Hi everyone, three years ago I took in one of my mum's cats. I just can't seem to bond with her and I don't really understand her. She miaows all the time, doesn't like cuddles, and only ever goes to the toilet indoors. She'll like a certain type of wet food for a while and then suddenly decide she doesn't like it anymore... I'm at my wits' end. Thanks in advance for any advice.
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Thanks for your messages. No, the photo of the cat isn't the right one (I wasn't the one who posted it). My cat is definitely a Siamese. Yes, she has dry food available whenever she wants, but she doesn't eat much. She's 13 and yes, my mum has passed away. The reason I decided to keep her was because of her age and her behaviour. The other three have been rehomed and I get regular updates. I know you aren't "obliged" to love your pets, but it's hard for me, knowing she was my mum's favourite and that I'm absolutely mad about animals. So there we go, and just so you know, I'm not forcing her into anything.
Again, please don't feel guilty.
She is who she is. It’s also possible that losing her owner has affected her behaviour and she’s being a bit standoffish with you and other people because you aren't "her" person—the one she spent most of her life with.
Try looking at her as a housemate :).
When we first got "The Miss" and her brother (who sadly passed away in December 2019), they were incredibly timid—you couldn't get near them when they were awake, and only just about when they were sleeping together. We really struggled to bond with them, until "Mister" turned out to be an absolute softie (no kisses though, eh? Let's not push it! ^^).
We were at our wits' end for those first few months. I felt so guilty for not loving them the way we loved our previous cat (despite her behavioural issues), so to make things easier, I told myself, "we just have housemates." I started looking at them in a different light, with a bit of curiosity and often with amusement too.
Taking that more neutral, less emotionally charged and more analytical approach really helped me develop a lovely relationship with them. Now it's just "The Miss" left (plus a new little one who's a right handful! ^^). She'll accept a few strokes now; I always ask her verbally first—a ritual I've managed to establish with her—because there's no way she'll let me put my hand out to see if she's okay with being touched; she won't have any hand coming near her head.
And then, every evening, she comes and sits on our laps—first my better half's, then mine—and we know that’s her way of telling us she’s attached to us :)
Greylox... she’ll eat wet food in gravy or soup, but never the same thing twice. If I try to give her the same thing twice in one day, she won't eat, and she won't have the same brand twice in a row either. I’m constantly juggling several different brands just to try and keep her happy. I have to change her litter tray completely every single day, otherwise she just goes in the sink. I’m even forced to leave the back door open in the middle of winter; she climbs up and meows at my window even if I’m calling her from downstairs... To avoid stressing her out, I can’t have anyone over to the house anymore, otherwise she turns aggressive, hides away and won’t eat. I know she’s not right (I even drove over 125 miles to see a specialist who managed to improve things a little). He’s the fifth vet I’ve seen, so yes, I’ve given up. She’s wrecked a false ceiling, she attacks all the plants, she’s traumatised the dog we already had, and she destroys anything that hangs down... So yes, my post might sound harsh, but I wouldn't wish a cat like mine on anyone.
I won't bother the cat forum again. Sorry for the outburst. Goodbye and have a good evening.
I do love Greylox having a go at me because apparently I don't know how to look after my cat 🤣 I never said I didn't love her or didn't take care of her, or that I was going to harm her — she gets all the care she needs, and out of all the cats I've ever had, she's the first (and last) like this. Yes, she has behavioural issues, even with medication (a behavioural vet who costs me an arm and a leg) for her wellbeing, which I apparently don't care about. I hope you never end up with a cat like her. I don't force her to do anything — she launches herself at people for no reason, I've already needed stitches because of her. A month ago I was having a nap on the sofa when she jumped straight at my face (no, I'm not exaggerating) — but she'll live out her days with me and have everything she needs. I keep her dry food in a special airtight container, she won't touch wet food, only gravy-based pouches or food in sauce, I also give her cat treats, she's vaccinated, spayed, wormed... So before telling me I've rubbed you up the wrong way, do your research first.
Having spent 17 years with a poorly weaned cat who was extremely aggressive with friends, sent a person to hospital after a bite, and attacked me more than once by jumping at my face in the night... I'm sure you can imagine I know exactly what you're talking about.
I didn't say you don't look after your cat's (physical) wellbeing — I simply said your post reflects a lack of understanding when it comes to cats and the reasons behind certain behaviours. We learned the hard way, we made a lot of mistakes with our old wild one — back then, the internet wasn't the goldmine (and minefield) of information it is today. We know now that we'd have done things completely differently.
I reacted because you arrived on a thread from someone questioning whether they even love their cat, you chimed in talking about yours in the way a lot of cat owners do (oh, these ungrateful cats who do nothing but drive us up the wall all day long), and added nothing useful to the conversation.
So actually, it turns out she prefers food in gravy rather than plain wet food — so we're not dealing with a cat who refuses everything outright. Well, if she prefers gravy-based food, you know what you need to buy her.
And yes, even a cat costs a lot — you have to be prepared for that. If I tot up what we spent on our little one last year before we eventually had to have him put to sleep, it comes to over £1,700 — between the specialist food, the treatment, and all the tests.
And having a behaviourist doesn't necessarily mean they're competent.
Thanks for your replies. No, that’s not the right photo of the cat (I wasn’t the one who posted it). My cat is definitely a Siamese. She has dry food available all the time, but she doesn't eat much of it. She's 13 and yes, my mum has passed away. I decided to keep her because of her age and her behaviour. The other three have been rehomed and I get regular updates. I know you don’t have to love your pets, but I’m really struggling with it, especially since she was my mum’s favourite and I’m a huge animal lover. Anyway, just so you know, I'm not forcing her into anything.
I haven't been starving her, you lot! She had dry food available every day; it was the wet food she refused to eat. Are you mental or what? Throughout that whole month, she was under the care of a vet who didn't think she was actually capable of refusing to eat. I had to give her Nutrigel several times a day (the vet reckoned she was just being fussy), so I followed the advice I was given by the pros. She lost weight because she wasn't eating enough. Do you have any idea how much I’m spending a month on meat and dry food for a cat that weighs about 9lbs? It’s over £315 just for her because "madam" insists on having her dry food and meat changed constantly. That’s without even counting the veterinary behaviourist, the meds, and everything else that goes with it. Honestly, everyone needs to calm down.
I love how Greylox is flipping out at me just because I supposedly don't know how to look after my cat 🤣 I never said I didn't love her or didn't take care of her, or that I was going to do her any harm. She gets all the care she needs, and out of all the cats I’ve ever had, she’s the first (and the last) one like this. Yes, she has behavioural issues, even though she’s on medication (prescribed by a vet behaviourist who costs me an arm and a leg) for her well-being, which I clearly don’t care about, apparently. I hope you never end up with a cat like this one.
I don’t force her to do anything, but she lunges at people for no reason; I’ve actually had to have stitches because of her. A month ago, I was having a nap on the sofa when she jumped at my face (no, I’m not exaggerating), but she’ll live out her days with me and have everything she needs. I keep her dry food in a special container; she won't eat normal wet food, only "soups" or stuff in gravy. I give her cat treats too, and make sure she’s had her jabs, been spayed, gets her wormer... So before telling me I’m rubbing you the wrong way, at least get your facts straight.
'I don't know what to do anymore': There's nothing else for it but to accept her as she is; she isn't going to change. You, however, can change how you look at her and accept that she simply isn't the affectionate cat you were hoping for. A cat is who they are, with their own temperament, just like us humans.
I completely agree with the comments from Greylox and Kirikirikiri. Ignore what Wesetmi said as quickly as possible. This is a forum for cat lovers. Starving a cat is nothing short of pure animal cruelty.
There are a few things to keep in mind: don't go to the cat, let her come to you. Don't pet her automatically every time she approaches. Build a bond by playing regularly (always with toys, never directly with your hands) with your little girl, for instance, but also talk to her and watch out the window with her when she’s watching "cat TV". Basically, you have to earn a cat's affection over time, and it comes down to a bond that you have to initiate too. If you don't take an interest in your cat, why would she take an interest in you? It’s a way of bonding with your pet without forcing any attention on her that she might not like.
