I'm really at a loss because my cat is absolutely terrified of my boyfriend.
I've had my cat, Haru, for just over two years now. At first she was a little wary of my boyfriend, but she eventually got used to him. Over the months, though, their relationship has gone downhill. Gradually she started avoiding him, then outright fleeing from him. It got to the point where she was weeing and pooing on the sofa in his presence. He stopped staying at mine, and since then I've had no more accidents outside the litter tray. But the moment he comes to visit, Haru growls when she hears him arrive and frantically scrambles to find somewhere to hide, very often ending up wetting or soiling herself or her bed. And if I leave the room and leave the two of them alone together, she starts crying out in fear.
I suspect my boyfriend has wound her up a bit too much over time and that he's not exactly gentle with her, but I'm not sure those are the only reasons...
The situation is becoming really hard to manage and is starting to cause friction in my relationship. My boyfriend really struggles to take a step back and listen to my advice. He's convinced that Haru is the one with the problem, even though she's perfectly sociable with everyone else — just not with him.
Do you think he could win Haru's trust back, and if so, how? And how do you think I could get him to actually listen and start behaving the right way around her?
Thanks in advance for any advice! Have a lovely evening!
Translated from French
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It really is quite strange for it to be that extreme. You’ve definitely got to wonder about your friend... a cat doesn’t react that way without a reason... poor little thing
Here’s some objective feedback based on experience. Without going so far as to call it abuse (though it’s hard to know where the line is), the kitty has probably been wound up a bit too much and her tolerance threshold crossed, meaning she simply can’t stand your boyfriend anymore. Cats are incredibly sensitive creatures; they’re like sponges, and if she senses any hostility, she’ll react in kind. He’s lucky she hasn’t actually attacked him yet, as that’s exactly what might happen if he keeps pushing his luck. Poor thing—if she’s reaching the point where she’s messing herself right where she is, she’s clearly under total stress whenever he’s around. So yes, he needs to ignore her and just leave her be. If your boyfriend can’t understand that, get a new boyfriend! 😁👌
Hi there, reading your post, my first thought was that maybe there was some kind of incident or rough handling with your cat while you were out. If you trust the person who was there, then maybe it’s not that.
In my case, when I got my cat, my mum took his brother and sister as well.
When my cat was still a tiny kitten, I did everything I could to get him used to the vet and to being around children by 'pestering' him a bit. I used to gently pull his paws and handle him, making sure he didn’t react aggressively or growl or scratch, just so that if he ever got injured, he’d let anyone treat him without a struggle (and it actually created a really unique bond between us).
I tried to do the same with his brother and sister, but unfortunately, my mum would step in to defend them every time, thinking I was hurting them when I was really just messing about with them, nothing more!
The brother couldn't have cared less what I did, but as the sister grew up, she started growling at me and showing signs of fear, which led to aggression. She’d associated me with being a nuisance who made her feel uncomfortable.
So, I decided to ignore her completely. I didn't speak to her, look at her, stroke her, or call her name, and bit by bit she started coming back to me. It took a good year, and then I eventually moved out of the family home into my own place. She’s 13 now and she does come to me, but I’m still not allowed to 'pester' her, otherwise I face the consequences from both her and my mum! 😁
My cat’s fear of my boyfriend doesn’t date back specifically to when he looked after him. It developed gradually, which is why I suspect it’s down to my boyfriend being a bit heavy-handed rather than a one-off incident. Of course, I’ve wondered (and I’ve asked him) about how he behaves with my cat when I’m not around, but I can't exactly accuse him of mistreatment without any proof, so it’s a delicate situation. Anyway, he barely goes near him now since the cat is always hiding whenever he’s there.
I’m not feeling very optimistic, but I really want things to improve because if we end up moving in together, it just won’t be bearable. Not for us, and certainly not for my cat, who can’t spend his life hiding and terrified every single day.
You say he looked after her for two weeks and apparently the cat has been terrified ever since. Personally, I’d be questioning your boyfriend’s behaviour towards your pet. A cat doesn't get terrified just from being teased, does it? There must be more to it. If I were you, I’d be very suspicious, as it’s not normal for her to be scared of him now when she wasn't that timid around him before—especially since she’s friendly with everyone else.
In your shoes, I’d tell my boyfriend not to touch or even look at my cat. Since they clearly don’t click, I wouldn’t even bother trying to get them to be mates; it’s a lost cause.
Thanks for getting back to me. Cats don't have the same cognitive abilities we do, so your boyfriend is the only one who can really sort this situation out. Love and friendship are all about the art of compromise, not sacrifice.
Thanks for your reply!
He hasn't had much experience with animals; at least, he’s never actually had a pet of his own. I don’t think he really understands how cats work and doesn’t realise that the way he’s acting comes across as aggressive to her.
The trouble is, every time I try to explain it to him, he doesn’t take me seriously. He’s convinced that his behaviour isn't the problem and doesn't follow any of my advice at all.
If I push the point, I can tell he gets a bit huffy, and I don’t want to cause an argument, but I’ll try talking to him again as you suggested.
I actually left my cat with him for a fortnight back when they still got on well, but I’m not sure I’d do it again now. It’s just too much of a stress for her, and I’m not sure my boyfriend would even want to, given how she is when he’s around.
Evening,
Reading through your post, it really feels like your boyfriend’s clumsiness is what has soured their relationship. Does he actually know much about cats and how sensitive they are to stress? You’re probably going to have to do a bit of educating there.
Also, what’s his previous experience with animals? People don’t always place the same value on pets. First of all, you need to explain to him just how much your cat means to you and that he’s a huge part of your life.
The main thing is that he needs to stop teasing him. He doesn’t necessarily have to love the cat, but he absolutely must respect him.
Best of luck.
