    In 2012, my Scottie died at the end of March; it wasn’t expected at all (thankfully I already had Elastic), and I got my Australian Shepherd in mid-June. I needed that time to process what had happened (when a loss is expected, I tend to bounce back much faster) and to look forward to a fresh start with a completely different personality.

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    Cacabrouette
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    We're definitely grieving in different ways; he’s really bottled it up and doesn't say anything, but I know he’s sharing my pain. He loves his gaming though, so he’s keeping himself busy... I’m just killing time in front of the telly, but I don’t feel like doing anything but sleeping. To be honest, going back to work tomorrow is going to be tough, even if it does force me to get moving and takes my mind off things. I’ve been looking at the ads from the local rescues and I’ve spotted two beauties that we really like. Unfortunately, the first one is a Staffy (she’s had a rubbish life so I really want to give her loads of love, but she’s already 10 and has mammary tumours, so I’m scared of going through the same heartbreak again as with my last dog, who was nearly 10 when we adopted her). The other is a Labrador Retriever with such an adorable face (but I don’t know the breed and I’m not sure if it would suit our lifestyle). Anyway, I’ve sent an enquiry to the rescue and they’re supposed to get back to me. I’m not sure if we’ll adopt straight away because we might get to the shelter and realise we’re just not ready. Actually, it’s a bit silly, but because losing my girl is still so recent, I’m worried about trying to "replace" her too fast. Even though she’s gone, I feel like it’s not very fair of me to want another dog so soon, as if she didn’t matter...
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    M
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    @Cacabrouette, it’s only been 10 days since you lost your dog; it’s probably still too difficult for your partner to even think about adopting a new one. Everyone deals with grief in their own way; some people just need more time (I was exactly like that the first time). But at the end of the day, there’s no point waiting for years if you know for a fact that you’ll get another dog eventually. Even years later, the arrival of a new dog will feel "complicated" and hesitant, and they will inevitably be compared to the one you lost. And that’s perfectly normal! We never truly forget the ones who are gone.

    When I lost my Dogue de Bordeaux, I got a Dogo Argentino very quickly. I compared him to my Bordeaux, of course (and I still do), but never as a criticism. It’s just that Odin used to do things one way, and Sagro does them differently; Odin was well-behaved, whereas Sagro is a total walking disaster zone. They are two completely different dogs; they’re like chalk and cheese, really. But I never "blame" Sagro for being the way he is.

    When I lost my Bordeaux, before I was 100% sure about getting another, I started looking at listings all over the place. Little by little, I began to imagine myself with another dog. Then one day, I saw (or saw again, as I thought I’d missed out) the ad for Sagro, and I replied with my heart racing at a hundred miles an hour! I got him through a stroke of luck; he was truly meant for me, that one.

    Maybe you could start by looking at some ads and showing your partner the ones that you think would suit you both. The loss of your dog is still very fresh, so it’s hard to move on.

    Perhaps by showing him some listings, he’ll eventually fall for a particular dog, and that will be the one!

    But you aren’t being a spoilt child! You need a dog to help you move forward. Your partner should understand that—it isn’t just a whim!

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    Rinrin
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    Hi there, it was actually my boyfriend who—seeing how much I was struggling (like you, I’d stopped eating and lost interest in everything, I was going to work but that was about it...)—took it upon himself to "find" a dog to help me move on. I really didn't want one; I was too scared of going through it all again and I didn't want to replace Walter. He practically dragged me along to several families who had puppies up for adoption. That’s how I met Cortex. He came right up to me and sat bolt upright, watching me with a curious look, his little tail wagging away. He’s been with me for nearly 6 months now and I’m so happy he’s here; he’s helped me get back on my feet so much faster, and without needing any meds. Maybe try talking to your partner about it—not demanding anything, but just explaining how you feel. Perhaps you could start by just going to a local rescue together to walk the dogs? You might just fall in love with a furry friend (and if he goes with you, it might help him come around to the idea).
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    Cacabrouette
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    Hi everyone, thank you so much for your replies; they’ve really done me a world of good.

    I think if we’d had other pets at home, I probably would’ve handled things a bit better, but my girl wasn’t great with other dogs and she gave me all the love I needed.

    Luckily, I’ve got support from my loved ones, though I can tell my partner is starting to feel a bit at a loss and doesn't quite know what to do with me and my sadness anymore.

    I feel like I’m spiralling back into depression, so yes, I’m thinking more and more about getting a dog from a rescue. But I’m so scared I’ll just keep comparing them, that I’ll be looking for what my sweet girl gave me, or that I won’t manage to give a new dog all the love they need.

    And yet, I have so much love to give that I’m almost certain that after a bit of a settling-in period, I’d give them a lovely life :)

    The problem is my partner; he’s fine with getting another dog, but not right now. Obviously, I can’t force it on him, but I feel like without it, I’m going to keep sinking. I feel like a spoilt brat who’s being a total pain to everyone until she gets her new dog 😏

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    Yuna La Ficelle
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    I’m in a similar frame of mind to emla, but I also think that for the pets as much as for ourselves, it’s a good idea never to have just the one animal at home. It naturally resolves quite a few issues, such as learning to be left alone—which is a fairly common topic on here—but also the grieving process, provided you haven't adopted pets of the same age, of course. It’s certainly not a case of thinking a dog is just a dog and replacing them like you would a car, obviously; it's just about being aware that in the grand scheme of things, our little companions are destined to break our hearts, as they say, and they will inevitably pass away before we do. From that point on, you either stop "living" when your loved ones pass, or you decide to keep going... In any case, personally, it really helped me having several pets at home when one of them died. It doesn’t stop the heartache or the grief—someone will always be missing even a long time afterwards—but the others naturally comfort us. Just like in the situation emla described, they force us to focus on the routine that the other pets need, which helps us get through those dark times. Wishing you all the best, and I hope the new year starts off better than the last one ended for you.
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    Docline
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    You’re right, it is so important to find a sympathetic ear for this kind of suffering, which many people simply don’t recognise.
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    Tania28
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    That’s exactly it, unfortunately. Some people will never understand the place our dogs and cats hold in our lives. Those who do get it are so important to us; they make us feel like we aren't being daft or an idiot for crying or letting it all out over an animal. They are a part of us, so it’s only natural to feel completely lost. So stay strong, and remember that writing it all down really does help.
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    V
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    Some people have a heart, others have a stone where it should be.
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